More Monsters Please!

When did creatures of the night become so friggin' all encompassing? When I was a kid zombies and werewolves and vampires were around, sure, but they weren't dicks about it.

Frankly, it would've been a lot better had the whole series been like this.

It seems like recently they're on every TV network and in every other movie that comes out. How about leaving some for us normals ya jerks? Must you be in everything? This is one of those Hollywood trends where you can't help but wonder "when the hell is this shit going to end?" (kind of like that trend in the late 90's where we were somehow supposed to believe Renee Zellweger was hot). Now don't get me wrong, some of these films are amazing. Zombieland was hilarious and the Blade trilogy was pretty awesome (until I found out he wasn't paying his taxes, communist), but for the most part it just seems like someone has a shitty script and an exec is like "Fuck it, throw a vampire in there? Sold."
As a writer, it's really got me down on my prospects. I can't help but imagine my first pitch meeting will go something like this:

Agent: Well, they loved your script.
Me: Oh my God really? They said that?!
Agent: They sure did. They just had one request.
Me: Great! What is it?
Agent: They'd love for you to have more monsters in it.
Me: More what?
Agent: Monsters.
Me: But there aren't any monsters in it.
Agent: Exactly. So they think it could stand to have a few more.
Me: I don't understand.
Agent: This is an easy fix kid. They'd just like you to tweak the script slightly to make it less of a satirical comedy on the state of our nation and more of a romantic comedy where a vampire and a werewolf fall in love.
Me: WHAT?!
Agent: They said they'll pay 500k.
Me: Done. (Though I haven't encountered the situation yet, I'm fully prepared to accept the likelihood that I will be a total sellout)

M. Night Shameonyou

Who the hell keeps giving M. Night Shyamalan money? I mean, on one hand I can't blame the guy because if I was continually being handed cash to pump out shitty films I'd probably do it too (minus the probably). But on the other hand, this needs to stop. Seriously.

"Be cool. Act like I'm talented."

Each film he's come out with since The Sixth Sense, which came out twelve years ago,  have each been more panned than the last (his movies since have garnered an average 34% rating on Rotten Tomatoes), and yet the film deals just keep rolling in. People keep showing up at the box office to soak in his latest juicy filmic turd. Not me though, I personally still haven't forgiven him for Signs, because I just can't excuse making an invasion film where an alien species who is deadly allergic to water,  elect to invade a planet that is made up of roughly 75% water (that's pretty much the equivalent of the Incredible Hulk willfully watching a House of Payne marathon, it's not gonna end well).
Now M. Night (Nice name, by the way. Ya jerk.) has scouted the latest victims to star in his next sure-to-be-hit, Will and Jaden Smith. Being a big Will Smith fan, normally I'd point out some of the other stars who took a chance and ended up with a bad case of the M. Night Shouldntadoneits (Mark Wahlberg, Paul Giamatti, Joaquin Phoenix, Adrian Brody, Mel Gibson, Bruce Willis) and I'd beg and plead for Will not to sully his career by working with such a consistently unsuccessful director. But as you know if you've been reading lately, my personal relationship with Mr. Smith has hit a bit of a snag (Willow STILL must be stopped!). That, plus the fact that he's insisting on doing another movie with his kid (Okay we get it, your children are AMAZING, no kids have ever been as talented as YOUR kids), makes me lose any sympathy I may have had.
While not much else is known, the film has been described as a sci-fi flick that sees Will and Jaden navigating an abandoned and desolate future Earth. Anyone else find this weirdly familiar territory for Will?  Kinda sounds like they're just swapping out the German Shepherd for his son and making I am Legend II (all will be forgiven though if they title it I am Legend-er).
In any case, I am boldly confident that it will be a real stinker. One that inevitably makes millions at the box office, lands M. Night yet another lucrative deal a year later, and has me angrily blogging in my underwear again somewhere in the not too distant future.

