... if you found my basketball, give it back ya dick!
Yesterday, on my way home from the gym (yeah that's right, I do things), I put my basketball in my backpack so it didn't roll all over the bus. Seemed like an okay thing to do, but because it was too big (not the only time I've run into that problem.... heyyyooo) I couldn't zipper my bag all the way.
Anyway, I hop off the bus at my stop and start walking home through downtown LA. While I walk, I catch a reflection of myself in a building side and all is well (I like what I see, as usual). But oddly enough, not one minute later when I catch a glimpse of myself again (because yes, I look at myself whenever possible, it's called narcissism you should give it a try) I see that my backpack is now wide open and my basketball is nowhere to be seen.
I somehow hadn't noticed that my bag had opened and I didn't hear the ball fall out because I was rocking some serious old school Dr. Dre (or Melissa Etheridge, I don't recall) on my Ipod. But what really irked me about the whole situation was that the streets were packed! At the time I was walking right through a crowded farmer's market, yet somehow no one managed to see it happen or grab the ball for me. So I retraced my steps but alas, I found nothing. That's when I came to the conclusion that there are only three logical possibilities as to what went down...
- The kid walking right behind me wanted a basketball but was too poor to buy one, so he took it as a sign from God and accepted the gift. In an interview following his selection in the 2017 NBA Draft, he will reference this day as the one when divine intervention introduced him to the game he loves.
- My ball somehow, defying all odds, bounced directly into the open window of a passing vehicle. And since the driver didn't notice, he dealt with some serious confusion when he found a mysterious basketball sitting on his passenger seat upon his arrival back home in Burbank.
- It rolled from my bag, directly into the street, and upon reaching a busy intersection caused a massive 9 car pile-up (in which case.... my bad).
I saw this movie poster at USC and couldn't help but ponder a few possible taglines...
While driving around Century City this morning I saw what seemed very clearly to be Dennis Hopper driving around town in a Mini. Then I thought to myself, wait a minute, Dennis Hopper would never drive a Mini. Then I thought to myself (even further), wait a minute, Dennis Hopper died like 6 months ago. Which leaves me with only one question to answer; "Would zombie Dennis Hopper drive a Mini?"
Evidently, an actor from the ABC show Ugly Betty decided to go all Kill Bill on his mommadukes and has now officially been charged in her death. In fact, the details are hazy but there are rumors swirling that he may or may not have actually lopped her head off. So, yeah don't be surprised if from now on Ugly Betty is not only known for launching the career of America Ferrera, but also for "that guy who sword-murdered his mom." On a real level it's a sad and tragic event, but on a celebrity-story level, this easily takes the cake for most insane of the year (sorry David Carradine's "slightly odd" demise).
Congratulations bird watchers, your spot atop the sad hobbies pyramid has officially been usurped. And the new champs won't likely be giving up their spot any time soon; check out the Quidditch World Cup.
Yes, what the world clearly needs is a moral lesson from Bristol Palin and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino. After all, who better to deliver a message on the importance of sexual abstinence than a girl who is singularly famous for having gotten pregnant as a teen, and a Seaside Heights fist pumper who once tried to cure a case of crabs by free-balling it in a tanning booth (speculation, but likely true)?
... if you found my basketball, give it back ya dick!
