Does Snooki have a calzone in the oven?

"I can totally store breast milk in here!"

Rumors are swirling that reality star, perfume spokesperson and all-around female role model Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is pregnant with her first child... or at least the first one that was crafty enough to get past her daily banana and Plan B smoothie. So for a moment let's just ignore the implications of this somehow qualifying as national news (looking more and more like the Mayans were right), and just consider the possible repercussions of a Snooki pregnancy:

- The question of "Who is the fawtha?" makes for a ratings record-setting, 6-hour long, greatest fucking episode of "Maury" EVER.

- Next season, the gang bands together to convert the "Smush Room" into a nursery.

- When an ultrasound shows the baby is upside down in the womb, expert doctors use a baker's shovel to delicately reposition it.

- The baby makes a classic Jersey Shore entrance when it falls out on the dance floor after some guy punches Snooki in the head.

- Lil' Snooki becomes the face of a new line of Jersey Shore baby food, which includes flavors like Tequila Sunrise, Pureed Meatball, and Hangover Blocker.

MTV Spinoffs to kill us all

Why would MTV sign Pauly D, Snooki and JWoww to lucrative deals for new spin-off shows, you ask? There's only one logical explanation, the higher ups at the network are carrying out an elaborate plan to bring about the end of days, then will rule over the post-apocalyptic world and its few remaining inhabitants with an iron fist based purely on their stockpiles of clean drinking water and their access to the last three books left on earth (I imagine that's all it would take to establish overlord status in this future world, and God I hope the books are Goosebumps).

"I would say we're laughing all the way to the bank, but we couldn't 'read' the forms they 'require' to open an account. So now we just tape our money to the underside of our tanning beds or hide it in the pantry with the red sauce. Oh!"

I just can't understand the motivation behind this decision (money). Are you really sitting down at your pitch meetings and suggesting "You know what America needs more of? Mind numbingly stupid people on television" (We already have Wendy Williams, enough is enough). It's almost as though MTV execs actually feed on our willingness to watch whatever shit they put out and require the smug satisfaction it gives them to stay alive. Like somehow they can't be happy with the money they've earned unless they know that in the process they have also sent the American population at large hurtling uncontrollably towards some sort of unstoppable idiot future.
Anyway, I gotta get going. I have like 5 episodes of the Jersey Shore backlogged on my DVR and they are just calling my name.