Everything I know I learned from movie shows: Part II

After a long and eventful layoff that included no internet access, a narcotics sting, and a brief stay in a Taiwanese prison, Crunchy Brain Doodles is back and recovering nicely from that case of scurvy (enjoy your collective sigh of relief now, WORLD).

So now I present to you, a mere month and five days after the original post, essential life lessons you can learn through film, part II:

Everybody loves a soul-less whore.

If the person you're in love with is ashamed of you, the problem is definitely you: Yes, thanks once again to the veritable cornucopia of life lessons that is GREASE, you can quickly learn that all it takes to make someone love you is to alter every last fundamental part of who you are as a person. Oh and be sure to start smoking. 
Played to perfection by miss Olivia Newton-John, the character of Sandy found herself smack in the middle of a serious conundrum: She loved Danny Zuko, and he was into her too, but how could he possibly be expected to admit that in public with her admirable GPA and complete lack of a criminal record staring everyone in the face? So Sandy did what every teenage girl should be taught to do in this situation, forget all that horse shit about who you truly are on the inside and mold yourself into an empty replica of what he wants you to be. Susan B. Anthony would be so proud...


Your dad's death wouldn't be nearly as much of a bummer as you'd thought: Let me just start by posing this question; "What didn't GHOST DAD teach us?" That movie was chock full of important lessons, such as: 
1) Ghosts are completely visible, provided the lights are off.
2) Taking a cab at any point is taking your life in your hands.
3) Death in the family often leads to madcap hilarity.
4) The secret to the most impressive magic tricks is often the help the magician's father is giving him from beyond the grave.
5) Not even your earthly demise will change the fact that your teenage daughter is a total bitch.

If anyone can get SallieMae off your back, it's this dude.

Financial troubles are easily solved by a treasure hunt: Recently I was asked if I was beginning to worry about the ever-growing mountain of debt the federal government refers to as my student loans, and thanks to GOONIES, I was able to answer that query with a confident "hell no." 
Seeing as how I learned everything I know from the movies I watched as a child, I am fully aware that when financial issues have you backed up against a wall the smartest thing you can do is search through your attic for a treasure map, then proceed to climb down a hole with a deformed man-beast in a Superman t-shirt. Long story short, problem solved.

Everything I know I learned from movie shows: Part I

It occurred to me recently that many of the most important lessons I have ever learned, I learned from watching movies. In fact, I can't remember anything of value being instilled in me that wasn't done so by a film (thanks for nothing, loving parents). Now, in celebration of the wealth of knowledge that modern cinema bestowed on my budding young mind, I pass along these, the most essential life lessons you can learn through film, part I:

Summer Lovin' got me ten to twelve in San Quentin...

Men and women are very different (also known as the True Love/Sexual Assault Paradigm): Thanks to the jaunty musical GREASE, you'll quickly learn that when recounting a summer fling in song form, women will beg the question "Tell us more, tell us more, was it love at first sight?" While men will query "Tell us more, tell us more, did she put up a fight?" So, to sum up, women will be largely concerned with whether or not two people were truly connected from the first time they met, while men will basically just want to know if you had to rape her.

Having kids is a horrible idea: All it takes is one viewing of the film adaptation of the classic Roald Dahl book CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (the one with Gene Wilder that's actually named for Willy Wonka, not the one where Johnny Depp plays an albino pedophile) to learn that having kids is the wrong move. Why you ask? Because children are terrible people, as evidenced by the fact that Charlie was able to inherit an entire candy factory based purely on the merit of not being a total piece of shit. Yes, children are by in large so awful that Willy Wonka's deciding process was essentially: "Well, every other kid here is a complete asshole, so I guess you're the winner."

Where to drive drunk:  First off, let me start by saying that drunk driving is unbelievably moronic and dangerous and no one anywhere should do it, ever. Having said that, if you're go to do it anyway, at least do it in Minnesota. Why the north star state? Simple. Because as THE MIGHTY DUCKS so astutely pointed out, if you get caught there, your penalty will likely be a court mandate demanding that you coach a rag-tag pee wee hockey team to frozen glory. Quack, quack, quack...