Spider-Man: Turn On the Morphine Drip

The actor who tumbled thirty-five feet into the orchestra pit during a preview show of the perpetual Broadway shitstorm that has been "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" has vowed to return to the production when it resumes in June (no word yet as to the return of the bassoon player whose head he landed on).

Note to self: Webs not nearly as reliable as Bono said they'd be.

The brave thespian in question, Christopher Tierney, refuses to let a few broken ribs, a fractured shoulder blade, three broken vertebrae or a measly little fractured skull stop him from portraying the live-action web-slinger in the U2 helmed play. And I have to admit, that's pretty admirable. But you have to wonder what will happen when he returns to the perch from which he plummeted. Assuming that the actual safety issues have been resolved, I'd say there's still a 90% chance that the residual memory of faceplanting into the woodwinds section will at the very least cause the 31 year-old stuntman to wet himself whilst swinging wildly over the audience (bring your ponchos!).
In any case, here's to hoping Christopher's return to the show is a safe one, but that the show itself remains an unstoppable disaster. Why? Because fuck U2, that's why.


P.S. "Turn Off the Dark" doesn't make any god damn sense. Hey Bono, if you want to turn off the dark maybe try not wearing sunglasses 24 hours a day... Dick.

Lady Gagaaaaahhh shit!

When I heard about this video, I knew I had to do my part to share it with the world (even if I can only offer the 15 pairs of eyes that consistently read this blog):

Wonderful.
Now even though I don't have anything in particular against the fair lady of gaga, she's still a weirdo, and this is just friggin funny. And it makes me happy knowing in my heart that every poor sap of a dude that got dragged to this concert by some female friend he's been trying to bed for the last year at least got a little chuckle out of this.
Too bad for Lady Gaga she wasn't wearing that meat dress again though, it probably would've offered her a lot more padding. Then again, she should be counting her lucky stars that she didn't smack her skull on the piano on the way down and wind up bleeding out on stage (don't be surprised if at future concerts she is also wearing a meat helmet).

I'm really not an angry person...

Nothing says Good Morning America like a chair through a window.
The recovery for the shattered image of R&B singer Chris Brown hit a bit of a snag this morning when an interview took a turn for the worse. And by a bit of a snag, I mean he went batshit nuts at Good Morning America after being asked a series of questions about his little "dust-up" with Rihanna back in 2009. Obviously, the best way to show that you are past that dark point in your life is to quietly dismiss questions about it, then promptly throw a chair through your dressing room window and exit the building a shirtless madman.

What? I think that interview went well.

I imagine Brown's handlers are just thrilled that he decided to go all "Chris Brown" on the exact day of his album's release too (maybe wait till next week to publicly lose your shit?). All I know is interviewer Robin Roberts should thank her lucky stars this segment was done on national television and not in a car on the way to the Grammys, otherwise things could've gone down very differently for her.
In any case, here's some advice Chris, if you're that sick and tired of being badgered about an incident that happened two years ago... too bad asshole. Maybe you should've thought of that before you made a girl look like she went 12 rounds with Apollo Creed.
It's not gonna go away buddy. Just ask Ike Turner. He's been dead for four years and yet he still isn't exactly remembered for his two Independent Music Awards. Boo-hoo. Deal with it you over-entitled, self-indulged, never-gonna-be-Usher-because-Usher-never-knuckled-up-a-lady's-face scumbag.

Listen here if you hate your ears

Finally, Jillian Barberie Reynolds has released her first single! What the hell took so long??
Some of you might remember Jillian from her time as weather girl on the Fox NFL Pregame broadcasts (because they totally needed that), or you might know her from her current gig on Good Day LA. But most of you are probably really confused and have no idea who she is. And there is a good reason for that... she's not that famous.
She refused however, to allow her lack of fame to stop her from doing the most self-indulgent thing a pseudo-celeb can do, unleashing a horrible song upon the world:

Click here for Jillian Barberie Reynolds' New Song

Why?! I honestly don't even know what to say about this. I mean, if you want do this in your basement for kicks then go for it. But for God's sake don't share it with us. We've done nothing to deserve such atrocities.
Just look at the misery-twisted faces of her coanchors as they listen. They are trying so hard to feign enjoyment (which should be easy on the standard morning host wake up cocktail of coffee, cocaine and speed) but they simply can't. This is exactly like when you show your first drawing to your parents and they do their best to force a smile, but on the inside they're crying and wondering if they should have you tested.

