Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Coming to a theater near you...

I saw this movie poster at USC and couldn't help but ponder a few possible taglines...

"The inspiring story of world-record holding ladykiller Wilt Chamberlain and the most amazing week of his life."

"The daring, and surprisingly even more homoerotic sequel to the epic 2007 blockbuster 300."

"The gritty and unforgiving tale of what Paris Hilton did last Tuesday."

"The true to life biography of......... YOUR MOM."

Monday, November 29, 2010

Postmortem Celebrity Sighting!

While driving around Century City this morning I saw what seemed very clearly to be Dennis Hopper driving around town in a Mini.  Then I thought to myself, wait a minute, Dennis Hopper would never drive a Mini.  Then I thought to myself (even further), wait a minute, Dennis Hopper died like 6 months ago.  Which leaves me with only one question to answer; "Would zombie Dennis Hopper drive a Mini?"
It's hard to say whether a person's taste in automobiles would change upon their departure from their earthly body, but I suppose it's possible.  In any case, I'm really hoping to see Leslie Nielsen riding around Hollywood on a moped tomorrow, because I miss him already.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Giving thanks for insanity and swords

On this, the eve of the Thanksgiving holiday, I feel I truly need to stop and smell the roses.  Because when I think about it there is just so much to be thankful for, possibly nothing more so than a sword-wielding celebrity.  Yeah, don't backtrack, you read that right.
Evidently, an actor from the ABC show Ugly Betty decided to go all Kill Bill on his mommadukes and has now officially been charged in her death.  In fact, the details are hazy but there are rumors swirling that he may or may not have actually lopped her head off. So, yeah don't be surprised if from now on Ugly Betty is not only known for launching the career of America Ferrera, but also for "that guy who sword-murdered his mom."  On a real level it's a sad and tragic event, but on a celebrity-story level, this easily takes the cake for most insane of the year (sorry David Carradine's "slightly odd" demise).
I guess if there is anything positive to take from this whole ordeal it's that it's refreshing to see the sword making a comeback.  Guns are just so... easy.
Oh, and also, upon researching Ugly Betty for this post I learned on IMDB that the show's title in Spanish translates to: I am Betty, the Ugly Girl.  So... that's kinda awesome too.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Quidditch anyone?

Congratulations bird watchers, your spot atop the sad hobbies pyramid has officially been usurped.  And the new champs won't likely be giving up their spot any time soon; check out the Quidditch World Cup.
Yeah, apparently a group of mega-virgins had a meeting of the minds and decided to bring the flying broomstick sport of Harry Potter lore into their less than satisfying reality.  And I say why not?  It's not like the excitement or respectability of the game could be diminished by your inability to actually fly, or the fact that you're running around a field with a fucking broomstick between your legs.
I don't even know where to start with this.  This may be the saddest thing I've ever seen (and that includes All Dogs Go To Heaven).  These real life "athletes" make Ultimate Frisbee players look like VanDamme in Bloodsport.  The premise is that two teams take a volleyball along with all of their combined social awkwardness out onto the playing field and try to put the ball through a hoop, all while remaining crotch-jockeyed to their broomsticks, obviously (it's sort of like basketball for the mentally ill).  In addition, someone called a snitch apparently just runs around aimlessly the entire time?  I honestly have no idea. Maybe he escaped from the Hogwarts short-bus and you get bonus points for wrangling him up.  Seems cruel though.
In any case, now that the sport has come to light thanks to internet videos galore, these "athletes" are having some wonderful back and forths with Quidditch detractors in comment threads.  One player even defended the "sport" by pointing out that he once broke his leg during a Quidditch "match."  Yeah... might wanna keep that to yourself buddy.  I'd say you broke it figure skating, you'll get more ladies that way. 
I guess all I really want out of this is to make my opinion as clear as I can, so ummm... THIS IS NOT A SPORT!  In fact, the only thing that's less of a sport than this would be if a bunch of furry Frodo fanatics got together and formed an intramural "One-True-Ringtoss" league. 
So for the love of God and all that is good with the world of sports, please stop.

Monday, November 22, 2010

The more you definitely don't know...

