Does Snooki have a calzone in the oven?

"I can totally store breast milk in here!"

Rumors are swirling that reality star, perfume spokesperson and all-around female role model Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is pregnant with her first child... or at least the first one that was crafty enough to get past her daily banana and Plan B smoothie. So for a moment let's just ignore the implications of this somehow qualifying as national news (looking more and more like the Mayans were right), and just consider the possible repercussions of a Snooki pregnancy:

- The question of "Who is the fawtha?" makes for a ratings record-setting, 6-hour long, greatest fucking episode of "Maury" EVER.

- Next season, the gang bands together to convert the "Smush Room" into a nursery.

- When an ultrasound shows the baby is upside down in the womb, expert doctors use a baker's shovel to delicately reposition it.

- The baby makes a classic Jersey Shore entrance when it falls out on the dance floor after some guy punches Snooki in the head.

- Lil' Snooki becomes the face of a new line of Jersey Shore baby food, which includes flavors like Tequila Sunrise, Pureed Meatball, and Hangover Blocker.

Reason #5,376,981 not to have kids: Vodka soaked ass-tampons

My God, why is this a thing?



Sure, I drank like any other teenager. I found a way to get my hands on alcohol, and then I found a time and place to drink it without getting caught. And since such a large portion of my plan was devoted to not being caught, I decided that time and place wasn't 7th period Social Studies. Of course, I would've loved to have been hammered to get through class and get away with it, but it wasn't a realistic option, so I didn't do it.
But apparently, today's teenagers are a much different breed of resourceful/fucking disgusting than I was, so they've found a solution. When given the choice between getting through class sober, or pursing their anus around a vodka soaked tampon, they've elected to go with the latter. And why not? It's genius! Not only does it conceal the alcohol odor, but it gets it into your system much, much faster (Also, it makes for a hilarious play on words when the teacher calls the principal's office and says "Well, there's no sign of alcohol, but he really seems to be drunk off his ass.").
If there's one positive you can take from this though, it's the visual of a group of teenage boys staring at the one kid who struggles and chokes as he tries to suck the vodka out of a tampon. Then, waiting until he's done of course, the sideways hat-wearing, alpha-douche of the group laughs "You're such a GAYWAD dude, you do it like this -" and shoves a tampon up his own ass.
America's youth. Drink it in...