Stop praising your spectacularly mediocre children!

While driving down the highway this weekend I spotted one of those bumper stickers dedicated to a child's accomplishments. But it wasn't the standard "My Kid is on the Honor Roll at whatever, I dunno like, Lawrence Taylor High."  Which would've been bad enough. In fact I've actually come to realize in the years since, that I was a dick for thinking my parents should put that sticker on their car, because when they did, I now realize that everyone who pulled up behind them looked at it and said to themselves "No on cares douchebag!" But not this sticker, no this one was even more special. It read:

"My Child Received the Attendance Award at Palms Middle School."

Now THAT's worth bragging about!

You have got to be kidding me. We are setting the bar at an all time low if all it takes to pat ourselves on the back is that we made a kid who is able to show up to stuff. And it's not like it was next to an honor roll sticker. No, this was the only lonely sticker on that entire bumper. So it may as well have said "My kid went to school but don't get the wrong idea here, he in no way excelled academically." Congratulations, your kid was at a place. Is that really that praiseworthy? If so, I'd like my long overdue credit for the Yankees 2009 World Championship, because I was present at several games that year.

We need to put an end to this nonsense. Maybe stop shoving your kids faces full of hot pockets, pull them away from the TV for five minutes and make them go out into the real world and actually accomplish something. No more giving out trophies to the losing teams or telling your kids they're special for doing the most mundane shit. Why? Because it has been scientifically proven that this is the formula for creating assholes. So knock it off.

That is one large, furry man

Well I saw this on Sportscenter yesterday and it was clearly impossible to resist...

- The chairman of PETA saw this and his fucking head exploded.

- This is actually a photo of the little known secret character in the hit martial arts game Shaq Fu.  Meet, Shaq Fu-r (maybe the corniest joke I've ever come up with, don't judge me).

- How an African Brown Bear wound up in metropolitan Boston, I will never know.

- How many innocent wookies have to die for the sake of your fashion needs sir?

- Shaq was chilly, so quick thinking Marv Albert pulled this right off his own head and sweetly wrapped the gentle giant.

Faster than a speeding...

So I saw a commercial for the brand new Sonic the Hedgehog game (as if they could top Sonic 2, what up chemical plant?) and I noticed something odd.  For some reason in their slogan they refer to our speedy blue hero as "Faster than a speeding you know what..."
But the thing is, I don't know what.  Can they not say the word bullet on television?  Does Superman have that quote copyrighted and they don't want to pay the exorbitant Kryptonian royalties?  Or even better, do they have something much filthier in mind that might not go over too well with the FCC?
Who knows?  Not me, but I am willing to venture a few guesses...

- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding pile of shit."
- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding out of control train manned only by Denzel Washington and Chris Pine who must put aside their difference in age and find a common ground if they want to live to see another day."
- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding panda murder."
- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding, and inexplicably armed to the teeth, Delonte West (this story still cracks me up)."
- "Sonic, he's faster than the speed-dating session where your mother and I met... we've been intimately involved ever since. Now I don't want you to think I'm trying to replace your dad, because I'm not.  But I do ask that you treat me with respect while I am in this house.  Okay sport?"