Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Watch more reruns!

According to a recent study conducted by the University of Buffalo Research Institute on Addictions, watching television reruns can have some unexpected benefits. Now sure, you might be saying to yourself, “Shouldn’t a school that researches addictions be spending less time watching syndicated TV and more time figuring out a way to, oh I don’t know, kick a heroine habit?” but the truth is, TV might actually help you get off that pesky smack.
It turns out that watching reruns, then reflecting back on the episodes of your favorite shows, can actually help you maintain self-control and resist temptation. Who knew? Watching all those hours of Perfect Strangers might not only be hilarious (Oh that Balki, such a whacky fellow), but it might help you to resist eating so many Oreos after 11pm, or even stop you from blowing that guy for some meth!
So, in honor of this discovery of yet another reason I should stay on my couch all day, I've included some other benefits and life lessons you can take from reruns of some of my favorite TV shows of yesteryear:

"Sometimes, when I think about Shawn, my pants feel funny..."
Boy Meets World: Heed the advice of your elders
If there’s anything to be learned from this show, it’s that there is no better place to look for advice, than to your sage-like, elderly neighbor. Episode after episode, Cory Matthews, his friends, and even his parents, turned to Mr. Feeny for his invaluable lessons from the other side of the fence. So if your next-door neighbor is an old man, especially one who lives alone, you should absolutely be pestering him with all of your inane problems. Maybe he drinks a little too much, once threatened to shoot your dog, and he still calls black people “coloreds,” but trust me, that man has a wealth of wisdom that can solve even your most troubling quandaries.

ALF: Tolerance
When Alien Life Form Gordon Shumway’s space ship crash-landed in the garage of Willie Tanner’s suburban California home, did he report it to the authorities? No. Did he feel compelled to protect his family by alerting the proper organizations that an alien being had slammed into his car park? No. He did what any upstanding, tolerant American should do; he let it live with him. Sure Alf caused a ton of trouble, was constantly trying to eat the family cat, and eventually got the Tanners arrested in season four, but Willie was not about to let himself judge Alf by the color of his fur (or the fact that he fell from space). So take a lesson from Willie Tanner here, and when you find a hobo taking up residence in your garage, look not at whether he is black, white, brown or purple… just let him move in with your family.

Charles in Charge: Responsibility
Charles, a young man trying to work his way through college, could’ve bartended, he could’ve worked in the school bookstore, or at a local pizza joint, but instead he chose a venture with a bit more responsibility… raising a family. The Powell family was a busy one, dad was in the Navy, mom apparently worked enough to only appear in like five episodes, and grandpa… well I guess grandpa just didn’t give much of a shit. So when they needed help taking care of a wise-cracking young boy and two budding blonde teenage girls, they naturally turned to a twenty-year old male stranger. And to his credit, Charles accepted the daunting task of watching over Jamie, Sarah and Adam (incidentally, the two girls would grow up to be this and this), and didn’t sexually violate a single one (though he and Adam did have some tense moments). That, ladies and gentleman, is the epitome of responsibility.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

5 Reasons to watch Sunday's gold medal game

After thoroughly handling Argentina yesterday, the USA Men’s basketball team earned a shot at the gold medal against Spain on Sunday, a rematch of the 2008 finale. It’s a game that is sure to be entertaining, but if great basketball isn’t enough for you, here are five more reasons to tune in:

1. Any excuse to party early:
Starting at 3pm London time, the gold medal game will be airing in the US at 10am Eastern and 7am Pacific. Some might say that’s too early, but it seems to be as good an excuse as any to show your national pride by abusing alcohol in excess. The AM hours are generally looked at by society as an unacceptable time to start drinking, but if you never go to sleep on Saturday and just power through, you’re not an alcoholic, you’re a god-damned patriot! It’s not an endeavor for the faint of heart, but hey, this is the home of the brave.

2. Hear what it’s like when one man verbally blows another:
If you’ve been watching any of the games thus far, you know that LeBron James has had himself quite a run. He’s been filling the stat sheet in every category, an achievement certainly worthy of praise, but the praise being heaped upon him by commentator Doug Collins feels gratuitous and weird. At least once a game, during a slo-mo replay of LeBron dunking, Collins slows his speech, and almost moans the words “Faster… higher… stronger.” It’s a tone that suggests that he not only believes LeBron is the best player in the world, but that he’s also a sexy basketball cyborg sent to us from the future for our viewing pleasure. Keep it in your pants, Doug.

3. The dangerous emotional dichotomy of the Gasol brothers
If you want to see a man let out a post-dunk primal roar that harkens back to the masculinity of ancient warriors, look no further than Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau and Marc Gasol. Oh, and also, if you want to see a man let out a post-foul pathetic whine that harkens back to… well, I don’t know, being an absolute pussy, look no further than Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau and Marc Gasol. Overall, the emotional stability of the brothers Gasol is unpredictable, and perhaps dangerously unstable. So much so that if there were an event that measured bipolarity on the emotional scale, they’d take the gold, silver, and bronze. Then triumphantly scream and/or cry uncontrollably on the podium.

4. Halftime nut-punch off
You may have heard that earlier this week, France’s Nicolas Batum unleashed a brutal nut-shot toward the end of an elimination game vs. Spain. You may also remember that last week, Argentina’s Facundo Campazzo gave Carmelo Anthony a solid meat-poke after a late game three. And what, you think the Olympic committee is going to let all this sack-slapping publicity go to waste? Fat chance. During halftime of the gold medal game, Batum and Campazzo will meet in a mid-court test of testicular punchitude. They will battle until one man relents, the loser being castrated, and the winner draping his balls around his neck in triumphant victory.

5. Bask in David Stern’s uncontainable joy
NBA Commissioner David Stern has attended every single game of team USA’s 2012 run thus far. But if you miss the game, you’ll also miss the unbridled emotion of a man whose love for the game and love for his country cannot be contained. It’s truly a site to behold.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Does Snooki have a calzone in the oven?

"I can totally store breast milk in here!"
Rumors are swirling that reality star, perfume spokesperson and all-around female role model Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is pregnant with her first child... or at least the first one that was crafty enough to get past her daily banana and Plan B smoothie. So for a moment let's just ignore the implications of this somehow qualifying as national news (looking more and more like the Mayans were right), and just consider the possible repercussions of a Snooki pregnancy:

- The question of "Who is the fawtha?" makes for a ratings record-setting, 6-hour long, greatest fucking episode of "Maury" EVER.
- Next season, the gang bands together to convert the "Smush Room" into a nursery.
- When an ultrasound shows the baby is upside down in the womb, expert doctors use a baker's shovel to delicately reposition it.
- The baby makes a classic Jersey Shore entrance when it falls out on the dance floor after some guy punches Snooki in the head.
- Lil' Snooki becomes the face of a new line of Jersey Shore baby food, which includes flavors like Tequila Sunrise, Pureed Meatball, and Hangover Blocker.