Shirtless Fat Guy, ESQ.

So while I was taking advantage of DirecTV's free week of NBA League Pass, I caught an Orlando Magic broadcast on the day they were crowning the Ultimate Magic Super-fan.  It was a nice little competition in which the most devoted fans got some TV time and a chance to be voted fan of the year.  One man however, was deemed ineligible, for reasons which I assumed involved his being entirely too awesome.  This is that man...

Upon seeing this, I immediately decided I will be moving to Orlando, and retaining his services as my lawyer. 
"The Fat Guy," as he is lovingly known, was declared ineligible from the contest because it was assumed by everyone that he is obviously the ultimate fan, and has won the award too often.  He did however, serve as the master of ceremonies and presented the award wearing this.
Hats (and shirts) off to you Mr. Dennis Salvagio, you made my day.

That's all folks!

It recently occurred to me that while I have always loved them, all Looney Tunes cartoons are astonishingly messed up.  And the more I go back and watch now, the more apparent they're complete ridiculousness has become.
Now I know what you're thinking, they're a product of their times.  They were made in the middle of the 20th century so most of what I'm construing as "fucked up" just wasn't considered to be at that time.  But that's the thing, I'm not mad about it.  In fact, I wish cartoons were still that way.  Maybe then, the world wouldn't be so full of overly sensitive, overly P.C., overly whiny "insert insensitive, un-P.C. insult here."
More than anything though, I wish I were a fly on the wall in the writer's room during the creation of these cartoons, just too see where exactly they drew the line.  I like to think it would've played out a little something like this:

Head Writer- "Okay people let's do this.  I need ideas, everything you've got.  Let's just start spitballing."
Writer #1- "Racism!  Lots of it!  Like a cheese crazy Mexican mouse who lives in one small hole with his entire extended family!"
Head Writer- "Nice.  Keep 'em coming."
Writer #2- "Speech impediments!  Like, just... everyone!  I'm talkin' a pig, a cat, a bird, a duck.... Ooh!  And a giant-headed hunter who may or may not have downs syndrome!"
Head Writer- "Yes!  What else we got?"
Writer #3- "Cross dressing!  We can have the rabbit elude his enemies by dressing like a whore and seducing them!"
Head Writer- "Alright!  Little weird, but I think we can make it work."
Writer #4- "Rape!  We'll have a crazy horny French skunk who just sexually assaults everything!"
Head Writer- "Of course!  What's children's entertainment without rape overtones?  Gold!  This is gold I tell ya'!
Writer #5- "Amputees!"
Head Writer- "Woah woah!  Jesus Christ Phil what the fuck?!"
Writer #5- "I... I just... well everyone was throwing out ideas."
Head Writer- "Not like that man!  It's called tact Phil!  You know what... why don't you do us all a favor and just get the hell outta here.  Pack you things sicko.  We'll mail your final paycheck."


Annnnnd, super inappropriate scene.

Angel on the Metro

I just wanted to share this because... well because look at it, that's why.  This seemed so out of place and so odd to me in fact, that it had me genuinely wondering if at some point on my way to the subway I had actually died, and this was the train to heaven.  

Fear not though, for I am writing this blog post from work (as I should be) and not from the great beyond.  Yeah, the train just went to Hollywood, and the whole ordeal was pretty anticlimactic.  Not unlike this blog post...

Ricky Gervais is such a meanie!

You really have to love how shaken to the core our world has been over the comments made by Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes the other night.  Did he go too far?!? No, he didn't.  Because guess what, awards shows are unwatchable.  That is unless the host actually has the balls to say something worth hearing.
Listen, I'm not saying Billy Crystal singing at the Oscars isn't amazing (it isn't), but the only reason I will ever tune in to an awards show is if I think the host my be a big enough dick to just go for it.  Ricky Gervais was, and I loved every minute of it.
The best part is, all he did was make a few slightly off-color, while completely honest cracks about some big time celebrities.  By the backlash you'd think the guy attacked cancer patients and orphans.  TMZ shits on these people every day.  Don't like being made fun of?  You get paid millions of dollars to play make-believe and have the world kiss your ass.  Deal with it.
Plus, it's not as though any of his snipes were late breaking news:

- Charlie Sheen likes hookers; Oh and also Archie likes Betty and Veronica.
- Tom Cruise is a whack job Scientologist who may or may not prefer the company of gentleman; Really?  Because I thought his insane rants declaring his love for Katie Holmes on Oprah were the musings of a guy who wasn't trying to hide something.
- The ladies of Sex & The City are getting old; At least he didn't attack the fact that the film they're in is a vacuous, soul-sucking piece of shit that I assume is THE #1 reason terrorists hate America.
- Robert Downey Jr. liked narcotics and frequented jail; Look, I'm a big fan of his, but if he considers being ribbed about his former ways "mean-spirited with sinister undertones" he probably should've thought of that before he did all those epic buttloads of drugs.
- Bruce Willis was referred to as Ashton Kutcher's dad; I'll get mad at that as soon as you can prove to me that they have never once played catch.
- Tim Allen's career has not been as illustrious as Tom Hanks' has; Ummm, wait.  You mean to tell me that the Academy Award winning performer of Forrest Gump garners more respect than Binford's own "Tool Man"?  I find that seriously hard to believe.

