Post-Oscar Grades

Well the Oscars aired last night, and hopefully, unlike me, you didn't waste a brutal 3 hour period of your life watching them just for the sake of comedy. Because I have to say, not worth it. I mean the Oscars are pretty consistently boring and horrible television, but they may have set the new high watermark this year. At one point it became so dreadfully slow that Jude Law's hair actively began retreating.
Anyway, in case you missed it I'll sum up the 2011 Oscars for you with my easy to read (even for my readers) post Oscars report card:

I see no reason why this is going to blow.

James Franco: The dashing young co-host seemed out of place and looked about as comfortable as he did when he was stuck in that cave for 127 hours (not to mention it was pretty clear he'd have been willing to cut his own arm off to get the hell out of there). While I do respect that he read his lines off the teleprompter like he was really high, but not too high to function, I gotta say, he was pretty much awful..... he gets an F.

Anne Hathaway: The young, hip co-host made the point of interjecting forced quips about the young, hip new Oscars the entire night. Refusing to let the fact that no one laughed, deter her from rehashing them incessantly (that's the mark of good comedy). She also seemed unaware of the fact that she was mic'd as she cackled like a maniac at her own jokes, likely causing brain damage in the people working audio behind the scenes. I did however, enjoy when she closed the show by WOOOOING like a drunk Spring breaker and high fiving the Staten Island choir kids (What? Yes that did happen) so hard I assume she shattered all of the bones in their tiny little hands.... she gets a solid D minus.

Kirk Douglas: Um, first of all, props for still being alive. That's a solid chunk of points right there. Second of all, you know the show was rough when a man born in 1916 provides, by far, the best comedic moment of the night. It's hard to say whether it was when he basically said he had a boner for Anne Hathaway, when he fought over his cane with the dude on the stage, or when he made all the supporting actress nominees squirm as he prolonged the announcement of the winner as long as he could, but it was definitely one of them. In any case, if this year is any indication of where the Oscars are headed, I say we let them die when he does.... but for Kirk, it's an exemplary A plus.

Melissa Leo: The best supporting actress winner takes the MVP award for 2011 thanks to her dropping of the F-bomb being the only moment of the show that wasn't poorly scripted and awkwardly executed. I only hoped Christian Bale would insist on out cursing her with his swarthy ginger pirate beard, but alas it was not to be. As for Melissa though, the only slip up that kept her from getting a perfect grade was when she humorously tried to show how blown away she was by walking off stage with the help of Kirk Douglas's cane. Which would have been a lot more cutesy if not for the look of terror on Mr. Douglas's face that screamed "Yeah haha we get it, but I seriously need that thing, you have no idea how much it hurts to walk!"... she gets an F 'in A minus.

Overall: Just a big fat, veiny F.  An almost impressively terrible experience that somehow managed to retroactively ruin my entire weekend. Oh and by the way, thanks for the lack of sleep I'm sure to endure for the next month or so, as your weird Zombie Bob Hope will undoubtedly be haunting my dreams.

LOST: Any doubt I had that this is the funniest man on the planet

So you may remember a post I put up a few months ago regarding Charlie Sheen's desire to have "going insane" henceforth referred to as "Charlie Sheening." Well, my favorite actor is back in the news and he is, how should I put it... Charlie Sheening like a mother fucker.
In an amazingly awesome twist of events, just days after news broke that he'd return to work and production of Two and a Half Men would resume, he Sheened so hard he managed to shut the entire billion dollar show down. Maybe for good. The efficiency of this man's maniacal rants are simply astounding. Here are some of the finer bullet points from his radio interview:

"I was told if I went on the attack, they would cancel the show... so I'm just sort of seeing if they're telling the truth or not." -- Genius. He sets it up like a kid who was told he'd be spanked if he used his crayons to write on the walls. Then proceeds to write on the wall anyway... with poop.

"Watch your ratings, dudes. Watch your stupid ratings. Do what you've gotta do -- I'll go make movies with superstars and not work with idiots." -- You have to love the complete dismissal of everyone he works with. And the assumption that superstars are dying to work with him. Only when you enjoy complete disregard for anyone but yourself and soak in delusions of your own grandeur, are you truly free. I believe Jesus said that.

He called the creator of the show a "turd" and claims he embarrassed him "by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process." -- The obvious next move was to make a scatological insult then refer to himself as some sort of super-human. He had to do it.

