Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Watch more reruns!

According to a recent study conducted by the University of Buffalo Research Institute on Addictions, watching television reruns can have some unexpected benefits. Now sure, you might be saying to yourself, “Shouldn’t a school that researches addictions be spending less time watching syndicated TV and more time figuring out a way to, oh I don’t know, kick a heroine habit?” but the truth is, TV might actually help you get off that pesky smack.
It turns out that watching reruns, then reflecting back on the episodes of your favorite shows, can actually help you maintain self-control and resist temptation. Who knew? Watching all those hours of Perfect Strangers might not only be hilarious (Oh that Balki, such a whacky fellow), but it might help you to resist eating so many Oreos after 11pm, or even stop you from blowing that guy for some meth!
So, in honor of this discovery of yet another reason I should stay on my couch all day, I've included some other benefits and life lessons you can take from reruns of some of my favorite TV shows of yesteryear:

"Sometimes, when I think about Shawn, my pants feel funny..."
Boy Meets World: Heed the advice of your elders
If there’s anything to be learned from this show, it’s that there is no better place to look for advice, than to your sage-like, elderly neighbor. Episode after episode, Cory Matthews, his friends, and even his parents, turned to Mr. Feeny for his invaluable lessons from the other side of the fence. So if your next-door neighbor is an old man, especially one who lives alone, you should absolutely be pestering him with all of your inane problems. Maybe he drinks a little too much, once threatened to shoot your dog, and he still calls black people “coloreds,” but trust me, that man has a wealth of wisdom that can solve even your most troubling quandaries.

ALF: Tolerance
When Alien Life Form Gordon Shumway’s space ship crash-landed in the garage of Willie Tanner’s suburban California home, did he report it to the authorities? No. Did he feel compelled to protect his family by alerting the proper organizations that an alien being had slammed into his car park? No. He did what any upstanding, tolerant American should do; he let it live with him. Sure Alf caused a ton of trouble, was constantly trying to eat the family cat, and eventually got the Tanners arrested in season four, but Willie was not about to let himself judge Alf by the color of his fur (or the fact that he fell from space). So take a lesson from Willie Tanner here, and when you find a hobo taking up residence in your garage, look not at whether he is black, white, brown or purple… just let him move in with your family.

Charles in Charge: Responsibility
Charles, a young man trying to work his way through college, could’ve bartended, he could’ve worked in the school bookstore, or at a local pizza joint, but instead he chose a venture with a bit more responsibility… raising a family. The Powell family was a busy one, dad was in the Navy, mom apparently worked enough to only appear in like five episodes, and grandpa… well I guess grandpa just didn’t give much of a shit. So when they needed help taking care of a wise-cracking young boy and two budding blonde teenage girls, they naturally turned to a twenty-year old male stranger. And to his credit, Charles accepted the daunting task of watching over Jamie, Sarah and Adam (incidentally, the two girls would grow up to be this and this), and didn’t sexually violate a single one (though he and Adam did have some tense moments). That, ladies and gentleman, is the epitome of responsibility.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

5 Reasons to watch Sunday's gold medal game

After thoroughly handling Argentina yesterday, the USA Men’s basketball team earned a shot at the gold medal against Spain on Sunday, a rematch of the 2008 finale. It’s a game that is sure to be entertaining, but if great basketball isn’t enough for you, here are five more reasons to tune in:

1. Any excuse to party early:
Starting at 3pm London time, the gold medal game will be airing in the US at 10am Eastern and 7am Pacific. Some might say that’s too early, but it seems to be as good an excuse as any to show your national pride by abusing alcohol in excess. The AM hours are generally looked at by society as an unacceptable time to start drinking, but if you never go to sleep on Saturday and just power through, you’re not an alcoholic, you’re a god-damned patriot! It’s not an endeavor for the faint of heart, but hey, this is the home of the brave.

2. Hear what it’s like when one man verbally blows another:
If you’ve been watching any of the games thus far, you know that LeBron James has had himself quite a run. He’s been filling the stat sheet in every category, an achievement certainly worthy of praise, but the praise being heaped upon him by commentator Doug Collins feels gratuitous and weird. At least once a game, during a slo-mo replay of LeBron dunking, Collins slows his speech, and almost moans the words “Faster… higher… stronger.” It’s a tone that suggests that he not only believes LeBron is the best player in the world, but that he’s also a sexy basketball cyborg sent to us from the future for our viewing pleasure. Keep it in your pants, Doug.

3. The dangerous emotional dichotomy of the Gasol brothers
If you want to see a man let out a post-dunk primal roar that harkens back to the masculinity of ancient warriors, look no further than Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau and Marc Gasol. Oh, and also, if you want to see a man let out a post-foul pathetic whine that harkens back to… well, I don’t know, being an absolute pussy, look no further than Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau and Marc Gasol. Overall, the emotional stability of the brothers Gasol is unpredictable, and perhaps dangerously unstable. So much so that if there were an event that measured bipolarity on the emotional scale, they’d take the gold, silver, and bronze. Then triumphantly scream and/or cry uncontrollably on the podium.

4. Halftime nut-punch off
You may have heard that earlier this week, France’s Nicolas Batum unleashed a brutal nut-shot toward the end of an elimination game vs. Spain. You may also remember that last week, Argentina’s Facundo Campazzo gave Carmelo Anthony a solid meat-poke after a late game three. And what, you think the Olympic committee is going to let all this sack-slapping publicity go to waste? Fat chance. During halftime of the gold medal game, Batum and Campazzo will meet in a mid-court test of testicular punchitude. They will battle until one man relents, the loser being castrated, and the winner draping his balls around his neck in triumphant victory.

