The Texas Mind Police

What do you get when the FBI and your state police force follow up on a tip about a serial killer's dumping ground that contains dozens of dismembered bodies? Confidence in your well being and the peace of mind of a citizen who knows their law enforcement is fully committed to keeping them safe, that's what. Wait... what now? They got the tip about this mass grave from a psychic? Oh. Well... shit.
Are state police and the FBI really spending thousands of tax paid man hours searching for a place that fucking Miss Cleo told them existed? Why not just spend a week or two scouring the wardrobe for Narnia while you're at it?

"Something terrible has happened... a massive waste of tax dollars."

This story seriously floored me when I saw it, and considering the amount of retardedness (yeah, it's a word) carried out by law enforcement officials that's saying a lot. This is literally the real life embodiment of an episode of South Park where Cartman serves as the psychic liaison to the local police (sidenote: watch this episode if you never have, it's friggin hilarious), only the South Park police aren't quite as stupid, because they're fucking fictional cartoon characters.
So what's the lesson here, you ask? If you live in Texas it's high time you move the hell out, because your cops are taking their investigative cues based on the hunches of this guy.

Hurricane Nic hits the Big Easy

Been hammered drunk in the French Quarter of New Orleans? Yup. Insisted that someone else's house is in fact your own? Done it. Gotten unnecessarily belligerent with police officers who were trying their best to just send you home and let you off with a warning? Yes, sadly I've done that too. But all in one night? No way. Surely such a maelstrom of awesomeness could not possibly be orchestrated by a mere mortal. Nicolas Cage however, yeah, he can do that. So he did.

"Wait, this isn't where I left our house."

Yes the crazy-haired Oscar winner found himself in police custody on Saturday after a boisterous and booze-fueled argument with his wife over whether or not the house they were standing in front of was the house they lived in (now that's drunk), caught the attention of local authorities. Though police did their best to calm the situation and let it slide (I imagine that is page one in the New Orleans PD handbook, seeing as how if they took in everyone who should be arrested on Bourbon Street it would require a holding cell roughly the size of New Orleans), Nic "dared" them to take him in (classic move, always ends well) and they eventually obliged.
Then, in a twist so amazing it made me pee my pants a little, Mr. Cage was bailed out by none other than Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yeah, this happened. And if you are anything like me you are praying with every fiber of your being that Nic jumps bail. Because I swear to God nothing would bring more joy to my life than to flick on A&E one night to the sight of Dog's giant-boobied wife macing Nicolas Cage.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, the over/under on how long South Park takes to dedicate an episode to this magical event is 4 weeks. I like the under.