More Monsters Please!

When did creatures of the night become so friggin' all encompassing? When I was a kid zombies and werewolves and vampires were around, sure, but they weren't dicks about it.

Frankly, it would've been a lot better had the whole series been like this.

It seems like recently they're on every TV network and in every other movie that comes out. How about leaving some for us normals ya jerks? Must you be in everything? This is one of those Hollywood trends where you can't help but wonder "when the hell is this shit going to end?" (kind of like that trend in the late 90's where we were somehow supposed to believe Renee Zellweger was hot). Now don't get me wrong, some of these films are amazing. Zombieland was hilarious and the Blade trilogy was pretty awesome (until I found out he wasn't paying his taxes, communist), but for the most part it just seems like someone has a shitty script and an exec is like "Fuck it, throw a vampire in there? Sold."
As a writer, it's really got me down on my prospects. I can't help but imagine my first pitch meeting will go something like this:

Agent: Well, they loved your script.
Me: Oh my God really? They said that?!
Agent: They sure did. They just had one request.
Me: Great! What is it?
Agent: They'd love for you to have more monsters in it.
Me: More what?
Agent: Monsters.
Me: But there aren't any monsters in it.
Agent: Exactly. So they think it could stand to have a few more.
Me: I don't understand.
Agent: This is an easy fix kid. They'd just like you to tweak the script slightly to make it less of a satirical comedy on the state of our nation and more of a romantic comedy where a vampire and a werewolf fall in love.
Me: WHAT?!
Agent: They said they'll pay 500k.
Me: Done. (Though I haven't encountered the situation yet, I'm fully prepared to accept the likelihood that I will be a total sellout)

5 Reasons to check out the Venice Freak Show

Well, this looks inviting and not at all nightmarish...

I had the privilege recently of visiting the legendary Venice Beach Freak Show (for those of you who have been to Venice, no I am not simply referring to the boardwalk, although that super-buff black guy who walks around in a loin cloth with a fanny pack and a giant staff with a skull on top might indicate otherwise) and let me just say, it was as awesome as advertised.
So if you're ever in town, do yourself a favor and crack your piggy bank open and make your way to this $5 venue that will leave you seriously satisfied.

#5) The Dude Outside - The owner of the Freak Show also takes the role of promoter, as he stands outside for hours on end shouting into a microphone all the reasons you "have got to come inside and see this shit." Like an auctioneer of all things bizarre he rattles off all of the wacked out displays you'll see when you get inside. And if that's not enough to entice you, he offers a free preview with a live, two-headed turtle on the table next to him. Speaking of which... 
#4) Two Headed Friggin Everything - Seriously, everything. Any animal that you were unsure if it has ever had two heads, rest assured, it has. Offering examples both alive and dead (in case you were wondering how hilarious a taxidermied two-headed goat is... VERY), the Freak Show is a veritable cornucopia of all things dual-craniumed.
#3) The Mexican Wolf Boy - Yup. A wolf boy. Sure he wasn't so much a wolf as he was a dude covered head to toe in hair who stood there with his hands in his pockets and conversed with the customers quite amicably, but still. And evidently his rare disorder has him treated like royalty in Mexico (seriously) and pays him substantially to travel the world. I blog for free... Wolf Boy: 1, me: 0.
#2) The Electric Lady - Born with a body that can serve as a conductor of electricity without having that whole death side affect, she is a sight to behold. Basically hooked up like a car battery, she shows off how she can be the connector between power source and light bulb, and even how she can light a torch with her electrified tongue. It's hard to say for sure if this was, but if it isn't this girl needs to be an actress because she does an amazing job of faking the uncomfortable "there's lightning coursing through my body right now" face.
#1) The Balloon Eater - It's hard to imagine the most impressive thing about someone who hammers a giant spike up his nose and swallows swords being his balloon work, but seriously, it was. No joke, this guy blows up one of those long, thin party balloons until it's about four feet long, and he swallows it. And no, I don't mean like a sword swallower puts a sword down his throat then pulls it out (it would be a lot more impressive if they just ate it), I mean he friggin' swallows it. He pushes four feet of balloon down his esophagus and yeah, he eats it. Doesn't even pop it. And why is this the most amazing thing I saw? Because all I could think about for the rest of the day was how the hell he could do that! This guy is putting on shows roughly every 20 minutes, meaning he swallows probably 24-30 balloons a day. And I gotta tell you, I couldn't figure out any way of faking this, so my best guess is that it translates into 2-5 super colorful, latex-filled power shits a day... Hats off to you sir.

