Monday, January 31, 2011

Willow Smith must be stopped... SERIOUSLY.

Some of you might recall back in October when I posted an article begging renaissance man Will Smith to stop pushing his 9 year old daughter on an unsuspecting and confused public that is helpless to stop her. Shockingly, it appears my message never reached him, for the child-pimpery continues unabated.
Evidently, Willow Smith will now be starring in a movie reboot of the hit Broadway musical Annie. The brainchild of Big Willy and Jay-Z (By the way, isn't it safe to say that any street cred you built up slinging rock in Brooklyn is officially lost when you co-head a production of Annie?), the new Annie promises to be a more modern, more hip and without a doubt a more thoroughly unnecessary version than any of its predecessors (and that's saying a lot, considering I have never exactly thought of any production of Annie as "necessary").
Will... I would ask again that you stop shoving your children down the world's collective throat, but I know that isn't going to happen. I would even request that you don't contribute to the recent Hollywood trend of just remaking someone else's idea since you have no original ones of your own, but it's obviously too late for that. So in the end, I guess all I'll ask, nay, beg of you, is that you don't let Willow sport the traditional Annie hair. With those ears and that do, she'll just be mistaken for Blake Griffin.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Now that, was a steaming dump on film: Part I

This will be the first of many posts devoted solely to the most horrible movies I have ever seen.  Do you see what I do for you people (I'm talking to you, 7 devoted readers)?  I force myself to watch unbelievably poorly made movies with hopes of brightening your bleak existence... you're welcome.  Just a warning though, there will be spoilers.  But if you read this, then decide you have to go watch these films for any other reason than to laugh your asses off then, well, you're an idiot and I'm glad I spoiled it for you.  Enjoy!

Today's culprit: Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day
(pretty much every single video clip here is not safe for work, sorry kids)

Now just as a short aside, let me say that I really wanted to love this movie.  The first one was a ton of fun and well made so I held out hope that the second wouldn't shine a light on what a complete fluke it was. No such luck.

- At the start, the brothers MacManus have escaped Boston authorities and exiled themselves to Ireland. Believable, considering the way the first film ended. What I didn't believe though, was that they exiled themselves to 1600's Ireland.  They're both herding sheep in wool sweaters and have grown out some serious yeti beards. They look like they were auditioning for Year One. Who the hell were they hiding their faces from? All the Boston police scouring the Irish countryside for them??
- Then, when they decide they must return stateside, they take part in a gratuitous clean-up montage that includes a shower scene full of man-ass and giving themselves shockingly stylish haircuts using what appear to be giant sheep shearing scissors. Eat your heart out SuperCuts.
- Then we meet the lovely Julie Benz, who somehow piles more shit on the film than anyone.  Julie plays the rogue Federal Agent who helps the brothers, serving as the replacement to Willem Defoe's character in the first film. Only instead of serving as his replacement she essentially serves as a spoof of every awesome thing he did. Dressing like a cowboy hooker (I'm sure all government agents have that option) and speaking with an astonishingly bad southern drawl, she treats us to quite a few verbal gems, my favorite of which is: "I am so fucking smart that I make smart people feel like they are retarded!"  Wow, I loved Julie in Dexter, but someone should've murdered her in a bath tub in this one too.
- And now we come to the big bad mob boss... Judd Nelson.  Yeah. The casting alone was bad enough, but then he plays the guy as a complete caricature who hits his cronies with a giant salami (I'm serious) and says things like: "Those sons of bitches prison fucked us!... In the ass!" Like, come on guys, if you're going to prison fuck me, at least have the decency to do it in my face or vagina.
- Then the boys meet their sidekick, the replacement for Rocco in the first film. This part goes to Romeo, played by Clifton Collins Jr., who was amazing in The Last Castle, but not so much in this. The brothers meet fair Romeo during some inexplicable organized fight club on their boat ride to America (What? The Mayflower probably had the same thing), and it is love at first sight. From then on out he serves as their lovable, strangely emotional and overly Mexican sidekick who begs the eternal question: "Who ordered the whoop ass fajita?!"

