Reason #5,376,981 not to have kids: Vodka soaked ass-tampons

My God, why is this a thing?



Sure, I drank like any other teenager. I found a way to get my hands on alcohol, and then I found a time and place to drink it without getting caught. And since such a large portion of my plan was devoted to not being caught, I decided that time and place wasn't 7th period Social Studies. Of course, I would've loved to have been hammered to get through class and get away with it, but it wasn't a realistic option, so I didn't do it.
But apparently, today's teenagers are a much different breed of resourceful/fucking disgusting than I was, so they've found a solution. When given the choice between getting through class sober, or pursing their anus around a vodka soaked tampon, they've elected to go with the latter. And why not? It's genius! Not only does it conceal the alcohol odor, but it gets it into your system much, much faster (Also, it makes for a hilarious play on words when the teacher calls the principal's office and says "Well, there's no sign of alcohol, but he really seems to be drunk off his ass.").
If there's one positive you can take from this though, it's the visual of a group of teenage boys staring at the one kid who struggles and chokes as he tries to suck the vodka out of a tampon. Then, waiting until he's done of course, the sideways hat-wearing, alpha-douche of the group laughs "You're such a GAYWAD dude, you do it like this -" and shoves a tampon up his own ass.
America's youth. Drink it in...

10 Facts you know are true but won't admit

Recently, I've been pondering (i.e. making mental notes while sitting on the toilet) the many truths out there that the world refuses to admit exist. Thanks to worries about political correctness, public perception and embarrassment, people are afraid to acknowledge certain things as fact. Lucky for you though, hiding behind a laptop and writing for a miniscule audience has rendered me completely unafraid of any and all of these repercussions, so here they are, 10 facts you know are true but won't admit:

- You hate your kids for the dream killing, bank account draining, booger factories they are.

- Black people are better at Wii basketball.

- You have watched an unjustifiable amount of "The Golden Girls"... and you've loved every minute.

Thank you for being a friend...

- When you're alone in your car, you get really into those super-low, spoken word, bass parts of Boyz II Men songs.

- You've considered pushing a woman into oncoming traffic for carrying her dog in her purse.

- You cried like a baby when you watched the opening scene of "Up" (the jig is up fellas).

- You don't actually understand how the radio works.


- You hate everyone who uses the term "staycation."

- You are completely mystified by the fact that women stop menstruating when they're in the water.

- You have no fucking idea where Guam is.

Everything I know I learned from movie shows: Part I

It occurred to me recently that many of the most important lessons I have ever learned, I learned from watching movies. In fact, I can't remember anything of value being instilled in me that wasn't done so by a film (thanks for nothing, loving parents). Now, in celebration of the wealth of knowledge that modern cinema bestowed on my budding young mind, I pass along these, the most essential life lessons you can learn through film, part I:

Summer Lovin' got me ten to twelve in San Quentin...

Men and women are very different (also known as the True Love/Sexual Assault Paradigm): Thanks to the jaunty musical GREASE, you'll quickly learn that when recounting a summer fling in song form, women will beg the question "Tell us more, tell us more, was it love at first sight?" While men will query "Tell us more, tell us more, did she put up a fight?" So, to sum up, women will be largely concerned with whether or not two people were truly connected from the first time they met, while men will basically just want to know if you had to rape her.

Having kids is a horrible idea: All it takes is one viewing of the film adaptation of the classic Roald Dahl book CHARLIE & THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY (the one with Gene Wilder that's actually named for Willy Wonka, not the one where Johnny Depp plays an albino pedophile) to learn that having kids is the wrong move. Why you ask? Because children are terrible people, as evidenced by the fact that Charlie was able to inherit an entire candy factory based purely on the merit of not being a total piece of shit. Yes, children are by in large so awful that Willy Wonka's deciding process was essentially: "Well, every other kid here is a complete asshole, so I guess you're the winner."

Where to drive drunk:  First off, let me start by saying that drunk driving is unbelievably moronic and dangerous and no one anywhere should do it, ever. Having said that, if you're go to do it anyway, at least do it in Minnesota. Why the north star state? Simple. Because as THE MIGHTY DUCKS so astutely pointed out, if you get caught there, your penalty will likely be a court mandate demanding that you coach a rag-tag pee wee hockey team to frozen glory. Quack, quack, quack...

I'm too sexy for my teething ring

It's a pretty simple equation, if you have a super-hot baby and you want to make sure the world knows it, buy him this outfit...

I swear to God, if I see any kid in this inexcusable camo shorts/creepy shirt combo I will immediately report his parents to child services. I feel like this outfit alone could completely shatter a child's sexual psyche and result in years of expensive therapy over his deep-seeded mommy issues. 

Mommy's Major Hunk? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I see this kid fifteen years in the future telling girls they should feel privileged he's even asking them to prom, since his mom has been telling him what a fine piece of ass he was since he was one and a half. 

The fact that this outfit has even been manufactured begs the question: should any mother's be referring to their baby as a hunk? I feel like the answer there is a pretty strong "NO!" It seems unfair for a kid to have to tackle Oedipal issues before he can eat solid foods. And can a baby even be a hunk? And if they can, shouldn't you have the decency to take into account the millions of babies suffering from lack of confidence due to their rolly-polly shape (and pants shitting), and not rub it in their faces that you have a seriously chiseled infant?