5. Bask in David Stern’s uncontainable joy
NBA Commissioner David Stern has attended every single game of team USA’s 2012 run thus far. But if you miss the game, you’ll also miss the unbridled emotion of a man whose love for the game and love for his country cannot be contained. It’s truly a site to behold.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Does Snooki have a calzone in the oven?

"I can totally store breast milk in here!"
Rumors are swirling that reality star, perfume spokesperson and all-around female role model Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is pregnant with her first child... or at least the first one that was crafty enough to get past her daily banana and Plan B smoothie. So for a moment let's just ignore the implications of this somehow qualifying as national news (looking more and more like the Mayans were right), and just consider the possible repercussions of a Snooki pregnancy:

- The question of "Who is the fawtha?" makes for a ratings record-setting, 6-hour long, greatest fucking episode of "Maury" EVER.
- Next season, the gang bands together to convert the "Smush Room" into a nursery.
- When an ultrasound shows the baby is upside down in the womb, expert doctors use a baker's shovel to delicately reposition it.
- The baby makes a classic Jersey Shore entrance when it falls out on the dance floor after some guy punches Snooki in the head.
- Lil' Snooki becomes the face of a new line of Jersey Shore baby food, which includes flavors like Tequila Sunrise, Pureed Meatball, and Hangover Blocker.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Lord Jeter, I worship humbly at your feet

According to a recent report by the NY Post, following one-night stands, New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter refuses to let his lady-guests leave empty handed. Instead, when they climb into the car he's prearranged to whisk them away before they try staying for breakfast (that's gentlemanly in itself), they're greeted by a gift basket chock full of memorabilia signed by the future Hall of Famer.
Astounding. This man's generosity knows no bounds. Not only has he selflessly refused to be wed just so countless hoards of gorgeous women can continue to enjoy his gentle, yet robust love making, but he's offering them parting gifts as well?
It's undeniable, Derek Jeter is a saint. And yet he asks for nothing in return. But justice must must be served, so if he won't speak up, I will. And I solemnly vow to you here today, that from now until the day I die, I will vehemently argue that not only should he be a first ballot entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame, but that the maiden entry into the (yet to be constructed) Earth Hall of Fame be a bronze bust of Jeter, with three sincere words inscribed below: "Simply the best."
(You guys can't see me right now, but I'm singing "Simply the Best" and weeping openly)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Reason #5,376,981 not to have kids: Vodka soaked ass-tampons

My God, why is this a thing?

Sure, I drank like any other teenager. I found a way to get my hands on alcohol, and then I found a time and place to drink it without getting caught. And since such a large portion of my plan was devoted to not being caught, I decided that time and place wasn't 7th period Social Studies. Of course, I would've loved to have been hammered to get through class and get away with it, but it wasn't a realistic option, so I didn't do it.
But apparently, today's teenagers are a much different breed of resourceful/fucking disgusting than I was, so they've found a solution. When given the choice between getting through class sober, or pursing their anus around a vodka soaked tampon, they've elected to go with the latter. And why not? It's genius! Not only does it conceal the alcohol odor, but it gets it into your system much, much faster (Also, it makes for a hilarious play on words when the teacher calls the principal's office and says "Well, there's no sign of alcohol, but he really seems to be drunk off his ass.").
If there's one positive you can take from this though, it's the visual of a group of teenage boys staring at the one kid who struggles and chokes as he tries to suck the vodka out of a tampon. Then, waiting until he's done of course, the sideways hat-wearing, alpha-douche of the group laughs "You're such a GAYWAD dude, you do it like this -" and shoves a tampon up his own ass.
America's youth. Drink it in...

Monday, November 14, 2011

The greatest work of art ever?

About a week ago I did a stand-up show at a Mexican restaurant (because I'm famous), where rather than performing in front of a traditional backdrop like a brick wall, or a curtain, I got to perform in front of a mural so odd, so complex and so terrifyingly beautiful, that I spent the entirety of the show examining it for your benefit. Feast your eyes...

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The United States of Egregious Lawsuits

Apparently, a Michigan woman is suing the distributors of the movie Drive because she felt misled by the trailer, which had her believing the movie would feature, well... a lot more driving. Some would call this lawsuit completely unwarranted, but I say this woman is an American patriot railing against a broken system that constantly misinforms its consumers, and I applaud her. In fact, I have decided to join her on the front lines of our judicial system in launching several suits of my own:

Crunchy Brain Doodles v. Dolphin Tale
Judging purely by the name of this film, I was taken completely aback when I saw that the dolphin in question had no tail at all. Frankly, it was disgusting.

Crunchy Brain Doodles v. R.L. Stine
Mr. Stine must be held accountable for Goosebumps books #4 and #38, respectively titled "Say Cheese and Die" and "Beware, the Snowman," which both downright failed to give me even one case of goosebumps. Pathetic.

Crunchy Brain Doodles v. Ducktales
The creators of this beloved children's show displayed brazen carelessness in presenting a pile of gold coins and gems as a permeable liquid through which one can swim. Justice can only be served in the form of compensation for the severe neck and spinal trauma I sustained on a recent tour of a bank vault.