Tuesday, May 31, 2011

And the Oscar goes to... Sir Vincent of Diesel!

Shiny trophy!!!
Apparently, while racing his '67 Charger, Vin Diesel lost his damn mind in a high stakes bet. Since the huge release of the titular five-quel (that's what they call them, right?) in The Fast and The Furious series,Fast Five, Vin has been bragging around town about the possibility of some serious award consideration, saying: "I wouldn't be surprised if there is some Oscar talk around this." 
Really? You wouldn't be surprised? Because I feel like everyone else in the fucking world would be. The only way to legitimize that statement would be to follow it up with "I also wouldn't be surprised if OJ Simpson garnered some consideration for the Academy's lifetime achievement award," then laughing heartily and saying "Just fucking with you... obviously."
Listen, I like an ass-kicking action flick as much as the next guy, but if Vin Diesel really thinks there will be any Academy Awards for a film in which he and Paul Walker drive a convertible off a cliff and base jump out of it (or for any film that Paul Walker appears in, for that matter) then he has seriously lost his shit. He'll have a better chance of taking home the little golden man with the next Chronicles of Riddick installment than with anything that's fast and/or furious. 
Come on now Vin, just be who you are. You don't remember hearing Schwarzenegger talk up the Oscar chances of Collateral Damage do you? Just make your action flicks, count your money, and possibly consider fathering a child with the household help.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

I'm too sexy for my teething ring

It's a pretty simple equation, if you have a super-hot baby and you want to make sure the world knows it, buy him this outfit...

I swear to God, if I see any kid in this inexcusable camo shorts/creepy shirt combo I will immediately report his parents to child services. I feel like this outfit alone could completely shatter a child's sexual psyche and result in years of expensive therapy over his deep-seeded mommy issues. 
Mommy's Major Hunk? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I see this kid fifteen years in the future telling girls they should feel privileged he's even asking them to prom, since his mom has been telling him what a fine piece of ass he was since he was one and a half. 
The fact that this outfit has even been manufactured begs the question: should any mother's be referring to their baby as a hunk? I feel like the answer there is a pretty strong "NO!" It seems unfair for a kid to have to tackle Oedipal issues before he can eat solid foods. And can a baby even be a hunk? And if they can, shouldn't you have the decency to take into account the millions of babies suffering from lack of confidence due to their rolly-polly shape (and pants shitting), and not rub it in their faces that you have a seriously chiseled infant?
This was so uncomfortable to even write that I don't know of a good way to wrap it up. World, you are weird and gross. Knock it off.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Bathe those feet in sweet, sweet luxury

Are you sick of letting your base extremities go unwashed because of that pesky bending over at the waist thing? Are you tired of the putrid fungus forming between your little piggies simply due to your unwillingness to literally clean head to toe? Do you find yourself wishing every day that you were born back in the good old days of the first century when Jesus was washing feet like there was no tomorrow?
Well my funky-footed friend, today is your lucky day...

From the makers of "Showering after a hefty dump in lieu of wiping your ass." 


Friday, May 13, 2011

It's time to put an end to these garish pirate stereotypes

I was on my way to do a show last night (blowin' up in the back room at the Westwood Brew Co., getting famous much?) when I spotted this giant building-side ad off Wilshire:

Yo ho, yo ho, it's a pirate's alternative lifestyle for me!
All I could think to myself was that actual pirates must be rolling over in their watery graves over how unbelievably gay they are being portrayed as in modern media. While I'm sure some of them liked to accessorize, it's hard to believe the pirate population as a whole enjoyed beaded hair wraps, streaks of highlights, beard-beads (what is with this dude and beads?) or generously applied eye-liner quite as much as Captain Jack Sparrow seems to.
Now let me be clear by pointing out that there is nothing wrong with being gay, but that it simply might not sit so well with some roughneck sea-dogs helplessly watching this franchise make multi-millions from their perch in the big crow's nest in the sky. Sure Johnny Depp might say Captain Jack is based on Kieth Richards, but from where I (and probably a bunch of emasculated dead pirates) sit, it seems a lot more like the weird mustachioed gentleman who offers to braid your hair for five bucks in the Bahamas.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