Yeah, so those are my major gripes with this epic shitbomb.  I could go on forever, but I have things to do this week, so I'll just leave you with a few more of my favorite moments of the film:

- After killing a mobster named Gorgeous George, the brothers write "Erin Go Bragh" on his dead body. Ireland would be proud.
- It's revealed that from the first movie, Willem Defoe's character's full name was Paul Maximillion Smecker... totally necessary.
- The most dangerous assassin in the film is referred to as "the little guy." Not sure exactly how tall he's supposed to be but at one point he legitimately hides behind a fire hydrant. And it works.
- At one point the brothers, Connor and Murphy, somehow manage to have a simultaneous dream (Inception?) starring their dead friends Rocco and Greenly, who strut around Boston and giving the boys motivational speeches about "men building things" (can that be right?).  It ends on center ice at the Bruins arena where Greenly shoots a puck at them and they wake up in a cold sweat.
- Oh, and in the end, Willem Defoe isn't dead. He's fishing. And living off the Catholic Church. And Julie Benz is going to have to do that too... I don't fucking know.

And there it is.  The first steaming dump on film reviewed by Crunchy Brain Doodles.  Hope you had fun.  Oh and, I hope you don't regret tattooing one of the worst sequels ever on your body kid, because there is a Godfather III ink job on my ass that I would sell my soul to get rid of.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

That IS a crazy sale!

Well, I saw this in Koreatown this morning, and I have to say it is more than a little troubling...

"Made in Korea Man Suits" for only $99.99?!  That really is crazy!  By setting the price of man suits so low the proprietor here is setting a truly dangerous precedent.  Think about it.  If we go around selling cheap man suits all willy-nilly, there's no telling how many wild animals, robots, or even aliens are snatching them up at a discount price and infiltrating our society unnoticed.
Your priest?  A robot in a made in Korea man suit recording data of your darkest sins.
Your deli guy?  A Cellulon from the planet Gorak 7 in a made in Korea man suit studying the eating habits of the human species.
Your neighborhood friendly hobo?  A great white shark in a made in Korea man suit who only asks for spare change in hopes that you'll come close enough for him to bite your face off!
So be wary citizens, keep your eyes peeled for suspicious characters who give off a not-so-human vibe.  And join me this Saturday in MacArthur park for a formal protest demanding a government sanctioned price floor on the sale of man suits!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Athletes in Film: Kareem Abdul Jabbar

You might love him for his sky hook, or his debonair taste in goggles, but I will forever have a place in my heart for Kareem Abdul Jabbar thanks to his role in the hilarious 1980 film Airplane!
Taking part in what many consider to be some of the film's best scenes, Kareem delivers a memorable deadpan (albeit not an Oscar winning) performance as Roger Murdock.
The first gem Kareem helped turn out is the unforgettable takeoff scene.  Roger.  Huh? We have clearance Clarence. Roger, Roger.  What's our vector, Victor?
And in my favorite scene, Kareem insists that little Joey has mistaken him for a famous basketball player, and that he is simply co-pilot Roger Murdock (this of course is after Captain Oveur casually asks Joey if he has ever seen a grown man naked).  Unconvinced though, Joey continues prodding Kareem:

Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.
(Kareem's getting mad
).  And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.
Roger Murdock
: (Kareem breaks character and grabs the kid by his shirt) The hell I don't! LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes! 

Friggin classic.
And while he may not have been the most talented actor ever, he did burn himself into my memory again in the '90s with his priceless blue golf sweater on The Fresh Prince (a clip that is suspiciously absent from the interwebs?). Somehow his calm, quiet demeanor always makes for a priceless scene. So let's give credit to the big man, for turning out one of the most hilarious and memorable appearances ever by an athlete in film.
Roger, Roger!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Mie scuse Italy