Honestly, every one of these jokes was HILARIOUS.  And TRUE.  Sorry Hollywood, but you did this.
Oh and one last thing, how come no one seems nearly as upset about Robert DeNiro's deported waiters joke?  Just curious (You can attack the immigrants, but leave Sherlock Holmes and Buzz Lightyear out of this you sick bastard!).

Color me infuriated... and orange

I'm rarely shocked by anything I find on the internet today (though I am one of the few steadfast boycotters of 2 Girls 1 Cup left), but this?  This is beyond horrendous.
As everyone knows, the Mayans (and a shitty John Cusack film) predicted that the world as we know it would come to an end in 2012.  And here's to hoping they're right...

Click here if you want to feel ashamed to be a human.

If you're even a semi-decent person, you are probably feeling strongly compelled to kill yourself for being a member of a species that would let this happen.  But resist that urge, you aren't the ones who should be punished.
Here are a few bullet points from this clip that I hope will garner unimaginably terrible repercussions for every last person involved in its creation:

- "As I've always said, you're never too young too look bangin'."  --- WHAT?! I don't even know how to go about attacking that statement.  Mostly because hearing it just made me have a stroke.
- "She's going to get Snooki-fied." --- This little girl is getting a free Whore-Over.
- "You don't wanna make yourself look too orange, but you wanna look tan at the same time." --- Sound advice.  Clearly Snooki here has found the perfect balance between Spalding basketball and Garfield.
- "Then you have to put on the pink lipstick, because boys love pink..." --- And you're fucking 11.
- "Ready?  Hold your breath... for like a minute." --- That won't be an issue for you, will it Michael Phelps?

I'm done.  If we don't want the world to end in 2012 then we must appease the Gods.  And I know that we can if we manage to get the assholes at ET, Snooki and her Jersey Shore pals, and especially the parents of this little girl, gather them in a public square, and beat them all to death with sacks full of wrenches.
I'm sorry, but it's the only humane thing to do.

That is one large, furry man

Well I saw this on Sportscenter yesterday and it was clearly impossible to resist...

- The chairman of PETA saw this and his fucking head exploded.

- This is actually a photo of the little known secret character in the hit martial arts game Shaq Fu.  Meet, Shaq Fu-r (maybe the corniest joke I've ever come up with, don't judge me).

- How an African Brown Bear wound up in metropolitan Boston, I will never know.

- How many innocent wookies have to die for the sake of your fashion needs sir?

- Shaq was chilly, so quick thinking Marv Albert pulled this right off his own head and sweetly wrapped the gentle giant.

Athletes in Film: Dan Marino

Now I may be biased because I'm a Miami Dolphins fan (I feel your pain Hootie... yes Blowfish fanatics, that was an "I Only Wanna Be With You" reference), or I may just be a sharply refined connoisseur of fine comedy, but in either case I think Dan Marino's turn in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was friggin priceless.
Playing himself and the kidnap victim of a psychotic, trannie ex-kicker (props to Ray Finkle for forever giving me a fantasy football name), Dan is the perfect straight man to Jim Carrey's tu-tu wearing, chloroform wielding, ass-talking critter gumshoe Ace.
While only appearing in a few scenes, Marino's performance is rife with curly-haired hilarity.

- While Ace fights Finkle/Einhorn, Marino begs the question: "Having a little trouble with the lady Ace?"
- Moments later, he has the pleasure of discovering that lady's lumpy little secret.  Being the first to spot the subtly tucked back, yet bulbous man-bulge hiding in her panties (sorry for even finding a picture of that).
- And finally, while driving down the highway with their heads out the window, playing a role in one of my favorite dialogue exchanges of all time :
"Hey Ace!"
"Yeah Dan?"
"You have anymore of that gum?"
"That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs."
"You're a weird guy Ace.  Weird guy."

So I commend you and your sharp thespian skills Mr. Marino.  While you may not have won a Super Bowl, let's be honest...  more people will remember this anyway.