Yes, what the world clearly needs is a moral lesson from Bristol Palin and Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino.  After all, who better to deliver a message on the importance of sexual abstinence than a girl who is singularly famous for having gotten pregnant as a teen, and a Seaside Heights fist pumper who once tried to cure a case of crabs by free-balling it in a tanning booth (speculation, but likely true)?
But after seeing the inspirational spot starring Preggers McGee and Tony Abdominals, I wondered what other celebrities could have offered their complete lack of qualifications to deliver an important public service message:

- Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden for D.A.R.E.
- Michael Richards on verbal restraint.
- Pete Rose on the dangers of gambling (and the importance of a good haircut).
- Brett Favre on the risks of sexting.
- Ben Affleck on choosing film roles carefully.
- Tiger Woods on the sanctity of marriage.
- Chris Farley and John Belushi on the subtle art of moderation.

Any other suggestions?  Leave a comment below...

Friday, November 19, 2010

LOST: My faith in humanity...

... if you found my basketball, give it back ya dick!
Yesterday, on my way home from the gym (yeah that's right, I do things), I put my basketball in my backpack so it didn't roll all over the bus.  Seemed like an okay thing to do, but because it was too big (not the only time I've run into that problem.... heyyyooo) I couldn't zipper my bag all the way.
Anyway, I hop off the bus at my stop and start walking home through downtown LA.  While I walk, I catch a reflection of myself in a building side and all is well (I like what I see, as usual).  But oddly enough, not one minute later when I catch a glimpse of myself again (because yes, I look at myself whenever possible, it's called narcissism you should give it a try) I see that my backpack is now wide open and my basketball is nowhere to be seen.
I somehow hadn't noticed that my bag had opened and I didn't hear the ball fall out because I was rocking some serious old school Dr. Dre (or Melissa Etheridge, I don't recall) on my Ipod.  But what really irked me about the whole situation was that the streets were packed!  At the time I was walking right through a crowded farmer's market, yet somehow no one managed to see it happen or grab the ball for me.  So I retraced my steps but alas, I found nothing.  That's when I came to the conclusion that there are only three logical possibilities as to what went down...
- The kid walking right behind me wanted a basketball but was too poor to buy one, so he took it as a sign from God and accepted the gift.  In an interview following his selection in the 2017 NBA Draft, he will reference this day as the one when divine intervention introduced him to the game he loves.
- My ball somehow, defying all odds, bounced directly into the open window of a passing vehicle.  And since the driver didn't notice, he dealt with some serious confusion when he found a mysterious basketball sitting on his passenger seat upon his arrival back home in Burbank.
- It rolled from my bag, directly into the street, and upon reaching a busy intersection caused a massive 9 car pile-up (in which case.... my bad).

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Faster than a speeding...

So I saw a commercial for the brand new Sonic the Hedgehog game (as if they could top Sonic 2, what up chemical plant?) and I noticed something odd.  For some reason in their slogan they refer to our speedy blue hero as "Faster than a speeding you know what..."
But the thing is, I don't know what.  Can they not say the word bullet on television?  Does Superman have that quote copyrighted and they don't want to pay the exorbitant Kryptonian royalties?  Or even better, do they have something much filthier in mind that might not go over too well with the FCC?
Who knows?  Not me, but I am willing to venture a few guesses...

- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding pile of shit."
- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding out of control train manned only by Denzel Washington and Chris Pine who must put aside their difference in age and find a common ground if they want to live to see another day."
- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding panda murder."
- "Sonic, he's faster than a speeding, and inexplicably armed to the teeth, Delonte West (this story still cracks me up)."
- "Sonic, he's faster than the speed-dating session where your mother and I met... we've been intimately involved ever since. Now I don't want you to think I'm trying to replace your dad, because I'm not.  But I do ask that you treat me with respect while I am in this house.  Okay sport?"

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

You stay classy Cleveland

Really Cleveland?  As a sports city previously known mostly for midges, a budding young fictional star from the California Penal League, and more recently the nationally televised, city-wide heart raping you received at the hands of a young king, you were really neither here nor there on the radar of the average sports fan.  But that will all change once this story gets out.
Apparently, in a possible attempt to usurp Philadelphia's crown as the most clinically insane sports town in the world, a Browns fan took it upon himself to tackle an 8 year-old following Cleveland's late overtime loss to the Jets on Sunday.  Good thinkin' buddy, that will solve decades of impossibly impressive sports ineptitude.
Now don't get me wrong, I am all for the public and merciless beating of Jets fans, but this seems like a little much.  Next time, just wait outside the player's entrance and see if you can't strangle the tool out of Mark Sanchez.  The world will thank you for at least trying.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

A case of mistaken analogy

After the Eagles put a 59-28 thumping on the Redskins last night, star Philly wide receiver DeSean Jackson used what you might call a less than judicious comparison in a post game interview: "We were like pit bulls, ready to get out of the cage."  Descriptive?  Yes.  The right analogy for a squad led by the NFL's resident czar of dog-fighting?  Maaaaaybe not.
But to be fair to DeSean, this has always been his manner of speaking in the media, this just happens to be the first quote to gain so much publicity.  Here are a few of his lesser known quips:

- When asked what he thought of Tiger Woods's suddenly resurgent putting game: "Plain and simple, that guy can put it in any hole."