It's all I can say... I'm sorry.
Yes, the cast of the Jersey Shore will be heading to Italy for the fourth season of their smash hit piece of shit.  And I'm so, so sorry.
I don't know if you're aware MTV, but Americans aren't the most popular folks overseas.  So I'm not sure sending the very worst people our country has to offer to represent us is the right move.  Honestly, are J-Woww and The Situation really people we should even be admitting are American? Were Jeffrey Dahmer and Charles Manson booked?  And if not, wouldn't we legitimately better off sending them?  Cuz I'm okay with that.
In any case, get your hands on all the wine and extra virgin olive oil you can now, because I sense a trade embargo on the horizon.  And I would for sure get your fix on those all you can eat salad and breadsticks while you still can, because there is no chance Italy allows the Olive Garden's chef training school in Tuscany to remain open after this fiasco.
Again Italy, mie scuse.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Shirtless Fat Guy, ESQ.

So while I was taking advantage of DirecTV's free week of NBA League Pass, I caught an Orlando Magic broadcast on the day they were crowning the Ultimate Magic Super-fan.  It was a nice little competition in which the most devoted fans got some TV time and a chance to be voted fan of the year.  One man however, was deemed ineligible, for reasons which I assumed involved his being entirely too awesome.  This is that man...

Upon seeing this, I immediately decided I will be moving to Orlando, and retaining his services as my lawyer. 
"The Fat Guy," as he is lovingly known, was declared ineligible from the contest because it was assumed by everyone that he is obviously the ultimate fan, and has won the award too often.  He did however, serve as the master of ceremonies and presented the award wearing this.
Hats (and shirts) off to you Mr. Dennis Salvagio, you made my day.

Friday, January 21, 2011

That's all folks!

It recently occurred to me that while I have always loved them, all Looney Tunes cartoons are astonishingly messed up.  And the more I go back and watch now, the more apparent they're complete ridiculousness has become.
Now I know what you're thinking, they're a product of their times.  They were made in the middle of the 20th century so most of what I'm construing as "fucked up" just wasn't considered to be at that time.  But that's the thing, I'm not mad about it.  In fact, I wish cartoons were still that way.  Maybe then, the world wouldn't be so full of overly sensitive, overly P.C., overly whiny "insert insensitive, un-P.C. insult here."
More than anything though, I wish I were a fly on the wall in the writer's room during the creation of these cartoons, just too see where exactly they drew the line.  I like to think it would've played out a little something like this:

Head Writer- "Okay people let's do this.  I need ideas, everything you've got.  Let's just start spitballing."
Writer #1- "Racism!  Lots of it!  Like a cheese crazy Mexican mouse who lives in one small hole with his entire extended family!"
Head Writer- "Nice.  Keep 'em coming."
Writer #2- "Speech impediments!  Like, just... everyone!  I'm talkin' a pig, a cat, a bird, a duck.... Ooh!  And a giant-headed hunter who may or may not have downs syndrome!"
Head Writer- "Yes!  What else we got?"
Writer #3- "Cross dressing!  We can have the rabbit elude his enemies by dressing like a whore and seducing them!"
Head Writer- "Alright!  Little weird, but I think we can make it work."
Writer #4- "Rape!  We'll have a crazy horny French skunk who just sexually assaults everything!"
Head Writer- "Of course!  What's children's entertainment without rape overtones?  Gold!  This is gold I tell ya'!
Writer #5- "Amputees!"
Head Writer- "Woah woah!  Jesus Christ Phil what the fuck?!"
Writer #5- "I... I just... well everyone was throwing out ideas."
Head Writer- "Not like that man!  It's called tact Phil!  You know what... why don't you do us all a favor and just get the hell outta here.  Pack you things sicko.  We'll mail your final paycheck."

Annnnnd, super inappropriate scene.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Angel on the Metro

I just wanted to share this because... well because look at it, that's why.  This seemed so out of place and so odd to me in fact, that it had me genuinely wondering if at some point on my way to the subway I had actually died, and this was the train to heaven.  
Fear not though, for I am writing this blog post from work (as I should be) and not from the great beyond.  Yeah, the train just went to Hollywood, and the whole ordeal was pretty anticlimactic.  Not unlike this blog post...

