I guess Shaq was okay...

After spending all morning in my car cursing the existence of LA Lakers fans, I had to get it out. And what better way to do so than on a seldom read blog (What should I confront someone for real? I don't think so, this face is my moneymaker)?
Anyway, since the news of Shaquille O'Neal's retirement (his new nickname: The Big Thing On The Couch) from the NBA after 19 years, Los Angeles radio has been abuzz with reactions. Except here's my problem, half the fans have made me want to drive the car up onto the sidewalk and start mowing down anyone wearing purple and gold.
Lakers fans are for the most part the most spoiled bunch I have ever encountered. And their reactions to the Big Diesel's retirement have proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt they are also the douchiest fans in the NBA (way to do the impossible and out-douche bandwagon Heat fans). Here are the main arguments (or heinous mouth-diarrhea storms) I've heard about Shaq's departure:

"The balls in my shorts dwarf this thing."

- He was great, but he wasn't what he could've been: Are you FUCKING kidding me??! The guy won you three straight championships, all three of which he was the MVP! And he probably would've won you more if your backdoor-sex happy shooting guard didn't drive him out of town. A three-peat. What more do you want? Kill yourselves.
- He never cared enough to learn how to shoot free throws: Why does everyone assume shooting free throws should automatically be simple just because you're in the NBA? The guy is 7'2", which loosely translates into hands the size of fucking frisbees. A basketball is like a softball to him. Try shooting a softball into coffee can ten feet high from fifteen feet away and see how many times you make it. The guy is an ogre. It's bad enough he can't pet a puppy without snapping it's neck, do we really have to crucify him for his lack of touch from the charity stripe too?
- He was lazy: Really? Was he lazy when he was averaging 30+ in the Finals and dominating the paint like he was playing pre-schoolers? Give me a friggin break. Lakers fans have just become so insanely infatuated with Kobe that they think anyone who doesn't make this face is a lazy player. Sorry, that's not intensity, that's intense assholery (and where was that face last year in game 7 when Ron "Dangerously Unstable" Artest had to carry your ass to a championship?) Shaq was a beast. Plain and Simple.

Shaquille O'Neal was one of the most dominant players ever to hit the hardwood and any Laker fan who doesn't revere him like black Jesus with a basketball is a fucking moron. And by the way, all of this is coming from a huge fan of the Orlando Magic, the teamed he spurned so he could make cinematic masterworks like Steel and Kazaam, so this isn't a bias issue either. Give credit where credit is due and stop acting like you weren't happy as a pig in shit that Shaq left Penny Hardaway to play with Nick VanExel you spoiled fucking jerks.

Athletes in Film: Cam Neely

It's hard to know where to even start with this one, because it is so very close to my heart. To me, Cam Neely is so much more than a Hall of Fame hockey player. To me, he's even more than the founder of an invaluable philanthropic venture that gives families affected by pediatric cancer a place to stay. To me, he is quite simply, Sea Bass.

In what is probably my favorite comedic film of all time, Dumb and Dumber (We landed on the moon!), Cam Neely played an essential role in some of the films most hilarious scenes. We are introduced to him after he is hit by a seasoning projectile, and he poignantly quips: "Who's the dead man who hit me with the salt shaker?!" Then, like any gentleman who had been so dishonored would likely do, proceeded to hock a giant loogie on Jeff Daniels' hamburger.
But the real reason I consider Cam's performance so daring and memorable, is the scene where he reencounters Harry and Lloyd further on down the road. After having been tricked into picking up their tab (I'll call you a liar if you don't admit you've considered trying this at some point), Mr. Bass serendipitously happens upon the fellas at a gas station. Not just any gas station though, the exact gas station in fact, in which Mr. Bass had scrawled a message regarding an intimate rendezvous on the wall.  And what ensues? Comedic genius.
You really must admire Cam for this scene. After all, not every famous athlete would be comfortable enough with his own masculinity to pretend he was about to joyously mouth molest Jim Carrey.
So my hat, or perhaps more fitting it be your hat, goes of to you Mr. Neely. Because when it comes to athletes in films, you are truly a massive gas station rapist of a man among boys.

