Saturday, August 11, 2012

5 Reasons to watch Sunday's gold medal game

After thoroughly handling Argentina yesterday, the USA Men’s basketball team earned a shot at the gold medal against Spain on Sunday, a rematch of the 2008 finale. It’s a game that is sure to be entertaining, but if great basketball isn’t enough for you, here are five more reasons to tune in:

1. Any excuse to party early:
Starting at 3pm London time, the gold medal game will be airing in the US at 10am Eastern and 7am Pacific. Some might say that’s too early, but it seems to be as good an excuse as any to show your national pride by abusing alcohol in excess. The AM hours are generally looked at by society as an unacceptable time to start drinking, but if you never go to sleep on Saturday and just power through, you’re not an alcoholic, you’re a god-damned patriot! It’s not an endeavor for the faint of heart, but hey, this is the home of the brave.

2. Hear what it’s like when one man verbally blows another:
If you’ve been watching any of the games thus far, you know that LeBron James has had himself quite a run. He’s been filling the stat sheet in every category, an achievement certainly worthy of praise, but the praise being heaped upon him by commentator Doug Collins feels gratuitous and weird. At least once a game, during a slo-mo replay of LeBron dunking, Collins slows his speech, and almost moans the words “Faster… higher… stronger.” It’s a tone that suggests that he not only believes LeBron is the best player in the world, but that he’s also a sexy basketball cyborg sent to us from the future for our viewing pleasure. Keep it in your pants, Doug.

3. The dangerous emotional dichotomy of the Gasol brothers
If you want to see a man let out a post-dunk primal roar that harkens back to the masculinity of ancient warriors, look no further than Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau and Marc Gasol. Oh, and also, if you want to see a man let out a post-foul pathetic whine that harkens back to… well, I don’t know, being an absolute pussy, look no further than Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau and Marc Gasol. Overall, the emotional stability of the brothers Gasol is unpredictable, and perhaps dangerously unstable. So much so that if there were an event that measured bipolarity on the emotional scale, they’d take the gold, silver, and bronze. Then triumphantly scream and/or cry uncontrollably on the podium.

4. Halftime nut-punch off
You may have heard that earlier this week, France’s Nicolas Batum unleashed a brutal nut-shot toward the end of an elimination game vs. Spain. You may also remember that last week, Argentina’s Facundo Campazzo gave Carmelo Anthony a solid meat-poke after a late game three. And what, you think the Olympic committee is going to let all this sack-slapping publicity go to waste? Fat chance. During halftime of the gold medal game, Batum and Campazzo will meet in a mid-court test of testicular punchitude. They will battle until one man relents, the loser being castrated, and the winner draping his balls around his neck in triumphant victory.

5. Bask in David Stern’s uncontainable joy
NBA Commissioner David Stern has attended every single game of team USA’s 2012 run thus far. But if you miss the game, you’ll also miss the unbridled emotion of a man whose love for the game and love for his country cannot be contained. It’s truly a site to behold.

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