The greatest work of art ever?

About a week ago I did a stand-up show at a Mexican restaurant (because I'm famous), where rather than performing in front of a traditional backdrop like a brick wall, or a curtain, I got to perform in front of a mural so odd, so complex and so terrifyingly beautiful, that I spent the entirety of the show examining it for your benefit. Feast your eyes...

Man v. Food: A study in indirect homicide

You've all probably seen an episode of Man v. Food. If you haven't, stop reading immediately, go to the Travel Channel website, and soak it in.... Done? You're welcome.
Now let me be clear, this is in no way an attack on the entertainment value of this show. Rather, it is an open question about what it means for us as a people that it's so popular.
I myself happen to love this show. As disgusted as I am by the fact that it exists, when I see it pop up on my channel guide I just can't resist. There's just something so alarmingly engaging about watching Adam Richman fill his shapeless body to the brim with quantities and forms of food that simply shouldn't be stuffed inside of anyone. The real problem is, I can't tell if my interest is piqued by how he will finish an 11-lb. pizza, or if it's something much darker, like the morbid curiosity of what it's like to watch a man slowly die.

"Why have none of you people stopped me?!"

Now in season four, I can't help but wonder how much time could possibly be left on Mr. Richman's cardiac clock. And when he inevitably croaks with a gullet full of Dagwood sandwich, aren't we all kind of to blame? Jumping from challenge to challenge has had a noticeable effect on Adam's girth, and there's no denying that in those inevitable mid-challenge moments when his breathing slows and the pallor disappears from his face, that he looks like he's in the early stages of a massive heart attack (they should seriously consider changing the name of this show to Man v. Mortality, because I swear if you look closely back at the 5-lb. cheesesteak episode, somewhere around minute seventeen you can actually see Death sitting at a table in the corner reading a newspaper). I know, I know, it's impossible to change the channel when Adam is plowing through "The Devil's Asshole" hot wings challenge, with his sweat beading so heavily you just know it's covering every last inch of his weird, lumpy body (that dude must have to wear Sham-Wow underwear), but by staying glued to the screen, aren't we all just helping to murder him? I think we are, and frankly, I don't know if I can live with this on my conscience.
As a people, I think it's crucial that we band together and refuse to watch this program. As fun as it is, I just don't want this guy's impending demise falling on me, and neither should you.

Next Week: An in-depth analysis on the irreparable damage Man V. Food is doing to our foreign relations.

5 Reasons to check out the Venice Freak Show

Well, this looks inviting and not at all nightmarish...

I had the privilege recently of visiting the legendary Venice Beach Freak Show (for those of you who have been to Venice, no I am not simply referring to the boardwalk, although that super-buff black guy who walks around in a loin cloth with a fanny pack and a giant staff with a skull on top might indicate otherwise) and let me just say, it was as awesome as advertised.
So if you're ever in town, do yourself a favor and crack your piggy bank open and make your way to this $5 venue that will leave you seriously satisfied.

#5) The Dude Outside - The owner of the Freak Show also takes the role of promoter, as he stands outside for hours on end shouting into a microphone all the reasons you "have got to come inside and see this shit." Like an auctioneer of all things bizarre he rattles off all of the wacked out displays you'll see when you get inside. And if that's not enough to entice you, he offers a free preview with a live, two-headed turtle on the table next to him. Speaking of which... 
#4) Two Headed Friggin Everything - Seriously, everything. Any animal that you were unsure if it has ever had two heads, rest assured, it has. Offering examples both alive and dead (in case you were wondering how hilarious a taxidermied two-headed goat is... VERY), the Freak Show is a veritable cornucopia of all things dual-craniumed.
#3) The Mexican Wolf Boy - Yup. A wolf boy. Sure he wasn't so much a wolf as he was a dude covered head to toe in hair who stood there with his hands in his pockets and conversed with the customers quite amicably, but still. And evidently his rare disorder has him treated like royalty in Mexico (seriously) and pays him substantially to travel the world. I blog for free... Wolf Boy: 1, me: 0.
#2) The Electric Lady - Born with a body that can serve as a conductor of electricity without having that whole death side affect, she is a sight to behold. Basically hooked up like a car battery, she shows off how she can be the connector between power source and light bulb, and even how she can light a torch with her electrified tongue. It's hard to say for sure if this was, but if it isn't this girl needs to be an actress because she does an amazing job of faking the uncomfortable "there's lightning coursing through my body right now" face.
#1) The Balloon Eater - It's hard to imagine the most impressive thing about someone who hammers a giant spike up his nose and swallows swords being his balloon work, but seriously, it was. No joke, this guy blows up one of those long, thin party balloons until it's about four feet long, and he swallows it. And no, I don't mean like a sword swallower puts a sword down his throat then pulls it out (it would be a lot more impressive if they just ate it), I mean he friggin' swallows it. He pushes four feet of balloon down his esophagus and yeah, he eats it. Doesn't even pop it. And why is this the most amazing thing I saw? Because all I could think about for the rest of the day was how the hell he could do that! This guy is putting on shows roughly every 20 minutes, meaning he swallows probably 24-30 balloons a day. And I gotta tell you, I couldn't figure out any way of faking this, so my best guess is that it translates into 2-5 super colorful, latex-filled power shits a day... Hats off to you sir.

Stoners rejoice...

... for your day, a day that will be looked on as the greatest in your storied history, the arrival of your Messiah, will soon be upon us.
It was recently discovered that pothead paradise food chain Taco Bell is in the testing phase on a taco whose shell is constructed entirely out of one giant nacho cheese Dorito.

"I'm not ashamed to admit how aroused I am right now."

I'll give you a moment to gather yourself... wipe the drool from the corner of your mouth, it's gross... better?
I don't even know what to say here except why the testing? I can tell you what the results will be: FRIGGIN' DELICIOUS. Unless there is some legitimate worry that a Dorito of this size may spontaneously combust (and even if there is, I might just be willing to take that risk), I say for the love of God unleash this miracle of modern ingenuity on the anxiously awaiting public!
Unfortunately, Taco Bell has not yet indicated if or when they will make the tacos nationally available (evidently they hate money), but it's safe to say that the day you see white guys with dreadlocks in hemp shirts flooding the streets with orange fingers and public boners is the day the Doritos Locos Taco is officially here to save us all.