Can you read this?

So I got a public notice sent out by Aetna in the mail yesterday, and this is what is said word for word:

IMPORTANT: Can you read this letter?  If not, we can have somebody help you read it.  You may also be able to get this letter written in your language.  For free help, please call right away at
1-877-287-0117.

Now, I need some help here, because I can't decide if this is completely idiotic, kind of hilarious or super insulting (though I guess those who'd be insulted by it would really have no way of knowing ).  And I can't tell if this is legitimately taking a stand against illiteracy or if it's just a really cruel joke meant to make A-holes like me laugh out loud when they see it.  In any case, I would encourage all of you to call the above telephone number and start screaming frantically "I just got your letter and found out I can't reeeead!!!"

Also, I apologize to anyone that this post may have offended... that is, if you can read it.

And now God is crying...

You know why it's been raining in California for the better part of 2 weeks?  Because Little Fockers is the #1 movie in the country, and God is devastated.  Way to go America.
For those of you who don't know, Little Fockers is the third installment in the sensory raping Meet the Parents franchise starring Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro.  Two actors who, when separate, have made some truly amazing pictures, but who have recently combined forces to create a trilogy of films so awful it feels like the devil is taking a shit on your heart.  Here's the rundown for those of you lucky enough to have not yet been exposed to these Satan-dumps:

- Ben Stiller is married to Robert DeNiro's daughter, Robert DeNiro is not happy about this.
- Ben Stiller's family is full of liberal hippies, Robert DeNiro is not happy about this.
- Ben Stiller is a male nurse, Robert DeNiro is not happy about this.
- Owen Wilson is a loveable, well intentioned chap who was dumped by Robert DeNiro's daughter.  Robert DeNiro is not fucking happy about this.
- Robert DeNiro is "watching" Ben Stiller (insert pointing at eyes and frowning curmudgeonly).
- Robert DeNiro is a CIA tough guy, but he really loves his cat (ironic juxtaposition is HIIII-larious).
- Oh, and last but certainly not least, Ben Stiller's last name sounds like a particularly notorious curse word!  How deliciously naughty!

To sum up, if you spent $10 to go see this movie last week you should be focking ashamed of yourself.  And if you plan to spend $10 to go see it this week at the Regal 12 in downtown LA, let me assure you I will be waiting outside the theater to slap you across your focking face with a 15 lb. trout you focking focker.

All I want for Christmas...

Let's give the guy his due, Michael Vick has been a good boy this year.  He's having a stellar season at QB for the Eagles, not to mention the fact that he hasn't engineered a single multi-level animal brutality organization in years.  I think Santa needs to take note of that.
Recently Vick told ESPN about one thing that he really wants, and it's something he may want to consider jotting down on the old Christmas wish list, because like so many other little boys Mikey just wants a puppy.
That got me thinking what else might be on the wish lists of some fairly newsworthy folk:

- Ben Roethlisberger wants "breaking out your penis in public" to be considered a legitimate courtship technique.
- Mel Gibson wants his career back on track... oh and also for Hollywood to not be so "Jewy."
- Charles Manson wants to have jailhouse slumber parties without the warden always giving him shit about what he's doing in a "group meeting."
- The country as a whole wants Willow Smith forced back into Jada's womb.
- Marv Albert wants, just once, to solicit a prostitute without being pestered about that "whole back biting thing."
- Eddie Murphy wants to stop making bad movies even though they feel sooooo good.
- Tiger Woods wants it to not burn so much when he pees, and for his 4 iron to stop giving him head wound flashbacks.
- Roman Polanski wants to leave film behind and become a middle school teacher.

This is likely my last post until the new year so enjoy your holidays everyone, and I hope you get whatever asinine and undeserving gift you're asking Santa for this year you jerk... Merry Christmas!

A sad state of affairs

In the months since I moved to Los Angeles I have decided to become a proxy Clippers fan because let's face it, they need it (plus this poor bastard could really use the help).  The fact is the Clippers are a young talented team on the rise but they are treated like wild-eyed, patchy furred, stray dogs here in LA.  I mean, I know it's a Lakers town but the extremity is hard to believe.  It's basically like the Clippers are LA's second child but they have only one bedroom, so rather than having them share they just sent them down to the basement and feed them fish heads through the laundry chute.  It's sad.
I don't blame it entirely on the people of LA though, it mostly falls on the Clippers losing culture.  For example, while watching the Clips-Sixers game last night it came to my attention that Clippers basketball is now brought you by, and I shit you not for my 7 readers must trust in me, Aladdin Bail Bonds.  Now I took my time in formulating an eloquent response to this and here's what I came up with: Are you fucking kidding me??  Were the people at Jafar's Loan Sharking not interested?  Couldn't land a deal with Genie Septic?  Come on Clippers, you gotta help me out here.  I'm not even asking that you win games.  Let's just take baby steps and maybe make your broadcasts semi-respectable, then we'll worry about basketball.
Listen, LA is a city full of transplants.  Many outsiders who I'm sure must be just aching to root for a team that doesn't have some dude Euro-flopping all over the Staples Center.
So step it up Clip-joint.  Make it happen.

Greatest headline ever?

It's hard to believe this is actually a story and not a crazy acid dream the producers of Entertainment Tonight had, but evidently it really happened.  So yeah, here it is:

Wolverine busts eye socket on Oprah's Australian zip line

Time for a radiation super-vacation!

This is an open letter to all parents: Prepare yourselves.

Because this summer, when your kids are begging to go to the latest, greatest vacation destination their petitioning won't be for a trip to Disneyland, or a journey to Six Flags, or even a jaunt to Sesame Place.  In fact if I were you I'd speak to your travel agent now while there's still time, because the heart of every child will compel them to see but one magical place this year... CHERNOBYLLLLL!!!
Yes you heard right, Ukraine is finally opening to the public the long-sequestered fun factory that is the site of the massive 1986 nuclear meltdown.  Now 2011 will officially mark the year that Chernobyl stopped being thought of as an "exclusion zone of post apocalyptic hell which no man, woman or child should ever lay eyes upon" and became the hottest (at least in terms of Geiger count... that's right, I know science stuff) vacation destination the world has ever seen.
So book now, because tickets are going faster than the shortened life spans of the surrounding area's severely poisoned wildlife!

Should I stay or should I go?

If ever he was looking for a sign from the heavens on whether or not he should retire, I think now is the time for Brett Favre to look skyward. Because in perhaps the greatest possible physical culmination of the epic collapse that has been Brett Favre's 2010 season, the stadium he calls home has actually collapsed.
The roof on the Metrodome gave way to the masses of snow that sat upon it on Sunday morning, postponing the Vikings-Giants showdown and sending a literal sign from above that Brett Favre needs to stop playing football forever.  Basically, the only way this could be any clearer would be if God himself sent Favre a cell phone picture of his penis along with the message "God-dong says it's time to hang 'em up."  And if Brett tries to start tonight's game, that very well could happen, so keep your eyes peeled for sexts from heaven.