Thursday, September 30, 2010

Races of tracism

I agree with LeBron James, the sports world's unforgiving reaction to his not at all self-indulgent or egomaniacal two-hour televised special in which he made the not at all weasely decision to ditch his home town for the chance to play with two other superstars who could possibly help him "earn" his first championship must be an issue of racism.   What else could it be?
After all, if it weren't racism then why would the immediate reaction be comparing him to former players who didn't need to leave their respective teams to form psuedo-All-Star squads in order to win?  Names like Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson were tossed around incessantly.  Doesn't it seem a bit more than coincidental that they happen to be arguably the two greatest WHITE players ever to hit the hardwood?  How could we have ignored this?
And by the way, how long are we going to sit idly by and allow rich, white snobs like Charles Barkley to rip LeBron in the national media?  Preposterous.
It's time to take a good long look in the mirror America.  We need to ask ourselves why we have been so blind to the obvious underlying race issues in the LeBron James free agency saga.  Just like we need to ask ourselves why we aren't even ready for a fully black President.
It's 2010 people, end the hate.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I have seen the face of the Devil...

I saw this at a bus stop today and decided it is easily the creepiest movie poster I've seen around LA right now.  I don't know why but this is far more disturbing than Let Me In and even The Town (and that's got decrepit old nuns with assault rifles).
I'm not sure exactly why this owl is so disturbing but I can't help but imagine slowly opening my eyes in the morning to see it standing over me just like this, clutching a roll of duct tape and a meat cleaver in its wings and softly whispering "Time to die...."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Primate bounty hunters of the world unite!

A 200,000 Yen bounty has been placed on the infamous marauding monkeys of the resort town of Mishima, Japan.  The unruly gang of troublesome tree hoppers has been described as heavily clad in leather and sunglasses and are easily identifiable by their trademark tattoos.
Be aware though, the award applies only to those monkeys that are causing problems.  So if the authorities are called to your home for a captured monkey who waxes poetic about his unjust incarceration and cordially complies with their every demand, don't expect any extra cash coming your way.
If you can manage to detain a member of the ruffian gang banging primates though (artists rendering seen here), you can surely expect to add some of that sweet, sweet monkey money to your bank account.

Here comes the bride... at 191 MPH

Hello there blushing brides to be... Are you ready for your special day but know in you heart of hearts it just won't be what you'd always hoped without official beer sponsors, confederate flag-laden pick up trucks, fiery crashes, Michael Waltrip, Miss Sprint Cup, and this guy?
Problem solved!

Monday, September 27, 2010

Are you the D-Bag at the concert?

Having just spent the last two days at the insanely awesome Epicenter Festival I had the privilege of seeing some of my favorite bands of all time.  Aside from the kick ass music I also got to witness the other thing inherently present at all concerts... douchebags. 
I don't know if it's the venues or the sheer number of people that increase the odds of spotting a giant doucher, but whatever it is, nothing seems to bring them out of the woodwork quite like a music festival.  And after seeing so very, very many, I felt it was my duty to put together a checklist, just so you know that when you don't see the douchebag at the concert... it's probably you.

You're definitely the douchebag.......
5) if you have ever felt the need to chug half of your $10 plastic 16-ouncer of Coors Light, throw the remaining half aimlessly into the crowd and scream "Git 'er done!!!"
4) if you and the five dudes you came with have managed to remain shirtless for the entire 12 hours but never once removed your super-hipster fedoras.
3) if you have a tattoo of the band.  I hope that ayear from now the entire band is outed as child molesters and you have their big fat logo tattooed on the small of your back.
2) if you're the butthole that has my girlfriend's left shoe.
1) if you wear a white patent leather jacket with red-studded, fingerless gloves and literally none of the other bands acknowledge that you're there when they thank all of the bands for being a part of the festival.... I'm looking at you Jared Leto.
(sorry for the cheap shot but this is what happens when you sell out to a friggin' orange soda conglomerate buddy)

P.S. Gotta give props to whoever it was at KROQ 106.7 that decided to name a Los Angeles music festival Epicenter.  That just seems like we're asking for it.  Anyway, see you next year at KROQ's Broken Levees festival in New Orleans.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Friday, September 24, 2010

