Thursday, September 22, 2011

10 Facts you know are true but won't admit

Recently, I've been pondering (i.e. making mental notes while sitting on the toilet) the many truths out there that the world refuses to admit exist. Thanks to worries about political correctness, public perception and embarrassment, people are afraid to acknowledge certain things as fact. Lucky for you though, hiding behind a laptop and writing for a miniscule audience has rendered me completely unafraid of any and all of these repercussions, so here they are, 10 facts you know are true but won't admit:

- You hate your kids for the dream killing, bank account draining, booger factories they are.

- Black people are better at Wii basketball.

- You have watched an unjustifiable amount of "The Golden Girls"... and you've loved every minute.

Thank you for being a friend...
- When you're alone in your car, you get really into those super-low, spoken word, bass parts of Boyz II Men songs.

- You've considered pushing a woman into oncoming traffic for carrying her dog in her purse.

- You cried like a baby when you watched the opening scene of "Up" (the jig is up fellas).

- You don't actually understand how the radio works.

- You hate everyone who uses the term "staycation."

- You are completely mystified by the fact that women stop menstruating when they're in the water.

- You have no fucking idea where Guam is.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Everything I know I learned from movie shows: Part II

After a long and eventful layoff that included no internet access, a narcotics sting, and a brief stay in a Taiwanese prison, Crunchy Brain Doodles is back and recovering nicely from that case of scurvy (enjoy your collective sigh of relief now, WORLD).
So now I present to you, a mere month and five days after the original post, essential life lessons you can learn through film, part II:

Everybody loves a soul-less whore.
If the person you're in love with is ashamed of you, the problem is definitely you: Yes, thanks once again to the veritable cornucopia of life lessons that is GREASE, you can quickly learn that all it takes to make someone love you is to alter every last fundamental part of who you are as a person. Oh and be sure to start smoking. 
Played to perfection by miss Olivia Newton-John, the character of Sandy found herself smack in the middle of a serious conundrum: She loved Danny Zuko, and he was into her too, but how could he possibly be expected to admit that in public with her admirable GPA and complete lack of a criminal record staring everyone in the face? So Sandy did what every teenage girl should be taught to do in this situation, forget all that horse shit about who you truly are on the inside and mold yourself into an empty replica of what he wants you to be. Susan B. Anthony would be so proud...

Your dad's death wouldn't be nearly as much of a bummer as you'd thought: Let me just start by posing this question; "What didn't GHOST DAD teach us?" That movie was chock full of important lessons, such as: 
1) Ghosts are completely visible, provided the lights are off.
2) Taking a cab at any point is taking your life in your hands.
3) Death in the family often leads to madcap hilarity.
4) The secret to the most impressive magic tricks is often the help the magician's father is giving him from beyond the grave.
5) Not even your earthly demise will change the fact that your teenage daughter is a total bitch.

If anyone can get SallieMae off your back, it's this dude.
Financial troubles are easily solved by a treasure hunt: Recently I was asked if I was beginning to worry about the ever-growing mountain of debt the federal government refers to as my student loans, and thanks to GOONIES, I was able to answer that query with a confident "hell no." 
Seeing as how I learned everything I know from the movies I watched as a child, I am fully aware that when financial issues have you backed up against a wall the smartest thing you can do is search through your attic for a treasure map, then proceed to climb down a hole with a deformed man-beast in a Superman t-shirt. Long story short, problem solved.