Friday, January 28, 2011

Now that, was a steaming dump on film: Part I

This will be the first of many posts devoted solely to the most horrible movies I have ever seen.  Do you see what I do for you people (I'm talking to you, 7 devoted readers)?  I force myself to watch unbelievably poorly made movies with hopes of brightening your bleak existence... you're welcome.  Just a warning though, there will be spoilers.  But if you read this, then decide you have to go watch these films for any other reason than to laugh your asses off then, well, you're an idiot and I'm glad I spoiled it for you.  Enjoy!

Today's culprit: Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day
(pretty much every single video clip here is not safe for work, sorry kids)

Now just as a short aside, let me say that I really wanted to love this movie.  The first one was a ton of fun and well made so I held out hope that the second wouldn't shine a light on what a complete fluke it was. No such luck.

- At the start, the brothers MacManus have escaped Boston authorities and exiled themselves to Ireland. Believable, considering the way the first film ended. What I didn't believe though, was that they exiled themselves to 1600's Ireland.  They're both herding sheep in wool sweaters and have grown out some serious yeti beards. They look like they were auditioning for Year One. Who the hell were they hiding their faces from? All the Boston police scouring the Irish countryside for them??
- Then, when they decide they must return stateside, they take part in a gratuitous clean-up montage that includes a shower scene full of man-ass and giving themselves shockingly stylish haircuts using what appear to be giant sheep shearing scissors. Eat your heart out SuperCuts.
- Then we meet the lovely Julie Benz, who somehow piles more shit on the film than anyone.  Julie plays the rogue Federal Agent who helps the brothers, serving as the replacement to Willem Defoe's character in the first film. Only instead of serving as his replacement she essentially serves as a spoof of every awesome thing he did. Dressing like a cowboy hooker (I'm sure all government agents have that option) and speaking with an astonishingly bad southern drawl, she treats us to quite a few verbal gems, my favorite of which is: "I am so fucking smart that I make smart people feel like they are retarded!"  Wow, I loved Julie in Dexter, but someone should've murdered her in a bath tub in this one too.
- And now we come to the big bad mob boss... Judd Nelson.  Yeah. The casting alone was bad enough, but then he plays the guy as a complete caricature who hits his cronies with a giant salami (I'm serious) and says things like: "Those sons of bitches prison fucked us!... In the ass!" Like, come on guys, if you're going to prison fuck me, at least have the decency to do it in my face or vagina.
- Then the boys meet their sidekick, the replacement for Rocco in the first film. This part goes to Romeo, played by Clifton Collins Jr., who was amazing in The Last Castle, but not so much in this. The brothers meet fair Romeo during some inexplicable organized fight club on their boat ride to America (What? The Mayflower probably had the same thing), and it is love at first sight. From then on out he serves as their lovable, strangely emotional and overly Mexican sidekick who begs the eternal question: "Who ordered the whoop ass fajita?!"

Yeah, so those are my major gripes with this epic shitbomb.  I could go on forever, but I have things to do this week, so I'll just leave you with a few more of my favorite moments of the film:

- After killing a mobster named Gorgeous George, the brothers write "Erin Go Bragh" on his dead body. Ireland would be proud.
- It's revealed that from the first movie, Willem Defoe's character's full name was Paul Maximillion Smecker... totally necessary.
- The most dangerous assassin in the film is referred to as "the little guy." Not sure exactly how tall he's supposed to be but at one point he legitimately hides behind a fire hydrant. And it works.
- At one point the brothers, Connor and Murphy, somehow manage to have a simultaneous dream (Inception?) starring their dead friends Rocco and Greenly, who strut around Boston and giving the boys motivational speeches about "men building things" (can that be right?).  It ends on center ice at the Bruins arena where Greenly shoots a puck at them and they wake up in a cold sweat.
- Oh, and in the end, Willem Defoe isn't dead. He's fishing. And living off the Catholic Church. And Julie Benz is going to have to do that too... I don't fucking know.

And there it is.  The first steaming dump on film reviewed by Crunchy Brain Doodles.  Hope you had fun.  Oh and, I hope you don't regret tattooing one of the worst sequels ever on your body kid, because there is a Godfather III ink job on my ass that I would sell my soul to get rid of.

1 comment:

  1. How is anyone supposed to believe anything you say about this movie, when you obviously didn't watch it with your eyes open.

    The brothers don't kill Gorgeous George... If they had, how the fuck did he get back up and continue talking? Was he a zombie? Holy Ghost?