And what is it even about?! She just rattles off a bunch of places in LA. It's like the over-privileged white lady remix of California Love. This song actually made me despise myself for living within the city limits.
Thanks a lot Jillian, now I have to move.

Oh and P.S. Name dropping your "homeboy Warren G down in the LBC"... really? I'm sure Mr. G would be spinning in his grave if he knew you dropped that line. Wait... what? Warren G isn't dead? Well what the hell has he been doing??  Because someone here definitely needs to regulate.

Angel on the Metro

I just wanted to share this because... well because look at it, that's why.  This seemed so out of place and so odd to me in fact, that it had me genuinely wondering if at some point on my way to the subway I had actually died, and this was the train to heaven.  

Fear not though, for I am writing this blog post from work (as I should be) and not from the great beyond.  Yeah, the train just went to Hollywood, and the whole ordeal was pretty anticlimactic.  Not unlike this blog post...

All I want for Christmas...

Let's give the guy his due, Michael Vick has been a good boy this year.  He's having a stellar season at QB for the Eagles, not to mention the fact that he hasn't engineered a single multi-level animal brutality organization in years.  I think Santa needs to take note of that.
Recently Vick told ESPN about one thing that he really wants, and it's something he may want to consider jotting down on the old Christmas wish list, because like so many other little boys Mikey just wants a puppy.
That got me thinking what else might be on the wish lists of some fairly newsworthy folk:

- Ben Roethlisberger wants "breaking out your penis in public" to be considered a legitimate courtship technique.
- Mel Gibson wants his career back on track... oh and also for Hollywood to not be so "Jewy."
- Charles Manson wants to have jailhouse slumber parties without the warden always giving him shit about what he's doing in a "group meeting."
- The country as a whole wants Willow Smith forced back into Jada's womb.
- Marv Albert wants, just once, to solicit a prostitute without being pestered about that "whole back biting thing."
- Eddie Murphy wants to stop making bad movies even though they feel sooooo good.
- Tiger Woods wants it to not burn so much when he pees, and for his 4 iron to stop giving him head wound flashbacks.
- Roman Polanski wants to leave film behind and become a middle school teacher.

This is likely my last post until the new year so enjoy your holidays everyone, and I hope you get whatever asinine and undeserving gift you're asking Santa for this year you jerk... Merry Christmas!

Royally Awkward

So I don't know if you've caught this story yet, but check out the super-graphic engagement present from one Sir Snoop Doggy Dogg to the soon to be wed Prince William.
It's more than a little weird that Snoop was compelled to even give a gift to the royal family, but when you actually listen to the song he offered don't worry, it gets a whole lot weirder.  It's not that Snoop's heart wasn't it the right place, it's just considering that it will now be associated with a Royal Wedding the song he wrote is kind of... um... fucking filthy. Let me put it this way, I feel a little ashamed to even type some of the lyrics.
But I will say this, I can't help but wonder if as we speak the Queen Mother may be booty clapping in her royal quarters while Snoop's chorus begs of her the philosophical question: "Can you drip for me mommy?"

Will work for mp3's

Yesterday I saw a bum to top all bums and I am compelled to share it with the world (also known as the 5 people who may read this).
Having worked in New York City for two years I thought I had seen all of the quirky vagabonds the world had to offer.  After all, who was going to top the uncommonly smug bum that refused to accept Sacajawea dollar coins?  Or who would out-weird the woman who begged alongside her shivering hairless dog and freely admitted her husband was "at home, probably watching The Price Is Right"?  And what drifter on God's green Earth could possibly out-hobo the man with a gated (chain link fenced) Harlem River waterfront bum-palace tucked neatly under a highway overpass off a Yankee Stadium parking lot (a bum-palace which I was lucky enough to see him defend from intruders with a lead pipe and an inimitable thirst for blood, I might add)?  But it happened.  The Los Angelino gutterbug I saw yesterday topped them all.  I call him simply... The Bum P3.
And it's exactly what you think it is.  He was standing on the median of the road, shamelessly panhandling while white earbuds dangled at his side... because yes, he was listening to his Ipod.  He was holding a sign too, which I couldn't exactly make out, but I imagine it read something like this:

HOMELESS AND HUNGRY 

FOR MELODIC ROCK RIFFS:

still without new linkin park

album that's been out

for 2 months

EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS!

So congratulations Bum P3, because based solely on the sheer balls it takes to beg while rocking an Ipod, you win.

