I LOL'ed my balls off when they shot that guy through the eye

I think it's safe to say we're all glad to be rid of Osama Bin Laden, but is this really the right reaction? Have we stooped so low on the intelligence meter as a society that we're reacting to the culmination of a ten year manhunt for the most evil man on the planet with internet acronyms? That's just sad. How sad? Sad enough that I'm literally SMH.

But honestly, is anyone ever actually doing what these acronyms would suggest they're doing? Am I supposed to believe that when the driver of this truck witnessed President Obama announcing Bin Laden's death his reaction was to "laugh his ass off"? And if that was his actual reaction, doesn't that make him clinically insane? Some people reflected in quiet closure, some stormed the streets with American flags, but this guy just sat in his living room laughing uncontrollably like some very special kind of lunatic.

Then again, this may be totally legit, because with one simple glance down at his bumper we can see that proper reactive etiquette isn't exactly this guy's strong suit; "Hmmm, what is the right way to subtly tell the world my parents are both dead?... Why, the perfect way to tell the world anything they need to know of course, a personalized license plate!"

Caught a bad case of the Vegases

When you see this you have got to feel sorry (or sorrier) for anyone who was actually born in Las Vegas, because apparently it's SO widely accepted that their hometown is an unstoppable cesspool of disease that it's completely acceptable to just throw it on a billboard. I mean, consider this, wouldn't it suck if you were from Topeka and you'd casually just hear people saying: "You just came back from where? Topeka? Better get your dick checked..." That's exactly what residents of Vegas have to deal with, and if that's not harsh enough now we're plastering their flaws on three-story high ads. You don't see any billboards touting New York as the bum-piss capital of the world, or Tampa Bay as having the nation's only 3-to-1 stripper to person-with-a-soul ratio, yet we treat the City of Lights with such careless disregard?
Ouch. Sorry Vegasites... Vegans... Vegasians? Whatever the hell you are. Sorry.

I'm too sexy for my teething ring

It's a pretty simple equation, if you have a super-hot baby and you want to make sure the world knows it, buy him this outfit...

I swear to God, if I see any kid in this inexcusable camo shorts/creepy shirt combo I will immediately report his parents to child services. I feel like this outfit alone could completely shatter a child's sexual psyche and result in years of expensive therapy over his deep-seeded mommy issues. 

Mommy's Major Hunk? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I see this kid fifteen years in the future telling girls they should feel privileged he's even asking them to prom, since his mom has been telling him what a fine piece of ass he was since he was one and a half. 

The fact that this outfit has even been manufactured begs the question: should any mother's be referring to their baby as a hunk? I feel like the answer there is a pretty strong "NO!" It seems unfair for a kid to have to tackle Oedipal issues before he can eat solid foods. And can a baby even be a hunk? And if they can, shouldn't you have the decency to take into account the millions of babies suffering from lack of confidence due to their rolly-polly shape (and pants shitting), and not rub it in their faces that you have a seriously chiseled infant?

This was so uncomfortable to even write that I don't know of a good way to wrap it up. World, you are weird and gross. Knock it off.

Bathe those feet in sweet, sweet luxury

Are you sick of letting your base extremities go unwashed because of that pesky bending over at the waist thing? Are you tired of the putrid fungus forming between your little piggies simply due to your unwillingness to literally clean head to toe? Do you find yourself wishing every day that you were born back in the good old days of the first century when Jesus was washing feet like there was no tomorrow?
Well my funky-footed friend, today is your lucky day...

From the makers of "Showering after a hefty dump in lieu of wiping your ass."

 

 

It's time to put an end to these garish pirate stereotypes

I was on my way to do a show last night (blowin' up in the back room at the Westwood Brew Co., getting famous much?) when I spotted this giant building-side ad off Wilshire:

Yo ho, yo ho, it's a pirate's alternative lifestyle for me!

All I could think to myself was that actual pirates must be rolling over in their watery graves over how unbelievably gay they are being portrayed as in modern media. While I'm sure some of them liked to accessorize, it's hard to believe the pirate population as a whole enjoyed beaded hair wraps, streaks of highlights, beard-beads (what is with this dude and beads?) or generously applied eye-liner quite as much as Captain Jack Sparrow seems to.
Now let me be clear by pointing out that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but that it simply might not sit so well with some roughneck sea-dogs helplessly watching this franchise make multi-millions from their perch in the big crow's nest in the sky. Sure Johnny Depp might say Captain Jack is based on Kieth Richards, but from where I (and probably a bunch of emasculated dead pirates) sit, it seems a lot more like the weird mustachioed gentleman who offers to braid your hair for five bucks in the Bahamas.

Stop praising your spectacularly mediocre children!

While driving down the highway this weekend I spotted one of those bumper stickers dedicated to a child's accomplishments. But it wasn't the standard "My Kid is on the Honor Roll at whatever, I dunno like, Lawrence Taylor High."  Which would've been bad enough. In fact I've actually come to realize in the years since, that I was a dick for thinking my parents should put that sticker on their car, because when they did, I now realize that everyone who pulled up behind them looked at it and said to themselves "No on cares douchebag!" But not this sticker, no this one was even more special. It read:

"My Child Received the Attendance Award at Palms Middle School."

