Thursday, February 2, 2012

Does Snooki have a calzone in the oven?

"I can totally store breast milk in here!"
Rumors are swirling that reality star, perfume spokesperson and all-around female role model Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi is pregnant with her first child... or at least the first one that was crafty enough to get past her daily banana and Plan B smoothie. So for a moment let's just ignore the implications of this somehow qualifying as national news (looking more and more like the Mayans were right), and just consider the possible repercussions of a Snooki pregnancy:

- The question of "Who is the fawtha?" makes for a ratings record-setting, 6-hour long, greatest fucking episode of "Maury" EVER.
- Next season, the gang bands together to convert the "Smush Room" into a nursery.
- When an ultrasound shows the baby is upside down in the womb, expert doctors use a baker's shovel to delicately reposition it.
- The baby makes a classic Jersey Shore entrance when it falls out on the dance floor after some guy punches Snooki in the head.
- Lil' Snooki becomes the face of a new line of Jersey Shore baby food, which includes flavors like Tequila Sunrise, Pureed Meatball, and Hangover Blocker.

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