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Ricky Gervais is such a meanie!

You really have to love how shaken to the core our world has been over the comments made by Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes the other night.  Did he go too far?!? No, he didn't.  Because guess what, awards shows are unwatchable.  That is unless the host actually has the balls to say something worth hearing.
Listen, I'm not saying Billy Crystal singing at the Oscars isn't amazing (it isn't), but the only reason I will ever tune in to an awards show is if I think the host my be a big enough dick to just go for it.  Ricky Gervais was, and I loved every minute of it.
The best part is, all he did was make a few slightly off-color, while completely honest cracks about some big time celebrities.  By the backlash you'd think the guy attacked cancer patients and orphans.  TMZ shits on these people every day.  Don't like being made fun of?  You get paid millions of dollars to play make-believe and have the world kiss your ass.  Deal with it.
Plus, it's not as though any of his snipes were late breaking news:

- Charlie Sheen likes hookers; Oh and also Archie likes Betty and Veronica.
- Tom Cruise is a whack job Scientologist who may or may not prefer the company of gentleman; Really?  Because I thought his insane rants declaring his love for Katie Holmes on Oprah were the musings of a guy who wasn't trying to hide something.
- The ladies of Sex & The City are getting old; At least he didn't attack the fact that the film they're in is a vacuous, soul-sucking piece of shit that I assume is THE #1 reason terrorists hate America.
- Robert Downey Jr. liked narcotics and frequented jail; Look, I'm a big fan of his, but if he considers being ribbed about his former ways "mean-spirited with sinister undertones" he probably should've thought of that before he did all those epic buttloads of drugs.
- Bruce Willis was referred to as Ashton Kutcher's dad; I'll get mad at that as soon as you can prove to me that they have never once played catch.
- Tim Allen's career has not been as illustrious as Tom Hanks' has; Ummm, wait.  You mean to tell me that the Academy Award winning performer of Forrest Gump garners more respect than Binford's own "Tool Man"?  I find that seriously hard to believe.

Honestly, every one of these jokes was HILARIOUS.  And TRUE.  Sorry Hollywood, but you did this.
Oh and one last thing, how come no one seems nearly as upset about Robert DeNiro's deported waiters joke?  Just curious (You can attack the immigrants, but leave Sherlock Holmes and Buzz Lightyear out of this you sick bastard!).

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Color me infuriated... and orange

I'm rarely shocked by anything I find on the internet today (though I am one of the few steadfast boycotters of 2 Girls 1 Cup left), but this?  This is beyond horrendous.
As everyone knows, the Mayans (and a shitty John Cusack film) predicted that the world as we know it would come to an end in 2012.  And here's to hoping they're right...

Click here if you want to feel ashamed to be a human.
If you're even a semi-decent person, you are probably feeling strongly compelled to kill yourself for being a member of a species that would let this happen.  But resist that urge, you aren't the ones who should be punished.
Here are a few bullet points from this clip that I hope will garner unimaginably terrible repercussions for every last person involved in its creation:

- "As I've always said, you're never too young too look bangin'."  --- WHAT?! I don't even know how to go about attacking that statement.  Mostly because hearing it just made me have a stroke.
- "She's going to get Snooki-fied." --- This little girl is getting a free Whore-Over.
- "You don't wanna make yourself look too orange, but you wanna look tan at the same time." --- Sound advice.  Clearly Snooki here has found the perfect balance between Spalding basketball and Garfield.
- "Then you have to put on the pink lipstick, because boys love pink..." --- And you're fucking 11.
- "Ready?  Hold your breath... for like a minute." --- That won't be an issue for you, will it Michael Phelps?

I'm done.  If we don't want the world to end in 2012 then we must appease the Gods.  And I know that we can if we manage to get the assholes at ET, Snooki and her Jersey Shore pals, and especially the parents of this little girl, gather them in a public square, and beat them all to death with sacks full of wrenches.
I'm sorry, but it's the only humane thing to do.

Friday, January 14, 2011

That is one large, furry man

Well I saw this on Sportscenter yesterday and it was clearly impossible to resist...

