LOST: Any doubt I had that this is the funniest man on the planet

So you may remember a post I put up a few months ago regarding Charlie Sheen's desire to have "going insane" henceforth referred to as "Charlie Sheening." Well, my favorite actor is back in the news and he is, how should I put it... Charlie Sheening like a mother fucker.
In an amazingly awesome twist of events, just days after news broke that he'd return to work and production of Two and a Half Men would resume, he Sheened so hard he managed to shut the entire billion dollar show down. Maybe for good. The efficiency of this man's maniacal rants are simply astounding. Here are some of the finer bullet points from his radio interview:

"I was told if I went on the attack, they would cancel the show... so I'm just sort of seeing if they're telling the truth or not." -- Genius. He sets it up like a kid who was told he'd be spanked if he used his crayons to write on the walls. Then proceeds to write on the wall anyway... with poop.

"Watch your ratings, dudes. Watch your stupid ratings. Do what you've gotta do -- I'll go make movies with superstars and not work with idiots." -- You have to love the complete dismissal of everyone he works with. And the assumption that superstars are dying to work with him. Only when you enjoy complete disregard for anyone but yourself and soak in delusions of your own grandeur, are you truly free. I believe Jesus said that.

He called the creator of the show a "turd" and claims he embarrassed him "by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process." -- The obvious next move was to make a scatological insult then refer to himself as some sort of super-human. He had to do it.

Then he shares his feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous, including calling them "the 'Church of the Martian Idiots'," and saying "They suffocated my soul, they hijacked my brain, they brainwashed my friends and my family. Now I hate them violently and I will use every soldier in my army to defend myself against them and all their other freakin' loser clowns." -- Yes. Attack those who've done nothing but try to help you. That is how you Sheen like a pro.

Then when asked what he'll do about work when it resumes, he drops a golden nugget: "I'll be early. I don't sleep - I wait." -- BAM! Game, set, match. Even though I'm pretty sure he stole that from a Chuck Norris Facts website, I'll allow it.

Plain and simple people, we should all bow to this man. For he has Sheened liked no man before him has ever Sheened. And likely no man after him (when he inevitably Sheens himself to death) ever will. Plus he has given juvenile comedy writer like me an unbelievable wealth of material.
Charlie Sheen... I love you.

LOST: My faith in humanity...

... if you found my basketball, give it back ya dick!
Yesterday, on my way home from the gym (yeah that's right, I do things), I put my basketball in my backpack so it didn't roll all over the bus.  Seemed like an okay thing to do, but because it was too big (not the only time I've run into that problem.... heyyyooo) I couldn't zipper my bag all the way.
Anyway, I hop off the bus at my stop and start walking home through downtown LA.  While I walk, I catch a reflection of myself in a building side and all is well (I like what I see, as usual).  But oddly enough, not one minute later when I catch a glimpse of myself again (because yes, I look at myself whenever possible, it's called narcissism you should give it a try) I see that my backpack is now wide open and my basketball is nowhere to be seen.
I somehow hadn't noticed that my bag had opened and I didn't hear the ball fall out because I was rocking some serious old school Dr. Dre (or Melissa Etheridge, I don't recall) on my Ipod.  But what really irked me about the whole situation was that the streets were packed!  At the time I was walking right through a crowded farmer's market, yet somehow no one managed to see it happen or grab the ball for me.  So I retraced my steps but alas, I found nothing.  That's when I came to the conclusion that there are only three logical possibilities as to what went down...
- The kid walking right behind me wanted a basketball but was too poor to buy one, so he took it as a sign from God and accepted the gift.  In an interview following his selection in the 2017 NBA Draft, he will reference this day as the one when divine intervention introduced him to the game he loves.
- My ball somehow, defying all odds, bounced directly into the open window of a passing vehicle.  And since the driver didn't notice, he dealt with some serious confusion when he found a mysterious basketball sitting on his passenger seat upon his arrival back home in Burbank.
- It rolled from my bag, directly into the street, and upon reaching a busy intersection caused a massive 9 car pile-up (in which case.... my bad).

LOST: Charlie Sheen's clothes and mind...

...if found, please report to NO ONE.  Why?  Because Charlie Sheen is gift from God.  His antics are a joyous freshwater spring of hilarity in which I soak myself whenever his name pops up in the headlines.  And lucky me, guess who's back in the news. 
Yes the troubled star was happened upon by police in his NY hotel this morning and reported as drunk, naked, and out of control (as if there's any other way to party).  Sheen, whose company consisted of a solitary young lady (of whom I'm sure had many fine, Christian reasons for being there), apparently noticed his wallet had gone missing and flew into a violent rage.  Or, as it will be referred from this day forward, proceeded to Charlie Sheen all over the place.  I mean honestly, isn't it time we gave this guy his due?  He has been busting his ass for the last twenty some-odd years to impress us with his sheer insanity, and it's become abundantly clear that it's because he wants "going insane" to henceforth be called "Charlie Sheening."  And it damn well should.
After all, we are talking about a 45 year old man who was just apprehended after completely trashing his hotel room while stark naked (with his Two and a Half Men hanging out, mind you), only 2 months removed from rehab and only 6 months removed from an incident in which he may or may not have tried to stab his wife.  And what do his publicists say?  That "Mr. Sheen had an adverse allergic reaction to some medication."  They should be terminated immediately.  I will gladly replace them, and I will happily offer the press and police and subsequent judges and juries much more accurate and pertinent explanations of the celebrity's riotous shenanigans :
"Mr. Sheen had a tremendously magnificent reaction to a whole shit-ton of booze and decided, as is his right, to go fucking Charlie Sheen all over everyone's asses. Topper Harley for life!  Peace!"