After thoroughly handling Argentina yesterday, the USA Men’s
basketball team earned a shot at the gold medal against Spain on Sunday, a
rematch of the 2008 finale. It’s a game that is sure to be entertaining, but if
great basketball isn’t enough for you, here are five more reasons to tune in:
1. Any excuse to
party early:
Starting at 3pm London time, the gold medal game will be
airing in the US at 10am Eastern and 7am Pacific. Some might say that’s too
early, but it seems to be as good an excuse as any to show your national pride
by abusing alcohol in excess. The AM hours are generally looked at by society
as an unacceptable time to start drinking, but if you never go to sleep
on Saturday and just power through, you’re not an alcoholic, you’re a god-damned
patriot! It’s not an endeavor for the faint of heart, but hey, this is
the home of the brave.
2. Hear what it’s
like when one man verbally blows another:
If you’ve been watching any of the games thus far, you know
that LeBron James has had himself quite a run. He’s been filling the stat sheet
in every category, an achievement certainly worthy of praise, but the praise
being heaped upon him by commentator Doug Collins feels gratuitous and weird.
At least once a game, during a slo-mo replay of LeBron dunking, Collins slows
his speech, and almost moans the words “Faster… higher… stronger.” It’s a tone
that suggests that he not only believes LeBron is the best player in the world,
but that he’s also a sexy basketball cyborg sent to us from the future for our
viewing pleasure. Keep it in your pants, Doug.
3. The dangerous
emotional dichotomy of the Gasol brothers
If you want to see a man let out a post-dunk primal roar
that harkens back to the masculinity of ancient warriors, look no further than
Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau
and Marc
Gasol. Oh, and also, if you want to see a man let out a post-foul pathetic
whine that harkens back to… well, I don’t know, being an absolute pussy, look
no further than Spain’s tandem of brothers, Pau
and Marc
Gasol. Overall, the emotional
stability of the brothers Gasol is unpredictable, and perhaps dangerously
unstable. So much so that if there were an event that measured bipolarity on
the emotional scale, they’d take the gold, silver, and bronze. Then
triumphantly scream and/or cry uncontrollably on the podium.
4. Halftime nut-punch
off
You may have heard that earlier this week, France’s Nicolas
Batum unleashed a brutal nut-shot toward the end of an elimination game vs.
Spain. You may also remember that last week, Argentina’s Facundo
Campazzo gave Carmelo Anthony a solid meat-poke after a late game three.
And what, you think the Olympic committee is going to let all this
sack-slapping publicity go to waste? Fat chance. During halftime of the gold
medal game, Batum and Campazzo will meet in a mid-court test of testicular
punchitude. They will battle until one man relents, the loser being castrated,
and the winner draping his balls around his neck in triumphant victory.
5. Bask in David
Stern’s uncontainable joy
NBA Commissioner David Stern has attended every single game
of team USA’s 2012 run thus far. But if you miss the game, you’ll also miss the
unbridled
emotion of a man whose love
for the game and love
for his country cannot be contained. It’s truly a site to behold.
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