- When asked what he thought former President George W. Bush should name his new kitten: "Katrina."

- When asked what long term influence the late Kurt Cobain had on the culture of modern rock music: "He was right there at the beginning of the alternative music craze.  And he gave the world of rock what it needed, a radical change and a shock to its system.  It was like a shot to the head."

- When asked what he thought of Brett Favre and the Vikings torrid week 9 comeback: "They had a monster second half.  They came out the gates like a swollen phallus breaking free from its denim prison."

Monday, November 15, 2010

NYC's Secret Subway

So apparently New York City has been hiding from us the one and only pleasant stop amongst its expansive, multi-borough subway system.  It's hard to even venture a guess as to why, but maybe they felt it didn't fit with the motif of the other stops. After all, without a sufficient amount of rat babies or hobo urine I guess it might be hard to even consider this a legitimate NYC subway station.
Recently though, despite its complete lack of shirtless dance crews or tourist knifings, the station was opened to the public for the first time in decades, marking the first positive publicity the New York City subway system has enjoyed in... ever.
There is one negative however, as the reopening of this historic stop has displaced the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from their longtime lair.  The crime fighting, pubescent reptiles are reportedly residing in the 9th avenue men's shelter adjacent to the Port Authority, transparently disguised in trench coats and fedoras.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Phallic Humor is ALL-ENCOMPASSING

In case you were all wondering, the Shakeweight's hilarity is officially universal and unstoppable.  And if you were looking for one more person who couldn't shake this enormous, dual-weighted, robot-dong without cracking up or getting aroused (or both), here's NBA Rookie of the Year frontrunner Blake Griffin limbering up with a few good pregame tugs.


video

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Will work for mp3's

Yesterday I saw a bum to top all bums and I am compelled to share it with the world (also known as the 5 people who may read this).
Having worked in New York City for two years I thought I had seen all of the quirky vagabonds the world had to offer.  After all, who was going to top the uncommonly smug bum that refused to accept Sacajawea dollar coins?  Or who would out-weird the woman who begged alongside her shivering hairless dog and freely admitted her husband was "at home, probably watching The Price Is Right"?  And what drifter on God's green Earth could possibly out-hobo the man with a gated (chain link fenced) Harlem River waterfront bum-palace tucked neatly under a highway overpass off a Yankee Stadium parking lot (a bum-palace which I was lucky enough to see him defend from intruders with a lead pipe and an inimitable thirst for blood, I might add)?  But it happened.  The Los Angelino gutterbug I saw yesterday topped them all.  I call him simply... The Bum P3.
And it's exactly what you think it is.  He was standing on the median of the road, shamelessly panhandling while white earbuds dangled at his side... because yes, he was listening to his Ipod.  He was holding a sign too, which I couldn't exactly make out, but I imagine it read something like this:

HOMELESS AND HUNGRY 
FOR MELODIC ROCK RIFFS:
still without new linkin park
album that's been out
for 2 months
EVERY LITTLE BIT HELPS!

So congratulations Bum P3, because based solely on the sheer balls it takes to beg while rocking an Ipod, you win.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

George W. Bush is not a hater

I can't tell you how relieved I was to wake up this morning and find out that the George Bush/Kanye West feud, arguably our nation's most significant and long running conflict, has finally come to a close.  Why you ask?  Because G-money is simply not a hater.
In an interview on the Today Show, the former Commander in Chief reacted to a clip in which Kanye admits he should not have said that "George Bush doesn't care about black people" in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina.  Bush goes on to say that he forgives Mr. West, even though he doesn't think he needed to be such a dick about it (paraphrasing).  Don't worry though, the good ol' prez didn't back down completely.  He managed to refer to the rap superstar as "Conway West" twice in the interview.  Now whether that move was an elaborate mind-fuck to keep Kanye steaming mad and lying awake at night, or if it was a product of sheer stupidity remains to be seen, but either way I'm a fan.
Now all that's left to close the book on this is to issue a formal dual-apology to Mike Myers for putting that poor bastard in the blast zone of this spectacularly awkward moment, and we can finally put this dark time in our country's history behind us.  Wait... what?  Mike Myers is Canadian?  Oh, nevermind then... America doesn't care about Canadian people.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Andy Reid: Child Ogre

