10 Facts you know are true but won't admit

Recently, I've been pondering (i.e. making mental notes while sitting on the toilet) the many truths out there that the world refuses to admit exist. Thanks to worries about political correctness, public perception and embarrassment, people are afraid to acknowledge certain things as fact. Lucky for you though, hiding behind a laptop and writing for a miniscule audience has rendered me completely unafraid of any and all of these repercussions, so here they are, 10 facts you know are true but won't admit:

- You hate your kids for the dream killing, bank account draining, booger factories they are.

- Black people are better at Wii basketball.

- You have watched an unjustifiable amount of "The Golden Girls"... and you've loved every minute.

Thank you for being a friend...

- When you're alone in your car, you get really into those super-low, spoken word, bass parts of Boyz II Men songs.

- You've considered pushing a woman into oncoming traffic for carrying her dog in her purse.

- You cried like a baby when you watched the opening scene of "Up" (the jig is up fellas).

- You don't actually understand how the radio works.


- You hate everyone who uses the term "staycation."

- You are completely mystified by the fact that women stop menstruating when they're in the water.

- You have no fucking idea where Guam is.

Lady Gagaaaaahhh shit!

When I heard about this video, I knew I had to do my part to share it with the world (even if I can only offer the 15 pairs of eyes that consistently read this blog):

Wonderful.
Now even though I don't have anything in particular against the fair lady of gaga, she's still a weirdo, and this is just friggin funny. And it makes me happy knowing in my heart that every poor sap of a dude that got dragged to this concert by some female friend he's been trying to bed for the last year at least got a little chuckle out of this.
Too bad for Lady Gaga she wasn't wearing that meat dress again though, it probably would've offered her a lot more padding. Then again, she should be counting her lucky stars that she didn't smack her skull on the piano on the way down and wind up bleeding out on stage (don't be surprised if at future concerts she is also wearing a meat helmet).

LOST: Any doubt I had that this is the funniest man on the planet

So you may remember a post I put up a few months ago regarding Charlie Sheen's desire to have "going insane" henceforth referred to as "Charlie Sheening." Well, my favorite actor is back in the news and he is, how should I put it... Charlie Sheening like a mother fucker.
In an amazingly awesome twist of events, just days after news broke that he'd return to work and production of Two and a Half Men would resume, he Sheened so hard he managed to shut the entire billion dollar show down. Maybe for good. The efficiency of this man's maniacal rants are simply astounding. Here are some of the finer bullet points from his radio interview:

"I was told if I went on the attack, they would cancel the show... so I'm just sort of seeing if they're telling the truth or not." -- Genius. He sets it up like a kid who was told he'd be spanked if he used his crayons to write on the walls. Then proceeds to write on the wall anyway... with poop.

"Watch your ratings, dudes. Watch your stupid ratings. Do what you've gotta do -- I'll go make movies with superstars and not work with idiots." -- You have to love the complete dismissal of everyone he works with. And the assumption that superstars are dying to work with him. Only when you enjoy complete disregard for anyone but yourself and soak in delusions of your own grandeur, are you truly free. I believe Jesus said that.

He called the creator of the show a "turd" and claims he embarrassed him "by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process." -- The obvious next move was to make a scatological insult then refer to himself as some sort of super-human. He had to do it.

Then he shares his feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous, including calling them "the 'Church of the Martian Idiots'," and saying "They suffocated my soul, they hijacked my brain, they brainwashed my friends and my family. Now I hate them violently and I will use every soldier in my army to defend myself against them and all their other freakin' loser clowns." -- Yes. Attack those who've done nothing but try to help you. That is how you Sheen like a pro.

Then when asked what he'll do about work when it resumes, he drops a golden nugget: "I'll be early. I don't sleep - I wait." -- BAM! Game, set, match. Even though I'm pretty sure he stole that from a Chuck Norris Facts website, I'll allow it.

Plain and simple people, we should all bow to this man. For he has Sheened liked no man before him has ever Sheened. And likely no man after him (when he inevitably Sheens himself to death) ever will. Plus he has given juvenile comedy writer like me an unbelievable wealth of material.
Charlie Sheen... I love you.

Spies Wanted- Start Immediately!

While listening to the radio this morning I heard what I'd have to call the last commercial I ever expected to hear... ever.  After quite heartily enjoying a stimulating segment of LA's Kevin & Bean show in which Kevin and Bean praised guest Emmy Rossum for how thoroughly pleased they were with the full on boobery she displayed in the premiere of her new show Shameless (ironical?), they faded to commercial and a quiet came over the air as a striking voice begged the question: What if your job could change the fate of the nation?
Immediately, I assumed this was going to be some sappy, over-aggrandized ad for an admirable but normal job like teaching, nursing, or custodian-ing.  But then they asked: What if one meeting or operation could make our country a safer place?
Then I thought, well it would be hard to justify the thought that one parent-teacher conference could have such a vast effect.  And what do they mean by operation?  Is this a commercial to be a doctor?  And if so could any operation, no matter how difficult, really make the country safer (save for maybe removing a bomb from the skull of the President, a situation which has yet to present itself)?
Now thoroughly engrossed in this commercial, I anxiously awaited the next query.  And it came, and I swear this is true, in the form of: What if your job was so important, you couldn't tell your friends or family what you do?  Become a Clandestine Operative for the Central Intelligence Agency...
MIND BLOWN.
The fucking C.I.A. is putting out radio ads to recruit spies?!  I gotta say that does not make me feel good about the state of our nation's covert affairs.  I always thought if I was going to be a spy Al Pacino would find me in a bar or some shit.  I at least assumed the manner in which you became part of the world of espionage would at least be a little more, I dunno, espionagey?
Basically, I thought they find you.  Now I come to find out they run a few spots on the local morning show, likely in conjunction with several search engine optimized craigslist posts and a full pager in Parade Magazine.
For shame, C.I.A.  For shame.