Then he shares his feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous, including calling them "the 'Church of the Martian Idiots'," and saying "They suffocated my soul, they hijacked my brain, they brainwashed my friends and my family. Now I hate them violently and I will use every soldier in my army to defend myself against them and all their other freakin' loser clowns." -- Yes. Attack those who've done nothing but try to help you. That is how you Sheen like a pro.

Then when asked what he'll do about work when it resumes, he drops a golden nugget: "I'll be early. I don't sleep - I wait." -- BAM! Game, set, match. Even though I'm pretty sure he stole that from a Chuck Norris Facts website, I'll allow it.

Plain and simple people, we should all bow to this man. For he has Sheened liked no man before him has ever Sheened. And likely no man after him (when he inevitably Sheens himself to death) ever will. Plus he has given juvenile comedy writer like me an unbelievable wealth of material.
Charlie Sheen... I love you.

We'll drink till we're all firshnickin!

From the good people that brought us circumcision, Mel Brooks, and delis that can sell the hell out a tongue sandwich comes a brand new (and kosher, obviously) libation sure to the party started:

Drink Juquila...

It's like a bar mitzvah in a bottle!

How not to get pirated

Not to seem insensitive in the wake of yet another violent ocean hijacking, but ummm... what the hell is wrong with you people?!
I have somehow managed to go my entire life without being pirated, and honestly it's been pretty easy. I also know quite a few boat owners (yes it's true, I'm poor, but vaguely acquainted with the well-off), none of whom have been beaten, nor bloodied, nor pillaged, nor plundered by sea-ruffians. And do you know why that is? It's because when they take a vacation they don't gas up and head for the horn of Africa.
Honestly, it's like flying your plane exclusively over missile testing sites, or driving your Mercedes through Compton with a KKK sticker in the window. It's not prudent, and I'd advise against it.

Maybe don't ignore these buoys...

I don't know if it makes me callous but I just find it hard to feel bad for people who sail their yachts into the pirate capital of the known universe and are subsequently killed by, get ready for a shock... pirates (or a tick-tocking crocodile for that matter). Thanks, but I'll reserve my sympathy for people who lose their lives doing something a bit more noble, like saving a baby from a burning building, or serving their country, or even the guy who gets hit by a bus while delivering Domino's on his bicycle at 2am (and he never makes CNN).
Anyway, until tomorrow, stay safe, and don't go gettin' yourselves pirated.

Listen here if you hate your ears

Finally, Jillian Barberie Reynolds has released her first single! What the hell took so long??
Some of you might remember Jillian from her time as weather girl on the Fox NFL Pregame broadcasts (because they totally needed that), or you might know her from her current gig on Good Day LA. But most of you are probably really confused and have no idea who she is. And there is a good reason for that... she's not that famous.
She refused however, to allow her lack of fame to stop her from doing the most self-indulgent thing a pseudo-celeb can do, unleashing a horrible song upon the world:

Click here for Jillian Barberie Reynolds' New Song

Why?! I honestly don't even know what to say about this. I mean, if you want do this in your basement for kicks then go for it. But for God's sake don't share it with us. We've done nothing to deserve such atrocities.
Just look at the misery-twisted faces of her coanchors as they listen. They are trying so hard to feign enjoyment (which should be easy on the standard morning host wake up cocktail of coffee, cocaine and speed) but they simply can't. This is exactly like when you show your first drawing to your parents and they do their best to force a smile, but on the inside they're crying and wondering if they should have you tested.

And what is it even about?! She just rattles off a bunch of places in LA. It's like the over-privileged white lady remix of California Love. This song actually made me despise myself for living within the city limits.
Thanks a lot Jillian, now I have to move.

Oh and P.S. Name dropping your "homeboy Warren G down in the LBC"... really? I'm sure Mr. G would be spinning in his grave if he knew you dropped that line. Wait... what? Warren G isn't dead? Well what the hell has he been doing??  Because someone here definitely needs to regulate.

We don't want any trouble here

On Friday night of this past All-Star Weekend, troubled actress Lindsay Lohan was officially deemed too dangerous for the NBA. Yes, the young star was turned away from Pau Gasol's party because she was simply "too much trouble." Really? It's pretty bad ass when you are considered too much trouble for the NBA.
Just to make my point, let's go over a few of the names that would not likely have been turned away:

Gilbert Arenas- Locker room gun wielder and noted shark owner
Chris Andersen- Once suspended 2 years for drug use and also guilty of looking like this
Dennis Rodman- Future hall of famer who despite many other transgressions, will always be most dangerous thanks to his participation in the making of this film
Joakim Noah- He's this guy
Ron Artest- You simply never know, and since I don't have nearly enough time to list all of the possibilities here, let's just point out that he has spent literally his entire life being Ron Artest

So take pride Ms. Lohan, you are officially considered more volatile than every one of these men; Which by logic makes you the most dangerous person on the planet.
Then again though, maybe none of these people would have been allowed in. In fact now that I think about it, it's fairly likely that Pau Gasol's party was just a front for a meeting of Euro-NBA'ers only, in which they exchanged information on the delicate art of flopping and screaming like you've just been shot in the chest.
Save it for soccer ya jerks.