Now THAT's worth bragging about!

You have got to be kidding me. We are setting the bar at an all time low if all it takes to pat ourselves on the back is that we made a kid who is able to show up to stuff. And it's not like it was next to an honor roll sticker. No, this was the only lonely sticker on that entire bumper. So it may as well have said "My kid went to school but don't get the wrong idea here, he in no way excelled academically." Congratulations, your kid was at a place. Is that really that praiseworthy? If so, I'd like my long overdue credit for the Yankees 2009 World Championship, because I was present at several games that year.

We need to put an end to this nonsense. Maybe stop shoving your kids faces full of hot pockets, pull them away from the TV for five minutes and make them go out into the real world and actually accomplish something. No more giving out trophies to the losing teams or telling your kids they're special for doing the most mundane shit. Why? Because it has been scientifically proven that this is the formula for creating assholes. So knock it off.

5 Reasons to check out the Venice Freak Show

Well, this looks inviting and not at all nightmarish...

I had the privilege recently of visiting the legendary Venice Beach Freak Show (for those of you who have been to Venice, no I am not simply referring to the boardwalk, although that super-buff black guy who walks around in a loin cloth with a fanny pack and a giant staff with a skull on top might indicate otherwise) and let me just say, it was as awesome as advertised.
So if you're ever in town, do yourself a favor and crack your piggy bank open and make your way to this $5 venue that will leave you seriously satisfied.

#5) The Dude Outside - The owner of the Freak Show also takes the role of promoter, as he stands outside for hours on end shouting into a microphone all the reasons you "have got to come inside and see this shit." Like an auctioneer of all things bizarre he rattles off all of the wacked out displays you'll see when you get inside. And if that's not enough to entice you, he offers a free preview with a live, two-headed turtle on the table next to him. Speaking of which... 
#4) Two Headed Friggin Everything - Seriously, everything. Any animal that you were unsure if it has ever had two heads, rest assured, it has. Offering examples both alive and dead (in case you were wondering how hilarious a taxidermied two-headed goat is... VERY), the Freak Show is a veritable cornucopia of all things dual-craniumed.
#3) The Mexican Wolf Boy - Yup. A wolf boy. Sure he wasn't so much a wolf as he was a dude covered head to toe in hair who stood there with his hands in his pockets and conversed with the customers quite amicably, but still. And evidently his rare disorder has him treated like royalty in Mexico (seriously) and pays him substantially to travel the world. I blog for free... Wolf Boy: 1, me: 0.
#2) The Electric Lady - Born with a body that can serve as a conductor of electricity without having that whole death side affect, she is a sight to behold. Basically hooked up like a car battery, she shows off how she can be the connector between power source and light bulb, and even how she can light a torch with her electrified tongue. It's hard to say for sure if this was, but if it isn't this girl needs to be an actress because she does an amazing job of faking the uncomfortable "there's lightning coursing through my body right now" face.
#1) The Balloon Eater - It's hard to imagine the most impressive thing about someone who hammers a giant spike up his nose and swallows swords being his balloon work, but seriously, it was. No joke, this guy blows up one of those long, thin party balloons until it's about four feet long, and he swallows it. And no, I don't mean like a sword swallower puts a sword down his throat then pulls it out (it would be a lot more impressive if they just ate it), I mean he friggin' swallows it. He pushes four feet of balloon down his esophagus and yeah, he eats it. Doesn't even pop it. And why is this the most amazing thing I saw? Because all I could think about for the rest of the day was how the hell he could do that! This guy is putting on shows roughly every 20 minutes, meaning he swallows probably 24-30 balloons a day. And I gotta tell you, I couldn't figure out any way of faking this, so my best guess is that it translates into 2-5 super colorful, latex-filled power shits a day... Hats off to you sir.

My day in pictures

So I had myself a bit of an interesting morning, and fortunately was able to snap pictures of all of the oddities I encountered. Lucky you...

Let's start the day at the breakfast truck, where look out! This Category 5 mullet is in full effect...

Wait, are those elastic waisted jorts?! They sure are. And you guessed it, they're being worn by the same dapper gent pictured above. Somebody's ready for a full day 'o lawn drinkin'!

Twenty dollars? Where do I sign up?! Who cares if your tat looks like it was inked by Muhammad Ali, at least it was easy on the wallet. This place's only real underseller is the LA County Prison, "Home of the 3 Cigarette Tattoo."

Holy crap it's the place where Alicia Silverstone got mugged in Clueless!  I may not have made the connection had I not just caught it on HBO last week. Judge me if you must...

Nothing says "spring is here" like a couple of birds bangin' on top of a dumpster!

And we have a winner for most disconcerting sighting of the day (or at least a close second to the mullet)! In case you are confused, yes, that is a picture of Libyan dictator Moammar Gadhafi and yes, it is mounted on the back of a semi.  Not really sure what to make of this. If nothing else we might just want to have a look-see in the back of this gentleman's truck.