John Cena: Ambassador to the world

Imagine you are in the crowd at the WWE 2011 Extreme Rules event. You are having a grand old time, throwing back beers and watching grown men wrestle in unitards (they still wear these, right?). The guy next to you has three teeth and his wife is holding a sign that says "Triple H can give me the Pedigree any time!" Jerry Lawler's weird chest hair is within mere feet of you. THIS, is America.
But just when you thought things had gotten as red, white and blue as they could, WWE Champ John Cena stands on the announcers table and drops this bombshell:

 Are you friggin' kidding me? Did the guy from such cinematic masterpieces as 12 Rounds and The Marine just give us the breaking news we would have otherwise gotten from George Stephanopoulos? Did we just learn of a Navy SEAL incursion that brought to an end the reign of the most evil man of our time from this dude? Wait, did John Cena kill Osama Bin Laden?!
The best part of this video though is that the honorable Mr. Cena refers to Bin Laden's death as being "compromised to a permanent end." Then shortly after, if you listen closely, you can hear a confused audience member ask aloud "But is he dead?"
Now THAT's America.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Meet LA's finest billboard doctor

While driving slowly up Olympic toward Santa Monica yesterday morning, I happened upon a billboard featuring this man:

Unable to snap a picture due to traffic, and the tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, I was luckily able to track Dr. Daniel down on the internet for your viewing pleasure.
There's just so very much to love about this man's ad campaign. First off, his name is fucking Dr. Daniel. And it is a well known fact that any doctor who goes by his first name is just displaying the fact that he's going to spend the majority of your appointment making inappropriate jokes. Second, his slogan is "Hola Dr. Daniel!" I LOVE IT. It's like he's hoping to cash in on the niche market of Hispanic's who are not only unhappy with how they look (of course he's a plastic surgeon, it's LA), but are also huge fans of The Simpsons (Is he also a proud alumnus of Hollywood Upstairs Medical College?). And lastly, this man has clearly spent a great deal of time crafting what would be his public image, and it has paid in dividends. I just picture him during the photo shoot explaining to the photographer: "I want people to look up and think to themselves, 'Well I can see that he's a doctor, but I find myself wondering if he may also be an Alliance approved magician available for private parties.'"

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Stop praising your spectacularly mediocre children!

While driving down the highway this weekend I spotted one of those bumper stickers dedicated to a child's accomplishments. But it wasn't the standard "My Kid is on the Honor Roll at whatever, I dunno like, Lawrence Taylor High."  Which would've been bad enough. In fact I've actually come to realize in the years since, that I was a dick for thinking my parents should put that sticker on their car, because when they did, I now realize that everyone who pulled up behind them looked at it and said to themselves "No on cares douchebag!" But not this sticker, no this one was even more special. It read:

"My Child Received the Attendance Award at Palms Middle School."

Now THAT's worth bragging about!
You have got to be kidding me. We are setting the bar at an all time low if all it takes to pat ourselves on the back is that we made a kid who is able to show up to stuff. And it's not like it was next to an honor roll sticker. No, this was the only lonely sticker on that entire bumper. So it may as well have said "My kid went to school but don't get the wrong idea here, he in no way excelled academically." Congratulations, your kid was at a place. Is that really that praiseworthy? If so, I'd like my long overdue credit for the Yankees 2009 World Championship, because I was present at several games that year.
We need to put an end to this nonsense. Maybe stop shoving your kids faces full of hot pockets, pull them away from the TV for five minutes and make them go out into the real world and actually accomplish something. No more giving out trophies to the losing teams or telling your kids they're special for doing the most mundane shit. Why? Because it has been scientifically proven that this is the formula for creating assholes. So knock it off.