- The chairman of PETA saw this and his fucking head exploded.
- This is actually a photo of the little known secret character in the hit martial arts game Shaq Fu.  Meet, Shaq Fu-r (maybe the corniest joke I've ever come up with, don't judge me).
- How an African Brown Bear wound up in metropolitan Boston, I will never know.
- How many innocent wookies have to die for the sake of your fashion needs sir?
- Shaq was chilly, so quick thinking Marv Albert pulled this right off his own head and sweetly wrapped the gentle giant.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Athletes in Film: Dan Marino

Now I may be biased because I'm a Miami Dolphins fan (I feel your pain Hootie... yes Blowfish fanatics, that was an "I Only Wanna Be With You" reference), or I may just be a sharply refined connoisseur of fine comedy, but in either case I think Dan Marino's turn in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective was friggin priceless.
Playing himself and the kidnap victim of a psychotic, trannie ex-kicker (props to Ray Finkle for forever giving me a fantasy football name), Dan is the perfect straight man to Jim Carrey's tu-tu wearing, chloroform wielding, ass-talking critter gumshoe Ace.
While only appearing in a few scenes, Marino's performance is rife with curly-haired hilarity.

- While Ace fights Finkle/Einhorn, Marino begs the question: "Having a little trouble with the lady Ace?"
- Moments later, he has the pleasure of discovering that lady's lumpy little secret.  Being the first to spot the subtly tucked back, yet bulbous man-bulge hiding in her panties (sorry for even finding a picture of that).
- And finally, while driving down the highway with their heads out the window, playing a role in one of my favorite dialogue exchanges of all time :
"Hey Ace!"
"Yeah Dan?"
"You have anymore of that gum?"
"That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs."
"You're a weird guy Ace.  Weird guy."

So I commend you and your sharp thespian skills Mr. Marino.  While you may not have won a Super Bowl, let's be honest...  more people will remember this anyway.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Spies Wanted- Start Immediately!

While listening to the radio this morning I heard what I'd have to call the last commercial I ever expected to hear... ever.  After quite heartily enjoying a stimulating segment of LA's Kevin & Bean show in which Kevin and Bean praised guest Emmy Rossum for how thoroughly pleased they were with the full on boobery she displayed in the premiere of her new show Shameless (ironical?), they faded to commercial and a quiet came over the air as a striking voice begged the question: What if your job could change the fate of the nation?
Immediately, I assumed this was going to be some sappy, over-aggrandized ad for an admirable but normal job like teaching, nursing, or custodian-ing.  But then they asked: What if one meeting or operation could make our country a safer place?
Then I thought, well it would be hard to justify the thought that one parent-teacher conference could have such a vast effect.  And what do they mean by operation?  Is this a commercial to be a doctor?  And if so could any operation, no matter how difficult, really make the country safer (save for maybe removing a bomb from the skull of the President, a situation which has yet to present itself)?
Now thoroughly engrossed in this commercial, I anxiously awaited the next query.  And it came, and I swear this is true, in the form of: What if your job was so important, you couldn't tell your friends or family what you do?  Become a Clandestine Operative for the Central Intelligence Agency...
The fucking C.I.A. is putting out radio ads to recruit spies?!  I gotta say that does not make me feel good about the state of our nation's covert affairs.  I always thought if I was going to be a spy Al Pacino would find me in a bar or some shit.  I at least assumed the manner in which you became part of the world of espionage would at least be a little more, I dunno, espionagey?
Basically, I thought they find you.  Now I come to find out they run a few spots on the local morning show, likely in conjunction with several search engine optimized craigslist posts and a full pager in Parade Magazine.
For shame, C.I.A.  For shame.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Prolific Profiles in Bummery: The Ted Williams story