This gem of a clip has been all over the interwebs lately and I must say I am loving every comically over-sized second of it.
Evidently, at the spritely young age of 13, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Andy Reid was already what you'd casually refer to as a man-sized freak boy.  He towers over the other kids, most of the referees, and I think even the uprights in this Punt, Pass and Kick competition footage.  I just thank God that some amazingly wonderful person was good enough to give this tape to CBS for all the world to see.  My only wish is that they showed the punt portion of the clip in which I'm sure he punts the other children 60 yards down field before proceeding to grind their bones to make his bread.
Oh and just a hint, if you look closely at around the 0:05 mark I'm pretty sure you can see a full grown mustache poking out through the face mask.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Sound advice

I have to say, thank God I saw this before I had a kid.  Because if I am being perfectly honest, I had no idea this kind of thing was looked at so negatively. 
I guess I'm glad I know now, but it has really put a wrench in the spokes of my plan to tote my children around in designer handbags like they're Jessica Simpson's dog.  Oh well.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Is there a problem officer?

OPEN LETTER TO THE PARTY-TIME EMPORIUM:
Okay, you install this on my campus and somehow I'm the asshole when I jump in and start tossing small children to and fro (yes, I said to and fro).
How is that fair?  Simple, it's not, and this kind of injustice cannot and will not be tolerated.  Expect to hear from my lawyer regarding this blatant age discrimination.  I bid you good day sirs...

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

McRib with a Vengeance!

It's back and more enigmatically meaty then ever!  Your favorite seasonal McDonald's treat (sorry Shamrock Shake, but you fall a bit short), the McRib, is back on the menu and beckoning you to a drive-thru near you.
Yes, the phenomenon that is the McRib is hard to define in words, but I will try my damndest.
I believe that people love the McRib because it's a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in deliciously tangy BBQ sauce.  Because really, what the hell is the McRib?  Ribs are bones my friends.  But a McRib?  There are no bones about it baby.  Just a rack-of-rib-shaped, ambiguous pork concoction that frees rib lovers of the shackles placed on them by the peskiest part of eating ribs... the ribs.
Now I don't know if there is a farm somewhere on which thousands of magical, ribless pigs frolic and play as we speak, but I like to think so.  I imagine they are carefully watched over and cultivated until they reach their pinnacle of tastiness, then they are snatched up and shipped off to McDonald's restaurants worldwide to bring joy to millions.
Whatever the case, whether my theory or another is correct, there is a mystical nature to this super-sandwich.  Its origins are obscure and it only comes once a year, but it makes us all a whole lot happier.  It's not unlike Santa Clause, and let me assure you, if Santa Clause were this delicious I'd eat him too.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Shattering stereotypes

I took my first drive through Inglewood, CA earlier, and I have to say I strongly disagree with one Dr. Dre.  Because contrary to his assertion, Inglewood seemed in no way to be "up to no good."
So my hat goes off to you Inglewood, for your apparent reformation and for proving the good doctor wrong.
On another note, I wish I could say the same for you Compton.  You could stand to learn a few things from Inglewood.
Just sayin'.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Eli scores!

Get ready world, because New York Giants quarterback and resident paste eater Eli Manning (pictured here celebrating after scoring a king-size Snickers with this dope Halloween costume) is going to be a daddy!
So to all those haters out there who have continually insisted Eli is a man-child who lacks the necessary intelligence or functional sperm to procreate, it's time to eat some crow.  And since I have always been such a strong supporter of the youngest Manning, I was able to procure his list of the top five things he is most looking forward to about having a baby...

- I'll finally have someone to do macaroni art with!
- My mom won't be able to say "You're the only one around here who cries and poops their pants when they don't get their way" ever again. 
- Riding shotgun in our sweet new wheels!
- I'll have a substitute I can send to the stadium on Sunday when I want to stay home to watch my Captain Caveman DVD's.
- A baby is the perfect scapegoat for when the wife asks me who wrote "Peyton smells" on the living room wall with nail polish.

There you have it folks, Eli Manning is excited, and dare I say ready, to be a dad.  Although he did express one worry;  "What if we have a boy and he comes out wearing a Cowboys helmet?"