That's right, the fairy tale story of the beautiful and good-hearted young fishgirl who wants nothing more than to be part of the world above, and accomplishes this mostly through song and dance with her cutesy sea creature pals scared the absolute hell out of me. And why is that you ask? One word... Ursula.
Call me a little bitch if you like, but you know you were terrified of that colossal squid-lady too. She was just awful. Basically her day consists of gorging on live shrimp by the dozen and hatching evil plans with her evil eel buddies, plus she looks like what would happen if Don Vito had sex with an octopus. And was there anything more psyche-shattering for a child than the scene where she became a friggin' giant? Real necessary. Her booming voice reigns over the ocean as the mighty King Triton helplessly looks on after being reduced to some kind of shriveled up clam-person... Horrifying. Even when she's eventually defeated and you're supposed to feel better, it is arguably the most graphic and haunting death in the history of children's cinema. She is impaled through her stomach, suddenly engulfed in unexplainable lightning bolts, and as she bellows in her James Earl Jones-esque baritone she crumbles and pulls the ship down, smoking like a ruptured oil rig.
After being exposed to this charming little gem of a character I was greeted by a recurring nightmare where I waited patiently for the school bus, but when it arrived and the doors opened Ursula was behind the wheel. She snatched me up with her slimy tentacle, fucking ate me and then just laughed maniacally. Thanks for that Disney.
In the end, not even Sebastian the crab's inspired performance of "Under The Sea" could cancel out the horror inflicted on me by the rest of this movie. So I'll have to disagree with you my Jamaican crustacean friend, because everything is not better down where it's wetter... take it from me.