Wednesday, March 9, 2011

We won't let you kill the credibility of Warlocks

Not to dwell on this Charlie Sheen madness (he's been Sheening HARD for a solid two and a half weeks now, I assume without water, that's gotta be some kind of record), but once again a revelation has emerged that was impossible to let go.
In a recent rant that included Sheen finally admitting he has "Adonis DNA and tiger blood" and fessing up to the fact that he is a "bitchin' rock star from Mars," (which I had always been suspicious of anyway) he also casually dropped the truth bomb that he is indeed a Warlock.
What he failed to see with his "highly evolved brain" though, was the backlash this statement would cause from one very prominent and highly regarded group... the Warlocks.
First of all, Charlie can't even fly through space.
Yes, the actual Wicken community headquartered in Salem, Massachusetts (might wanna consider a relocation, I heard some pretty rough shit went down for you people there a while back) is up in arms about Mr. Sheen's casual decree that he is one of their own. A spokesman for the slighted Warlock community cited that Sheen's comments were "a blatant offense against our ways and our teachings" and that while Charlie is a crack addled nut job (liberal paraphrasing), Warlocks are "peaceful and enlightened" and "have the ability to communicate with the dead and learn from it."
Simply astounding. Each successive news story born of this mess is somehow even more insane than the last. Charlie Sheen vs. the Warlocks? This sounds like the drunkest MadLib I've ever done. And I don't care how sick of it you people are, I am still sitting back and loving it with all my heart. While also trying to wrap my head around just how batshit crazy you have to be for a Warlock to be like "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't lump us in with this psycho."
In any case, I have a feeling this will all be resolved very soon. Because if Warlocks really do have the ability to communicate with the dead, something tells me they'll be able to pencil Charlie in for an exclusive interview in the very near future.

No comments:

Post a Comment