Seriously, can I go one friggin day without hearing how amazing the story of the bum with the golden voice is?  You know what an even better story is?  The one about the guy who used his God given gift to build a successful career, then enjoyed his successful career and life... and that's it.
Sorry if I come across as unsympathetic, but I don't think throwing your entire life away on drugs and alcohol to the point where you're forced to live on the side of the road quite deserves all of the acclaim we're giving it.  Sure, it's nice that he got clean and all, and how wonderful that he's been given boatloads of job offers, but what the hell?  Is what he did really something to be lauded?  I mean of course it's extremely difficult to kick a drug habit.  But you know what's not extremely difficult?  Not doing boatloads of drugs in the first place.  And let's not kid ourselves into believing he earned a right at a second chance.  He held up a sign (groundbreaking new strategy in the ever evolving world of pan-handlery, I know) and happened to get noticed.  Guess what, the guy outside my subway stop has a sign too, his says: "Wolf ghosts raped my kidneys."  But I don't see any news crews clamoring to clean him up.  But then, I guess he's no Ted Williams.

Oh and one more thing...
To the Cleveland Cavaliers,
For trying to fill the LeBron-less void left in your organization by arbitrarily offering Ted Williams a job... I sincerely hope he decides to take his golden bum pipes to South Beach in the offseason.

And to every other company who has thrown their hat in the Ted Williams ring in order to look good in the media,
I will, from this day forward, be genuinely praying that he takes any fat paychecks you give him and devotes them entirely to copious amounts of narcotics.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Kirk Cameron says we're all gonna be just fine

If you've heard about the flocks of lifeless birds dropping from the skies or the hoards of dead fish washing up on shores around the world and you have assumed, like the rest of us, it is the end of days... relax.  For the wise Kirk Cameron says we're going to be just fine.  And after all, who better to ask about such a mysterious and possibly biblical event than Mike Seaver?  Oh wait... what the fuck?
Now let me make this clear, I don't hold this against Kirk.  In fact, I still love Mike Seaver.  I mean who wouldn't love a cool ladies man who has a water bed and lives above his parents' garage with his best friend Boner?  Boner!  That's awesome!
Who I do hold it against however, are the morons at CNN who decided that because he is a born again Christian and he starred in a movie about the end of days, that makes Kirk Cameron's opinion relevant.
What an unthinkably retarded scenario to have Anderson Cooper asking Kirk Cameron if he thinks the world is ending. That sounds more like a question he'd pose to him if he were getting high with him and Boner in the Seaver's garage.
So while I respect Kirk Cameron's right to have an opinion (and his angelic smile), I can't respect that this is a news story because the truth is it doesn't matter.  In fact, I'd much rather hear what Candice Cameron thinks about this whole fiasco, if for no other reason than I haven't seen or heard from her since she got made for TV date-raped by Zach Morris.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Athletes in Film: Lee Trevino

Today is the start of a series of posts I'll be doing dedicated to my favorite appearances by athletes in major motion pictures.  And keep in mind these are MY favorites, so I won't be including every one that I know of, just the ones I love the most (sorry rabid fans of Gheorghe Muresan in My Giantbut he missed the cut).
And today's point of focus, professional golfer Lee Trevino in Happy Gilmore.
It's hard to believe that Lee makes only the second best cameo in this film (big ups to Bob "Badass" Barker), because his part is so subtly hilarious.  Somehow while uttering only a single line, the timeless "Grizzly Adams did have a beard," Trevino still managed to burn his performance into my memory using his mastery of the art of the disapproving head shake.  Yeah, for those of you who don't know who the great Lee Trevino is, he's that guy.  The one who continually pops up to show his dismay with that silly misfit Happy Gilmore.  It may seem like a small part, but you can bet your balls Chi Chi Rodriguez couldn't have handled that shit!... Sorry, I just really like Lee Trevino.
So props to you Mr. Trevino, you are officially a double threat, and a real contender for the "Best Athlete in a Movie" Oscar to be won in my heart.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Ozzy made me do it!