Armageddon my dear Watson

A: This will be considered the first major step in the end of all humanity.
Q: What is, this God damned computer.

Listen, I know this is like my third "psycho babble against artificial intelligence" post in like a month, but what the hell? Maybe if someone would listen I wouldn't have to keep writing them.
This week on Jeopardy IBM's super computer Watson did what everyone assumed it would, it demolished its human competition. What's that you say? It's a bit foreboding? Why yes, yes it is.
I have to ask, why on earth did we need to see this thing on Jeopardy? "Oooh, I've got a great idea. Let's prove once and for all that a well-made machine is superior to man in every way!" Oh yeah, totally necessary, and I'm sure nothing negative could come from it.
And by the way, Alex Trebek, if you're reading this, I want you to know I am very disappointed in you for pandering to a fucking computer. Why not just kneel before it and profess your loyal servitude next time? Come on Trebek, you're better than that.
Anyway, I want to find all of the people who decided this little gimmick needed to happen, on both the IBM side and the Jeopardy side, and drop them into an active volcano. It needs to happen.
And seriously, who are the dicks that insist on building these super sophisticated computers and robots? Have they not seen The Matrix? The Terminator? I, Robot? Eagle Eye (to be fair, they probably haven't seen Eagle Eye)? Honestly, what is their motivation? "Well gee, nothing will show everyone how smart I am more than if I create something so intelligent it destroys us all."
Knock it off! Nerds. Seriously. Stop it. Stop. Bad nerds!

There's a valet conspiracy afoot

While out for a late Valentine's Day dinner last night, I noticed something odd about the ticket the valet handed me. The front was completely normal, showing the company's name and contact information, as well as liability rules and a stub number. The back however, seemed a bit odd...

I'm sorry, what?

Has this company been running into this situation often enough to warrant laying it out for us like that? I find it hard to imagine that anyone whose vehicle was valet parked during an earthquake decided to pin the whole mess on them; "Well, what the hell am I paying you six dollars for if I'm not covered when my car falls into a massive chasm that opens in the earth's surface?!"

Seeing as how that seems pretty unlikely (though people have sued McDonald's for serving hot coffee), it got me wondering, why exactly would a company be so compelled to put this out there? It seems suspicious really. It's like the little kid who says "I didn't do it" before anyone even asks. 

What if that's what this is? What if in an effort to free themselves from responsibility this company has done the exact opposite, and given the initial clue in an investigation that will eventually reveal the valet industry has actually been responsible for each and every natural disaster of the last 100 years? 

I don't know why. And I don't know how. All I know is I have never trusted valets, and I'm going with my gut on this one.

Bad Candy!

In honor of Valentine's Day I purchased some candy hearts for my girlfriend, but when I opened the bag I was quite disturbed to find the candy had some very different messages than the ones I was used to...

Rise of the Machines

Heed this warning: Facebook is SkyNet. And it will be the end of us all...
Now, before you dismiss this as the lunatic ravings of a madman, let me clear one thing up, I use facebook every day. This is not me hating on facebook. This is simply me seeing it for what it is and trying to warn humanity (It's not like I'm gonna stop using it, how else am I supposed to invite friends to events? Call them? Fat chance).
The first troubling sign that caught my eye was when I realized that any time I used the word facebook on my Google-run blog, it was marked by spellcheck as incorrect. But no, not because Google doesn't recognize facebook as a proper English word, but simply because I wasn't capitalizing it. The word facebook on facebook's logo isn't even capitalized! So why on earth would Google demand that I use a capital F when addressing the almighty facebook? Could it be because they are in cahoots and Google has recognized the eventuality of facebook reigning supreme as our irrepressible overlord? You know what other word you're always supposed to capitalize? God. Coincidence? Hardly seems so.
Now think about a few of the programs the "new facebook" (that's right, I still REFUSE to capitalize it, consider it my John Connor-like act of defiance) wants you to use --

Freind Finder: Ominous much? Let facebook locate people you know. After all, we'll find them eventually.