Movies that haunted my childhood: Part II- Who Framed Roger Rabbit

It seemed like a movie for kids, after all it was a cartoon right?  And I guess in a sense it wound up being a movie for kids'... nightmares.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit was an innovative masterpiece that mixed animation and real life in a hilarious and inventive manner that had never been accomplished to that point.  But despite all of the positives, there was one character that left an impossibly damaging blemish on my childhood.  And I think you know exactly who I'm talking about.
Look, I love Christopher Lloyd.  Back to the Future is my favorite movie trilogy of all time.  But for all the good he did as the goofy Doc Brown, it doesn't hold a candle to the havoc he wreaked on my fragile young psyche as the eternally horrifying Judge Doom.
A character hellbent on the genocide of all things cartoon... what was a live action film featuring the brutally graphic execution of Santa Clause already in the works?  Determined to erase Toon Town from the map, Judge Doom goes casually about his murderous business with the help of "the dip," a boiling, green goo that melts cartoons alive.  Wonderful.  Kids will have no problem handling that. If you tell me you didn't cry like a baby when he dips that squeaky little shoe than I will tell you you're a stronger man than I.  Because I did cry... when I watched it... yesterday.
And this is all before the death and subsequent resurrection of Judge Doom.  That's right kids, we get to watch the pale-faced, black garbed, homicidal Judge squirm and scream as he is crushed alive by a steamroller.  I'm sure that will in no way be permanently scarring. But wait, there's more!  Judge Doom isn't dead, he's a toon!  A toon who then informs Eddie Valiant that he murdered his brother.  Well, he doesn't just inform him, he screams it at him in a voice that has been scientifically linked to pissing your pants.  Tremendous.
Oh and just to wrap things up, writing this post made it necessary that I go find and watch all of these video clips.  So if you need me at any point over the next 24 hours, I'll be in the corner weeping like a bitch.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"The Event" is...

"If 24 and Lost had a baby, it would be The Event."
This is a real tagline being used to genuinely support NBC's brand new Monday night drama.  Well, if Jessica Simpson and Sloth from The Goonies had a baby, it would be the mastermind who came up with this promotional blurb.  On top of being inundated with moronic taglines, there are these constant commercials that are asking me over and over "What is the Event?"  So I've decided rather than wasting valuable years of my life actually watching the show,  I'll just venture a few guesses of my own and be done with it.
The Event is...
- The green auto movement hits the skids and the speed of global warming increases exponentially after all of the world's puppies are suddenly compelled to commit lemming-style mass suicide, exclusively by leaping out in front of hybrid vehicles.
- Ke$ha wins the Grammy for album of the year,  subsequently all that is good and pure ceases to exist.
- Jim Belushi gets another prime time show.... Wait... What?  Are you serious?! Oh shit.
- LeBron James follows his narcissistic 2010 interview "The Decision" with 2011's "The Event," in which he announces his intentions of undergoing drastic reassignment surgery and taking his talents to Madison Square Garden... to play for the New York Liberty.
- Sick of constantly giving, Oprah Winfrey steals Christmas.

There they are.  You'd be hard pressed to convince me the writers at NBC came up with anything better.  In fact, I'm hoping one of these was their idea and now they have to start from scratch.  But if you have any theories of your own, post them in the comment section below!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Bacon Wrapped Hot Dog for President

It occurred to me today that I have seen roughly 100 times more signs campaigning for the Bacon Wrapped Hot Dog to become the official hot dog of Los Angeles than I have for the 2010 race for governor of California, which will unfortunately feature a winner who isn't a highly sophisticated cyborg soldier from the future. At first I was surprised, but then I thought to myself, why should the person running the third largest and most populous state in the country be considered any more important than the remarkable and long overdue combination of two of America's favorite salted, cured meat treats?
L.A. is awesome.

p.s. Look out in 2012, the Bacon Wrapped Hot Dog could be making a run at replacing this guy.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Movies that haunted my childhood: Part I- The Little Mermaid

That's right, the fairy tale story of the beautiful and good-hearted young fishgirl who wants nothing more than to be part of the world above, and accomplishes this mostly through song and dance with her cutesy sea creature pals scared the absolute hell out of me. And why is that you ask? One word... Ursula.
Call me a little bitch if you like, but you know you were terrified of that colossal squid-lady too. She was just awful. Basically her day consists of gorging on live shrimp by the dozen and hatching evil plans with her evil eel buddies, plus she looks like what would happen if Don Vito had sex with an octopus. And was there anything more psyche-shattering for a child than the scene where she became a friggin' giant? Real necessary. Her booming voice reigns over the ocean as the mighty King Triton helplessly looks on after being reduced to some kind of shriveled up clam-person... Horrifying. Even when she's eventually defeated and you're supposed to feel better, it is arguably the most graphic and haunting death in the history of children's cinema. She is impaled through her stomach, suddenly engulfed in unexplainable lightning bolts, and as she bellows in her James Earl Jones-esque baritone she crumbles and pulls the ship down, smoking like a ruptured oil rig.
After being exposed to this charming little gem of a character I was greeted by a recurring nightmare where I waited patiently for the school bus, but when it arrived and the doors opened Ursula was behind the wheel. She snatched me up with her slimy tentacle, fucking ate me and then just laughed maniacally. Thanks for that Disney.
In the end, not even Sebastian the crab's inspired performance of "Under The Sea" could cancel out the horror inflicted on me by the rest of this movie. So I'll have to disagree with you my Jamaican crustacean friend, because everything is not better down where it's wetter... take it from me.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