George W. Bush is not a hater

I can't tell you how relieved I was to wake up this morning and find out that the George Bush/Kanye West feud, arguably our nation's most significant and long running conflict, has finally come to a close.  Why you ask?  Because G-money is simply not a hater.
In an interview on the Today Show, the former Commander in Chief reacted to a clip in which Kanye admits he should not have said that "George Bush doesn't care about black people" in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.  Bush goes on to say that he forgives Mr. West, even though he doesn't think he needed to be such a dick about it (paraphrasing).  Don't worry though, the good ol' prez didn't back down completely.  He managed to refer to the rap superstar as "Conway West" twice in the interview.  Now whether that move was an elaborate mind-fuck to keep Kanye steaming mad and lying awake at night, or if it was a product of sheer stupidity remains to be seen, but either way I'm a fan.
Now all that's left to close the book on this is to issue a formal dual-apology to Mike Myers for putting that poor bastard in the blast zone of this spectacularly awkward moment, and we can finally put this dark time in our country's history behind us.  Wait... what?  Mike Myers is Canadian?  Oh, nevermind then... America doesn't care about Canadian people.

Shattering stereotypes

I took my first drive through Inglewood, CA earlier, and I have to say I strongly disagree with one Dr. Dre.  Because contrary to his assertion, Inglewood seemed in no way to be "up to no good."
So my hat goes off to you Inglewood, for your apparent reformation and for proving the good doctor wrong.
On another note, I wish I could say the same for you Compton.  You could stand to learn a few things from Inglewood.
Just sayin'.

Will Smith: Child Pimp

Where have you gone, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?  A nation turns its lonely eyes to you...
Let me just start by saying that I have always been a huge Will Smith fan.  The guy does everything.  And he does everything well.  Could I have lived without Hitch?  Sure.  Would I miss Hancock if it were never made?  Doubtful.  Would the world be an undoubtedly better place if neither he, nor anyone else, had ever gotten Jiggy Wit' It?  Absolutely.  But still, he's Will Smith.  He's the man.  And anything he did that was even a little less than stellar was excusable by his role on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air alone.  Or at least it was, until now.
Willow Smith must be stopped.  I hesitate to even write this post for fear of accidentally contributing to her cause, but I needed to warn the masses who have been lucky enough to not yet be exposed.  SHE MUST BE STOPPED.
For reasons beyond rational comprehension, the child pimping of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith has not stopped with Jaden (remaking the Karate Kid is blatant sacrilege, and I was even willing to let that slide).  Now their 9 year old daughter is invading our airwaves and our lives with her overly flamboyant hair (and I hate to say it, but her dad's ears too, the poor kid).  That's right, 9 year old Willow Smith has released her first single "Whip My Hair" and it is taking the country by storm.  And why shouldn't it be?  She's 9 after all, and clearly ready for the spotlight.  I mean, if she wasn't, would she have the maturity to artistically tackle a song about arbitrarily flinging her hair all over the place?  I think not.
Note the sarcasm Will (that's right, I'm assuming one of my 4 fans must be Big Willy).  It's not every day I write a blog attacking a 9 year old, but you did this Will.... Not me.  And only you can stop it before it's too late.  If you're hard up for cash I can talk to some people and see if I can't get you a few hours at a Radio Shack or something.  But this?  No good sir, you are better than this.

The Vanilla Ice Project is here!

It's time to let loose that collective sigh of relief America, your long and arduous wait is finally over, for the Iceman cometh.  Yes, it's true, all these years you've toiled away in a senseless world that left you unable to tune in weekly to see Vanilla Ice remodel a home are over at long last... because  The Vanilla Ice Project is finally here!
That's right, the very same DIY network that brought us groundbreaking hits like Bathtastic and Kitchen Impossible have unleashed their greatest gift to the world yet to date - Robert Van Winkle: Licensed Contractor.
So please join me in mind and spirit this Thursday at 9pm, and tune in to the DIY network for the show's premiere, in the hopes that the theme song is a remix of a familiar old tune...

If you got an old house, yo I'll flip it

Buy it from the bank, mad cheap, low interest

Ice Ice Baby

...word to your broker...

Are you the D-Bag at the concert?

