The NFL just wants to play nice

In a move that makes perfect sense with the NFL at its height in popularity, commissioner Roger Goodell has decided that defensive backs really shouldn't be so mean.  Apparently too many people are getting boo boos and it's time to start fining those big bad defensive players who are doing their job too well.
An illegal hit in football?  That should be defined only as attacking an opposing player with some kind of medieval weaponry.  Otherwise... I'll allow it.
But thanks to the NFL's nagging worry that Tom Brady might sprain his hair or God forbid Wes Welker gets the scrappy knocked out of him, it's time to play nice.
So you can look forward to ESPN reincarnating their popular "Jacked Up!" segment as a brand new halftime feature on Monday Night Football called "Pushed out of bounds really efficiently!"