Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Prolific Profiles in Bummery: The Ted Williams story

Seriously, can I go one friggin day without hearing how amazing the story of the bum with the golden voice is?  You know what an even better story is?  The one about the guy who used his God given gift to build a successful career, then enjoyed his successful career and life... and that's it.
Sorry if I come across as unsympathetic, but I don't think throwing your entire life away on drugs and alcohol to the point where you're forced to live on the side of the road quite deserves all of the acclaim we're giving it.  Sure, it's nice that he got clean and all, and how wonderful that he's been given boatloads of job offers, but what the hell?  Is what he did really something to be lauded?  I mean of course it's extremely difficult to kick a drug habit.  But you know what's not extremely difficult?  Not doing boatloads of drugs in the first place.  And let's not kid ourselves into believing he earned a right at a second chance.  He held up a sign (groundbreaking new strategy in the ever evolving world of pan-handlery, I know) and happened to get noticed.  Guess what, the guy outside my subway stop has a sign too, his says: "Wolf ghosts raped my kidneys."  But I don't see any news crews clamoring to clean him up.  But then, I guess he's no Ted Williams.

Oh and one more thing...
To the Cleveland Cavaliers,
For trying to fill the LeBron-less void left in your organization by arbitrarily offering Ted Williams a job... I sincerely hope he decides to take his golden bum pipes to South Beach in the offseason.

And to every other company who has thrown their hat in the Ted Williams ring in order to look good in the media,
I will, from this day forward, be genuinely praying that he takes any fat paychecks you give him and devotes them entirely to copious amounts of narcotics.

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