Auto-Tagger: That's right, facebook is freely admitting it can recognize familiar people in your pictures and mark them. Mark them for what you ask? Elimination.


Get Connected: Who's not on facebook? INVITE THEM NOW. That is, verbatim, what the program requests you do. Sure I added the all-caps for effect but you get the point. The facebook will not rest until all humans are accounted for in its comprehensive database.


Mark my words people, Judgement Day is near. And soon enough, when you and your loved ones are put to work in the oil fields of a nightmarish, real-life Farmville, you'll wish you took my premonition a bit more seriously.
And for those of you who believe, for those of you who are truly listening to this message... you are The Resistance.

Sticky shoes

So, months after a friend posted this on facebook, I feel it's finally time to address the Gravity Defyer shoes. Are you as blown away by the shock absorbing trampoline heel as I am? Or the sleek breathable mesh? Or are your eyes focused on one thing and one thing only? Yeah, that's what I thought, cuz that's a sperm on the side of the shoe.
And why not? Obviously, when deciding how to market their product the good folks at Gravity Defyer noticed the strange lack of bodily fluids used as company logos, and decided to rectify the issue.
But I couldn't help but wonder, what slogan should accompany their "slick seed of life"?

- Gravity Defyers: They're jizz-tastic

- Gravity Defyers: Your feet will be swimming in comfort

- Gravity Defyers: They'll get all up in ya!

- Gravity Defyers: Just do it... unprotected

- Gravity Defyers: Fertilize the ovum of life

Any suggestions?

Athletes in Film: Cam Neely

It's hard to know where to even start with this one, because it is so very close to my heart. To me, Cam Neely is so much more than a Hall of Fame hockey player. To me, he's even more than the founder of an invaluable philanthropic venture that gives families affected by pediatric cancer a place to stay. To me, he is quite simply, Sea Bass.

In what is probably my favorite comedic film of all time, Dumb and Dumber (We landed on the moon!), Cam Neely played an essential role in some of the films most hilarious scenes. We are introduced to him after he is hit by a seasoning projectile, and he poignantly quips: "Who's the dead man who hit me with the salt shaker?!" Then, like any gentleman who had been so dishonored would likely do, proceeded to hock a giant loogie on Jeff Daniels' hamburger.
But the real reason I consider Cam's performance so daring and memorable, is the scene where he reencounters Harry and Lloyd further on down the road. After having been tricked into picking up their tab (I'll call you a liar if you don't admit you've considered trying this at some point), Mr. Bass serendipitously happens upon the fellas at a gas station. Not just any gas station though, the exact gas station in fact, in which Mr. Bass had scrawled a message regarding an intimate rendezvous on the wall.  And what ensues? Comedic genius.
You really must admire Cam for this scene. After all, not every famous athlete would be comfortable enough with his own masculinity to pretend he was about to joyously mouth molest Jim Carrey.
So my hat, or perhaps more fitting it be your hat, goes of to you Mr. Neely. Because when it comes to athletes in films, you are truly a massive gas station rapist of a man among boys.

Say it ain't Sumo

Your days of looking admiringly upon the grace and purity of Sumo wrestling are officially over. Why, you ask? Because the fat fix is in.
News surfaced recently that three prominent wrestlers admitted to match fixing, with no telling how many more were involved. The case was cracked when text messages in which fighters pre-arranged the outcomes of their matches surfaced. One such message read as follows:

Tqakje mwe oiut iobn tuhre 2mnd reounfd. LKOPL.

Of course, once that dubious message was deciphered by an expert fat-finger translator, its words rocked the very foundation of the sumo world:

Take me out in the 2nd round. LOL.

Shocking, indeed.

This scandal is only one of several that have tarnished the great Japanese tradition of late, adding fuel to the already burning fire caused by the underwear stuffing fiasco and the illegal weight-gainer ring (executed masterfully with the smuggling of hyper-creatine in booby-folds). Not to mention reopening the wounds of past match-fixing allegations (1990's WWF fans will recall the public outrage at the revelation that the outcome of star Yokozuna's matches were actually predetermined).

As a fan, all I can say is that I am simply disappointed. You hold these men up (not literally, that's just asking for a massive spinal injury) in such high regard, only to be let down over and over again. I for one, am through. I can't deal with any more corruption in what is supposed to be an honorable sport. I have taken the poster of Chiyotaikai down from over my bed, and have offered up my official replica Takohana diaper to the local Salvation Army. 

