Monday, April 4, 2011

Kids: Small, terrible people

Here's what I won't be going to see at the movies... Hanna. Why you ask? Because kids are awful enough when they aren't expertly trained killing machines.
After seeing ads for this film for weeks now I decided I finally had to acknowledge my gripe here. A gripe that stems from the end of the trailer when Cate Blanchett says: "Sometimes children are bad people too." Right. Sort of. Except that children are bad people all of the time.
Ask yourself honestly, is there anyone fundamentally worse than other people's children? Everyone knows at least one that makes them get that "I don't know how okay this is, but I really friggin hate that kid" feeling. He smells like pee, he never wipes his nose and I swear to Christ if he tells me one more time how much better the food is at his house I'm going to break some pretty substantial laws. I mean realistically the only reason you even "like" your own offspring is because you are biologically predisposed to. Essentially, if your DNA didn't tell you that your pants pooping, crayon eating, ruiner of any and all peaceful moments 3-year-old was lovable it's more than likely you'd look at him and just think "Wow, my kid is kind of a dick."
And after each successive trip to the grocery store I find it less and less appealing to accept having some tiny person publicly scream at me to get them Cinnamon Toast Crunch and yet I'm the jerk when I punch them in the head. No thank you.
So don't tell my girlfriend, but when she's not home I sit naked on top of the running microwave with my laptop overheating on my lap and my cell-phone rubberbanded to my balls while sucking down a two-liter of Mountain Dew, because, well... you can never be too careful.

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