Athletes in Film: Kareem Abdul Jabbar

You might love him for his sky hook, or his debonair taste in goggles, but I will forever have a place in my heart for Kareem Abdul Jabbar thanks to his role in the hilarious 1980 film Airplane!
Taking part in what many consider to be some of the film's best scenes, Kareem delivers a memorable deadpan (albeit not an Oscar winning) performance as Roger Murdock.
The first gem Kareem helped turn out is the unforgettable takeoff scene.  Roger.  Huh? We have clearance Clarence. Roger, Roger.  What's our vector, Victor?
And in my favorite scene, Kareem insists that little Joey has mistaken him for a famous basketball player, and that he is simply co-pilot Roger Murdock (this of course is after Captain Oveur casually asks Joey if he has ever seen a grown man naked).  Unconvinced though, Joey continues prodding Kareem:

Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.
(Kareem's getting mad ).  And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.
Roger Murdock : (Kareem breaks character and grabs the kid by his shirt) The hell I don't! LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes! 

Friggin classic.
And while he may not have been the most talented actor ever, he did burn himself into my memory again in the '90s with his priceless blue golf sweater on The Fresh Prince (a clip that is suspiciously absent from the interwebs?). Somehow his calm, quiet demeanor always makes for a priceless scene. So let's give credit to the big man, for turning out one of the most hilarious and memorable appearances ever by an athlete in film.
Roger, Roger!

Athletes in Film: Dan Marino

Now I may be biased because I'm a Miami Dolphins fan (I feel your pain Hootie... yes Blowfish fanatics, that was an "I Only Wanna Be With You" reference), or I may just be a sharply refined connoisseur of fine comedy, but in either case I think Dan Marino's turn in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was friggin priceless.
Playing himself and the kidnap victim of a psychotic, trannie ex-kicker (props to Ray Finkle for forever giving me a fantasy football name), Dan is the perfect straight man to Jim Carrey's tu-tu wearing, chloroform wielding, ass-talking critter gumshoe Ace.
While only appearing in a few scenes, Marino's performance is rife with curly-haired hilarity.

- While Ace fights Finkle/Einhorn, Marino begs the question: "Having a little trouble with the lady Ace?"
- Moments later, he has the pleasure of discovering that lady's lumpy little secret.  Being the first to spot the subtly tucked back, yet bulbous man-bulge hiding in her panties (sorry for even finding a picture of that).
- And finally, while driving down the highway with their heads out the window, playing a role in one of my favorite dialogue exchanges of all time :
"Hey Ace!"
"Yeah Dan?"
"You have anymore of that gum?"
"That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs."
"You're a weird guy Ace.  Weird guy."

So I commend you and your sharp thespian skills Mr. Marino.  While you may not have won a Super Bowl, let's be honest...  more people will remember this anyway.

Athletes in Film: Lee Trevino

Today is the start of a series of posts I'll be doing dedicated to my favorite appearances by athletes in major motion pictures.  And keep in mind these are MY favorites, so I won't be including every one that I know of, just the ones I love the most (sorry rabid fans of Gheorghe Muresan in My Giant, but he missed the cut).
And today's point of focus, professional golfer Lee Trevino in Happy Gilmore.
It's hard to believe that Lee makes only the second best cameo in this film (big ups to Bob "Badass" Barker), because his part is so subtly hilarious.  Somehow while uttering only a single line, the timeless "Grizzly Adams did have a beard," Trevino still managed to burn his performance into my memory using his mastery of the art of the disapproving head shake.  Yeah, for those of you who don't know who the great Lee Trevino is, he's that guy.  The one who continually pops up to show his dismay with that silly misfit Happy Gilmore.  It may seem like a small part, but you can bet your balls Chi Chi Rodriguez couldn't have handled that shit!... Sorry, I just really like Lee Trevino.
So props to you Mr. Trevino, you are officially a double threat, and a real contender for the "Best Athlete in a Movie" Oscar to be won in my heart.