Why would the Lakers do this?!

While on the subway this weekend I overheard a conversation that sparked my imagination like few others have. It was an exchange between two middle-aged women regarding the current NBA playoffs. Weird, I know. I'll assume they had already covered what happened on Dancing with the Stars this week and how Glee just isn't as good as it used to be (Yay sexism!). But what caught me off guard was not the topic at hand, it was the serious conviction with which the one woman uttered this sentence:

"No, I don't want the Lakers to win because the last time they did they set my garbage can on fire!"

They hung this picture over her fireplace
mantel before they left too!

Now, I am fully aware that what this sounded like probably wasn't what she meant. In fact, I'd be willing to bet anything she meant some rowdy Lakers fans had gotten out of hand last year. But what I heard, was that after taking their second championship in as many years, the 2010 Lakers showed up at her house and proceeded to desecrate her property. And that made me smile.
My imagination reveled in the thoughts of Kobe gleefully egging her Saturn Vue, Pau Gasol draping toilet paper amongst her precious lemon trees, Lamar Odom lighting dog doo on her front porch, and Ron Artest (obviously) maniacally dousing her garbage can with gasoline and letting her rip. And of course, Phil Jackson sitting off to the side on a giant chair orchestrating the entire thing.
That's all. There's no great lesson here. Just that it would be HI-larious if you looked out your window after enjoying the game only to see your beloved team trashing your shit. That's funny and you know it.

Spider-Man: Turn On the Morphine Drip

The actor who tumbled thirty-five feet into the orchestra pit during a preview show of the perpetual Broadway shitstorm that has been "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark" has vowed to return to the production when it resumes in June (no word yet as to the return of the bassoon player whose head he landed on).

Note to self: Webs not nearly as reliable as Bono said they'd be.

The brave thespian in question, Christopher Tierney, refuses to let a few broken ribs, a fractured shoulder blade, three broken vertebrae or a measly little fractured skull stop him from portraying the live-action web-slinger in the U2 helmed play. And I have to admit, that's pretty admirable. But you have to wonder what will happen when he returns to the perch from which he plummeted. Assuming that the actual safety issues have been resolved, I'd say there's still a 90% chance that the residual memory of faceplanting into the woodwinds section will at the very least cause the 31 year-old stuntman to wet himself whilst swinging wildly over the audience (bring your ponchos!).
In any case, here's to hoping Christopher's return to the show is a safe one, but that the show itself remains an unstoppable disaster. Why? Because fuck U2, that's why.


P.S. "Turn Off the Dark" doesn't make any god damn sense. Hey Bono, if you want to turn off the dark maybe try not wearing sunglasses 24 hours a day... Dick.

Stoners rejoice...

... for your day, a day that will be looked on as the greatest in your storied history, the arrival of your Messiah, will soon be upon us.
It was recently discovered that pothead paradise food chain Taco Bell is in the testing phase on a taco whose shell is constructed entirely out of one giant nacho cheese Dorito.

"I'm not ashamed to admit how aroused I am right now."

I'll give you a moment to gather yourself... wipe the drool from the corner of your mouth, it's gross... better?
I don't even know what to say here except why the testing? I can tell you what the results will be: FRIGGIN' DELICIOUS. Unless there is some legitimate worry that a Dorito of this size may spontaneously combust (and even if there is, I might just be willing to take that risk), I say for the love of God unleash this miracle of modern ingenuity on the anxiously awaiting public!
Unfortunately, Taco Bell has not yet indicated if or when they will make the tacos nationally available (evidently they hate money), but it's safe to say that the day you see white guys with dreadlocks in hemp shirts flooding the streets with orange fingers and public boners is the day the Doritos Locos Taco is officially here to save us all.