Having just spent the last two days at the insanely awesome Epicenter Festival I had the privilege of seeing some of my favorite bands of all time.  Aside from the kick ass music I also got to witness the other thing inherently present at all concerts... douchebags. 
I don't know if it's the venues or the sheer number of people that increase the odds of spotting a giant doucher, but whatever it is, nothing seems to bring them out of the woodwork quite like a music festival.  And after seeing so very, very many, I felt it was my duty to put together a checklist, just so you know that when you don't see the douchebag at the concert... it's probably you.

You're definitely the douchebag.......
5) if you have ever felt the need to chug half of your $10 plastic 16-ouncer of Coors Light, throw the remaining half aimlessly into the crowd and scream "Git 'er done!!!"
4) if you and the five dudes you came with have managed to remain shirtless for the entire 12 hours but never once removed your super-hipster fedoras.
3) if you have a tattoo of the band.  I hope that ayear from now the entire band is outed as child molesters and you have their big fat logo tattooed on the small of your back.
2) if you're the butthole that has my girlfriend's left shoe.
1) if you wear a white patent leather jacket with red-studded, fingerless gloves and literally none of the other bands acknowledge that you're there when they thank all of the bands for being a part of the festival.... I'm looking at you Jared Leto.

(sorry for the cheap shot but this is what happens when you sell out to a friggin' orange soda conglomerate buddy)

P.S. Gotta give props to whoever it was at KROQ 106.7 that decided to name a Los Angeles music festival Epicenter.  That just seems like we're asking for it.  Anyway, see you next year at KROQ's Broken Levees festival in New Orleans.

"The Event" is...

"If 24 and Lost had a baby, it would be The Event."
This is a real tagline being used to genuinely support NBC's brand new Monday night drama.  Well, if Jessica Simpson and Sloth from The Goonies had a baby, it would be the mastermind who came up with this promotional blurb.  On top of being inundated with moronic taglines, there are these constant commercials that are asking me over and over "What is the Event?"  So I've decided rather than wasting valuable years of my life actually watching the show,  I'll just venture a few guesses of my own and be done with it.
The Event is...
- The green auto movement hits the skids and the speed of global warming increases exponentially after all of the world's puppies are suddenly compelled to commit lemming-style mass suicide, exclusively by leaping out in front of hybrid vehicles.
- Ke$ha wins the Grammy for album of the year,  subsequently all that is good and pure ceases to exist.
- Jim Belushi gets another prime time show.... Wait... What?  Are you serious?! Oh shit.
- LeBron James follows his narcissistic 2010 interview "The Decision" with 2011's "The Event," in which he announces his intentions of undergoing drastic reassignment surgery and taking his talents to Madison Square Garden... to play for the New York Liberty.
- Sick of constantly giving, Oprah Winfrey steals Christmas.

There they are.  You'd be hard pressed to convince me the writers at NBC came up with anything better.  In fact, I'm hoping one of these was their idea and now they have to start from scratch.  But if you have any theories of your own, post them in the comment section below!
  

Youth of the Nation

Is there anything in the world more amusing than a mosh pit?

I attended a very wholesome hard rock concert last night and realized the answer is an emphatic "no." Because watching fifty kids who are all running neck and neck in the race for most awkward and unathletic virgin in their respective high schools rip their shirts off and plow into one another while their gawky limbs fly about uncontrollably and the odds that they'll have a date for the prom plummet with each pump of their defiant fists is just good, old-fashioned, quality entertainment.

At one point, a young lady who had unwittingly been sucked into the abyss of bizarre teen-rage emerged from the pit with one bare foot and a blank, bewildered look on her face and calmly asked "Have you seen my shoe?"

After scanning the vast seascape of skinny nerd-fury for a moment, I politely pointed her in the direction of a scraggly-haired, bare chested young lad who was presently dancing around a fire that had been ignited on the amphitheater lawn, howling and waving a shoe in the air like he had just used it to bludgeon Piggy from Lord of the Flies.

And people say the youth of America is poisoned...

"I'm Still Here," and so is the Swedish Fish that got stuck in my beard 6 weeks ago

So it turns out Joaquin Phoenix's rap career was a hoax, however his rat's nest hairdo and accompanying mega-hobo beard are still 2 legit 2 quit.

Lady Meatdress Marilyn Gaga?

Has anyone else considered the very distinct possibility that Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are actually the same person? All I'm saying is we haven't exactly seen Marilyn all over the place lately, and Lady Nutjob came seemingly out of nowhere. On top of that he seems like the kind of guy who would have that raw meat dress she wore to the VMA's just hanging in his closet waiting to be worn out on the town anyway.

Think about it.