T.G.I. Ghost Babies

We have all been in the situation of sitting in a gimmicky chain restaurant, looking around at the retro-motif collectibles that riddle the walls and wondering to ourselves "where the hell do they get all this crap?" Usually it is uninteresting garbage that, in the end, the restaurant probably shouldn't even waste their money on. But once in great while, something on those walls changes your life.
Not long ago I found myself at a T.G.I. Friday's in New York. I was enjoying some cold beer and shitty chicken fingers when, as if from nowhere, hidden amongst the out of state license plates, Star Wars posters and wooden snowshoes, I found this gem on the wall and I knew it must be shared with the world:
This is easily the most amusing/most terrifying piece of days gone by that I have ever encountered. One on hand, I couldn't help but be awed by the sheer amount of hair on this baby's head. Not only was it plentiful, but it was so shockingly rich and voluminous I assumed he was likely the very first spokesbaby for L'Oreal.
On the other hand, it was eerily reminiscent of the painting of Vigo the Carpathian from Ghostbusters II. Throughout the course of my meal, I had a sinking feeling that this portrait was out to steal the soul of my first born son and use his body as a vessel for James Brown's return to the world of the living.
In any case, I of course stole the painting and have hidden it somewhere which I promise, will scare the hell out of you when you find it... Sleep tight.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Youth of the Nation

Is there anything in the world more amusing than a mosh pit?
I attended a very wholesome hard rock concert last night and realized the answer is an emphatic "no." Because watching fifty kids who are all running neck and neck in the race for most awkward and unathletic virgin in their respective high schools rip their shirts off and plow into one another while their gawky limbs fly about uncontrollably and the odds that they'll have a date for the prom plummet with each pump of their defiant fists is just good, old-fashioned, quality entertainment.
At one point, a young lady who had unwittingly been sucked into the abyss of bizarre teen-rage emerged from the pit with one bare foot and a blank, bewildered look on her face and calmly asked "Have you seen my shoe?"
After scanning the vast seascape of skinny nerd-fury for a moment, I politely pointed her in the direction of a scraggly-haired, bare chested young lad who was presently dancing around a fire that had been ignited on the amphitheater lawn, howling and waving a shoe in the air like he had just used it to bludgeon Piggy from Lord of the Flies.
And people say the youth of America is poisoned...

Friday, September 17, 2010

"I'm Still Here," and so is the Swedish Fish that got stuck in my beard 6 weeks ago

So it turns out Joaquin Phoenix's rap career was a hoax, however his rat's nest hairdo and accompanying mega-hobo beard are still 2 legit 2 quit.

The Mustache Inquisition

So I was watching the 1985 film "Witness" with Harrison Ford (if you're looking for the gripping, edge of your seat excitement that can only be generated by a film focused largely on the Amish community then check it out) and I found myself wondering, what's the story with the Amish and mustaches?
Do they hate them? Are they genetically unable to grow them? Do their strong religious beliefs stand diametrically opposed to whatever it is mustaches apparently represent?
I simply do not understand. I just know that every single dude in this movie is rocking a pretty stellar chin-beard, but there is not one Tom Selleck, nor a Goose Gossage, not even a single Mr. Feeny among the bunch.
I dunno, you'd think with such a wealth of facial hair at least one of them would have the urge to venture into the uncharted territory that is the upper lip. The ball's in your court Amish.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Lady Meatdress Marilyn Gaga?

Has anyone else considered the very distinct possibility that Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson are actually the same person? All I'm saying is we haven't exactly seen Marilyn all over the place lately, and Lady Nutjob came seemingly out of nowhere. On top of that he seems like the kind of guy who would have that raw meat dress she wore to the VMA's just hanging in his closet waiting to be worn out on the town anyway.
Think about it.

Intolerance & Bigotry by the Truckload

Somewhere, the marketing team at Enriquez Materials & Quilting is collectively struggling to figure out why their company has yet to really "take off." During a leisurely drive on the tranquil 110 South today though, I got an inkling as to why.

Do you know why Sleepy's has become such a giant in the mattress industry? Well I assume it is due, at least in part, to the fact that their logo (drowsy cartoon guy) doesn't eerily resemble the most notorious symbol of hate in the history of mankind.
Just a thought.