If you're ever looking for a way out of trouble, just blame Ozzy Osbourne. At least, that's the philosophy of one Ohio man who had himself a way too merry Christmas Eve. After being stopped by police on December 24th for erratically pinballing all over the road, the man was found to be full of substances, none of which are said to increase your ability to operate a vehicle. But when asked why he was driving the way he was, he stated quite simply "Ozzy Osbourne and his music made me do it."
This... is... brilliant. Had I only known that Ozzy's subliminal message-riddled songs were to blame for all of the bad things I have done in my life I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. In any case, however late it may be, here is my list of apologies to those I have wronged:
- To my Mom and Dad, I'm sorry my friends and I drunkenly knocked over your China cabinet and smashed every piece of your beautiful wedding china that lay within... "Mama I'm Coming Home" made me do it.
- To my best friend Brian, sorry I waited for you to climb that tree, then loaded a leaf blower full of old dog shit and shot it at you... "Shot in the Dark" made me do it.
- To my childhood dog Corky, sorry we put you to sleep... "Bark at the Moon" made us do it.
- To my sister, sorry that when you were thoroughly terrified after seeing Chucky I dropped a My Buddy doll on your head from the top of the stairs... "Little Dolls" made me do it.
- To my college friends, sorry I photoshopped a picture of you girls into a World War II public service poster warning sailors against loose women with V.D. and distributed a thousand copies campus-wide... "Diary of a Madman" made me do it.
- To my brother, I'm sorry I put a plastic football helmet on your head and pushed you down the stairs in a laundry basket... "Crazy Train" made me do it.
- To my grandmothers, I am sorry in advance for if at any time you see or hear any of my material... "Hellraiser" made me do it.
- And to Ozzy Osbourne, I'm sorry I unfairly used your song catalog as a scapegoat for all of the terrible things I've done... but honestly, you and your music made me do it.