Now that, was a steaming dump on film: Part I

This will be the first of many posts devoted solely to the most horrible movies I have ever seen.  Do you see what I do for you people (I'm talking to you, 7 devoted readers)?  I force myself to watch unbelievably poorly made movies with hopes of brightening your bleak existence... you're welcome.  Just a warning though, there will be spoilers.  But if you read this, then decide you have to go watch these films for any other reason than to laugh your asses off then, well, you're an idiot and I'm glad I spoiled it for you.  Enjoy!

Today's culprit: Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day

(pretty much every single video clip here is not safe for work, sorry kids)

Now just as a short aside, let me say that I really wanted to love this movie.  The first one was a ton of fun and well made so I held out hope that the second wouldn't shine a light on what a complete fluke it was. No such luck.

- At the start, the brothers MacManus have escaped Boston authorities and exiled themselves to Ireland. Believable, considering the way the first film ended. What I didn't believe though, was that they exiled themselves to 1600's Ireland.  They're both herding sheep in wool sweaters and have grown out some serious yeti beards. They look like they were auditioning for Year One. Who the hell were they hiding their faces from? All the Boston police scouring the Irish countryside for them??

- Then, when they decide they must return stateside, they take part in a gratuitous clean-up montage that includes a shower scene full of man-ass and giving themselves shockingly stylish haircuts using what appear to be giant sheep shearing scissors. Eat your heart out SuperCuts.

- Then we meet the lovely Julie Benz, who somehow piles more shit on the film than anyone.  Julie plays the rogue Federal Agent who helps the brothers, serving as the replacement to Willem Defoe's character in the first film. Only instead of serving as his replacement she essentially serves as a spoof of every awesome thing he did. Dressing like a cowboy hooker (I'm sure all government agents have that option) and speaking with an astonishingly bad southern drawl, she treats us to quite a few verbal gems, my favorite of which is: "I am so fucking smart that I make smart people feel like they are retarded!"  Wow, I loved Julie in Dexter, but someone should've murdered her in a bath tub in this one too.

- And now we come to the big bad mob boss... Judd Nelson.  Yeah. The casting alone was bad enough, but then he plays the guy as a complete caricature who hits his cronies with a giant salami (I'm serious) and says things like: "Those sons of bitches prison fucked us!... In the ass!" Like, come on guys, if you're going to prison fuck me, at least have the decency to do it in my face or vagina.

- Then the boys meet their sidekick, the replacement for Rocco in the first film. This part goes to Romeo, played by Clifton Collins Jr., who was amazing in The Last Castle, but not so much in this. The brothers meet fair Romeo during some inexplicable organized fight club on their boat ride to America (What? The Mayflower probably had the same thing), and it is love at first sight. From then on out he serves as their lovable, strangely emotional and overly Mexican sidekick who begs the eternal question: "Who ordered the whoop ass fajita?!"

Yeah, so those are my major gripes with this epic shitbomb.  I could go on forever, but I have things to do this week, so I'll just leave you with a few more of my favorite moments of the film:

- After killing a mobster named Gorgeous George, the brothers write "Erin Go Bragh" on his dead body. Ireland would be proud.

- It's revealed that from the first movie, Willem Defoe's character's full name was Paul Maximillion Smecker... totally necessary.

- The most dangerous assassin in the film is referred to as "the little guy." Not sure exactly how tall he's supposed to be but at one point he legitimately hides behind a fire hydrant. And it works.

- At one point the brothers, Connor and Murphy, somehow manage to have a simultaneous dream (Inception?) starring their dead friends Rocco and Greenly, who strut around Boston and giving the boys motivational speeches about "men building things" (can that be right?).  It ends on center ice at the Bruins arena where Greenly shoots a puck at them and they wake up in a cold sweat.

- Oh, and in the end, Willem Defoe isn't dead. He's fishing. And living off the Catholic Church. And Julie Benz is going to have to do that too... I don't fucking know.

And there it is.  The first steaming dump on film reviewed by Crunchy Brain Doodles.  Hope you had fun.  Oh and, I hope you don't regret tattooing one of the worst sequels ever on your body kid, because there is a Godfather III ink job on my ass that I would sell my soul to get rid of.