This was so uncomfortable to even write that I don't know of a good way to wrap it up. World, you are weird and gross. Knock it off.

Stop praising your spectacularly mediocre children!

While driving down the highway this weekend I spotted one of those bumper stickers dedicated to a child's accomplishments. But it wasn't the standard "My Kid is on the Honor Roll at whatever, I dunno like, Lawrence Taylor High."  Which would've been bad enough. In fact I've actually come to realize in the years since, that I was a dick for thinking my parents should put that sticker on their car, because when they did, I now realize that everyone who pulled up behind them looked at it and said to themselves "No on cares douchebag!" But not this sticker, no this one was even more special. It read:

"My Child Received the Attendance Award at Palms Middle School."

Now THAT's worth bragging about!

You have got to be kidding me. We are setting the bar at an all time low if all it takes to pat ourselves on the back is that we made a kid who is able to show up to stuff. And it's not like it was next to an honor roll sticker. No, this was the only lonely sticker on that entire bumper. So it may as well have said "My kid went to school but don't get the wrong idea here, he in no way excelled academically." Congratulations, your kid was at a place. Is that really that praiseworthy? If so, I'd like my long overdue credit for the Yankees 2009 World Championship, because I was present at several games that year.

We need to put an end to this nonsense. Maybe stop shoving your kids faces full of hot pockets, pull them away from the TV for five minutes and make them go out into the real world and actually accomplish something. No more giving out trophies to the losing teams or telling your kids they're special for doing the most mundane shit. Why? Because it has been scientifically proven that this is the formula for creating assholes. So knock it off.

M. Night Shameonyou

Who the hell keeps giving M. Night Shyamalan money? I mean, on one hand I can't blame the guy because if I was continually being handed cash to pump out shitty films I'd probably do it too (minus the probably). But on the other hand, this needs to stop. Seriously.

"Be cool. Act like I'm talented."

Each film he's come out with since The Sixth Sense, which came out twelve years ago,  have each been more panned than the last (his movies since have garnered an average 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes), and yet the film deals just keep rolling in. People keep showing up at the box office to soak in his latest juicy filmic turd. Not me though, I personally still haven't forgiven him for Signs, because I just can't excuse making an invasion film where an alien species who is deadly allergic to water,  elect to invade a planet that is made up of roughly 75% water (that's pretty much the equivalent of the Incredible Hulk willfully watching a House of Payne marathon, it's not gonna end well).
Now M. Night (Nice name, by the way. Ya jerk.) has scouted the latest victims to star in his next sure-to-be-hit, Will and Jaden Smith. Being a big Will Smith fan, normally I'd point out some of the other stars who took a chance and ended up with a bad case of the M. Night Shouldntadoneits (Mark Wahlberg, Paul Giamatti, Joaquin Phoenix, Adrian Brody, Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis) and I'd beg and plead for Will not to sully his career by working with such a consistently unsuccessful director. But as you know if you've been reading lately, my personal relationship with Mr. Smith has hit a bit of a snag (Willow STILL must be stopped!). That, plus the fact that he's insisting on doing another movie with his kid (Okay we get it, your children are AMAZING, no kids have ever been as talented as YOUR kids), makes me lose any sympathy I may have had.
While not much else is known, the film has been described as a sci-fi flick that sees Will and Jaden navigating an abandoned and desolate future Earth. Anyone else find this weirdly familiar territory for Will?  Kinda sounds like they're just swapping out the German Shepherd for his son and making I am Legend II (all will be forgiven though if they title it I am Legend-er).
In any case, I am boldly confident that it will be a real stinker. One that inevitably makes millions at the box office, lands M. Night yet another lucrative deal a year later, and has me angrily blogging in my underwear again somewhere in the not too distant future.

Kids: Small, terrible people

Here's what I won't be going to see at the movies... Hanna. Why you ask? Because kids are awful enough when they aren't expertly trained killing machines.
After seeing ads for this film for weeks now I decided I finally had to acknowledge my gripe here. A gripe that stems from the end of the trailer when Cate Blanchett says: "Sometimes children are bad people too." Right. Sort of. Except that children are bad people all of the time.
Ask yourself honestly, is there anyone fundamentally worse than other people's children? Everyone knows at least one that makes them get that "I don't know how okay this is, but I really friggin hate that kid" feeling. He smells like pee, he never wipes his nose and I swear to Christ if he tells me one more time how much better the food is at his house I'm going to break some pretty substantial laws. I mean realistically the only reason you even "like" your own offspring is because you are biologically predisposed to. Essentially, if your DNA didn't tell you that your pants pooping, crayon eating, ruiner of any and all peaceful moments 3-year-old was lovable it's more than likely you'd look at him and just think "Wow, my kid is kind of a dick."
And after each successive trip to the grocery store I find it less and less appealing to accept having some tiny person publicly scream at me to get them Cinnamon Toast Crunch and yet I'm the jerk when I punch them in the head. No thank you.
So don't tell my girlfriend, but when she's not home I sit naked on top of the running microwave with my laptop overheating on my lap and my cell-phone rubberbanded to my balls while sucking down a two-liter of Mountain Dew, because, well... you can never be too careful.