If you're ever looking for a way out of trouble, just blame Ozzy Osbourne.  At least, that's the philosophy of one Ohio man who had himself a way too merry Christmas Eve.  After being stopped by police on December 24th for erratically pinballing all over the road, the man was found to be full of substances, none of which are said to increase your ability to operate a vehicle.  But when asked why he was driving the way he was, he stated quite simply "Ozzy Osbourne and his music made me do it."
This... is... brilliant.  Had I only known that Ozzy's subliminal message-riddled songs were to blame for all of the bad things I have done in my life I would have saved myself a lot of trouble.  In any case, however late it may be, here is my list of apologies to those I have wronged:

- To my Mom and Dad, I'm sorry my friends and I drunkenly knocked over your China cabinet and smashed every piece of your beautiful wedding china that lay within... "Mama I'm Coming Home" made me do it.
- To my best friend Brian, sorry I waited for you to climb that tree, then loaded a leaf blower full of old dog shit and shot it at you... "Shot in the Dark" made me do it.
- To my childhood dog Corky, sorry we put you to sleep... "Bark at the Moon" made us do it.
- To my sister, sorry that when you were thoroughly terrified after seeing Chucky I dropped a My Buddy doll on your head from the top of the stairs... "Little Dolls" made me do it.
- To my college friends, sorry I photoshopped a picture of you girls into a World War II public service poster warning sailors against loose women with V.D. and distributed a thousand copies campus-wide... "Diary of a Madman" made me do it.
- To my brother, I'm sorry I put a plastic football helmet on your head and pushed you down the stairs in a laundry basket... "Crazy Train" made me do it.
- To my grandmothers, I am sorry in advance for if at any time you see or hear any of my material... "Hellraiser" made me do it.
- And to Ozzy Osbourne, I'm sorry I unfairly used your song catalog as a scapegoat for all of the terrible things I've done... but honestly, you and your music made me do it.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Can you read this?

So I got a public notice sent out by Aetna in the mail yesterday, and this is what is said word for word:

IMPORTANT: Can you read this letter?  If not, we can have somebody help you read it.  You may also be able to get this letter written in your language.  For free help, please call right away at

Now, I need some help here, because I can't decide if this is completely idiotic, kind of hilarious or super insulting (though I guess those who'd be insulted by it would really have no way of knowing ).  And I can't tell if this is legitimately taking a stand against illiteracy or if it's just a really cruel joke meant to make A-holes like me laugh out loud when they see it.  In any case, I would encourage all of you to call the above telephone number and start screaming frantically "I just got your letter and found out I can't reeeead!!!"
Also, I apologize to anyone that this post may have offended... that is, if you can read it.

Monday, January 3, 2011

And now God is crying...

You know why it's been raining in California for the better part of 2 weeks?  Because Little Fockers is the #1 movie in the country, and God is devastated.  Way to go America.
For those of you who don't know, Little Fockers is the third installment in the sensory raping Meet the Parents franchise starring Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro.  Two actors who, when separate, have made some truly amazing pictures, but who have recently combined forces to create a trilogy of films so awful it feels like the devil is taking a shit on your heart.  Here's the rundown for those of you lucky enough to have not yet been exposed to these Satan-dumps:

- Ben Stiller is married to Robert DeNiro's daughter, Robert DeNiro is not happy about this.
- Ben Stiller's family is full of liberal hippies, Robert DeNiro is not happy about this.
- Ben Stiller is a male nurse, Robert DeNiro is not happy about this.
- Owen Wilson is a loveable, well intentioned chap who was dumped by Robert DeNiro's daughter.  Robert DeNiro is not fucking happy about this.
- Robert DeNiro is "watching" Ben Stiller (insert pointing at eyes and frowning curmudgeonly).
- Robert DeNiro is a CIA tough guy, but he really loves his cat (ironic juxtaposition is HIIII-larious).
- Oh, and last but certainly not least, Ben Stiller's last name sounds like a particularly notorious curse word!  How deliciously naughty!

To sum up, if you spent $10 to go see this movie last week you should be focking ashamed of yourself.  And if you plan to spend $10 to go see it this week at the Regal 12 in downtown LA, let me assure you I will be waiting outside the theater to slap you across your focking face with a 15 lb. trout you focking focker.