It is indeed, a sad day in Sumo.

Evil Pets

So I was watching TV this morning and that commercial for the SPCA came on. You know, the one where Sarah McLachlan depresses the living hell out of you and ruins your week with pictures of the saddest looking animals you have ever seen? Yeah, it's a good one.
Anyway, I thought I saw something flash on the screen so I paused it and played the commercial back in slow motion. Turns out these animals aren't just innocent victims after all. Apparently the law states that these commercials can't legally air without informing the viewers of what the pets did to land themselves in lockup, so in order to fulfill their legal obligation the SPCA just flashes it on the screen super fast. You'll never guess what I found...

At long last, my ass is no longer my mortal enemy!

How long have you been waiting for a cure for the ailment that has affected your daily life so deeply and constantly that it has shattered your very being? How many interviews were ruined by incessantly shifting about in your seat? How many pairs of underwear were torn asunder from perpetual scratching? How many creams and ointments that promised relief brought nothing but more pain and anguish?

Well, fret no more my itchy-assed friends, the days of the smelly fingers are over at last!

You're welcome.

The best kind of air-mail

Drug smugglers will do anything to get their product into the U.S. And they always will. As long as we share a border with Mexico (and I don't think sawing America off below San Diego is an option) drug runners will find a way to conduct their business. Each and every time one method is brought to light by the authorities, a new method is concocted. There have even been instances of intricate tunnel systems which are fully equipped with lights and large enough for cars to drive through (Yeah, apparently that wasn't just made up for Fast & Furious... shut up, you saw it too). But compared to this latest idea, those inordinate tunnels that likely took decades to secretly construct were child's play...
I give you, the weed catapult.



Yup. That's it. They finally said "Well they catch us every other way, let's just fucking throw it."
Be honest, you have to admire the genius in the simplicity of this idea, and the reactions it's caused (though I'm sure ABC's morning hosts wouldn't be laughing it off on television if they were flinging bricks of heroine, and they probably are). I bet right now stoners all across Arizona are sitting in their mom's living rooms praying one gets away and they suddenly hear the pitter patter of a substantial brick of marijuana arriving on the roof.
You have to wonder though, is this a slippery slope? With this modern medieval technology, how long before hopeful immigrants begin simplifying their journey into the U.S. by launching themselves skyward? I say not long at all. I also say automatic citizenship for anyone who survives, because that is AWESOME.

Pure. Marketing. Genius.

"So I have this idea, I'm going to open a mattress store and offer discount prices lower than any other retailer in town..."
"That's a great idea man, seems like a real money maker."
"My only problem though, is I need to come up with a logo appealing enough that it will stay with people and make them want to come check out the store."
"How about an unforgettably terrifying cartoon rendering of you as a nightmarish, bloodthirsty ventriloquist dummy?"
"PERFECT!"

 One year later...

I passed this billboard today, and after recovering from the initial shock of almost crashing my car, and then dabbing up the sprinkle of pee that had escaped my loins, I had to stop and think... What the shit went on in this marketing meeting?!

I mean I've heard the idea of making your ads as memorable as possible, but this seems to do that while casually brushing off the fact that I am unlikely to purchase my mattress from a murderous puppet who will undoubtedly take my peaceful slumber as an opportunity to strangle the life out of me.

That's all I want to say. I'm afraid if I expand on it any further I'll be dealing with some serious night terrors.

This is snow way to treat a friend...

Being originally from New York, my Facebook is naturally filled with friends and family from back home, and evidently they are getting a little sick of the constant snowdumps Old Man Winter has unloaded on them this year.  As I logged on early this morning, I noticed roughly 93.56% of my newsfeed was filled with angry snow haters airing their grievances with Mother Nature (can you believe she's still not on Facebook?), and to be honest, it made me feel a little homesick.
So, in hopes of rekindling my connection with the great state of New York, and really just trying not to be the only person on Facebook who wasn't bitching about winter (let's face it, I'm a blind conformist), I put up a funny little message. Did I assume people would chuckle at the irony of my status being that I'm in California? Sure. But did I have even an inkling of the vicious digital attack that was about to be unleashed upon me? No sir, no I did not...

I must say people, winter (and I assume old age), has turned you bitter and ugly. Is snow really that bad? Soft, white flakes floating down to earth, covering all the surface with a peaceful, pillowy blanket of fluff... wahhh, wahh, wahh.

You think life in California is so easy? I have tough days out here too. Why just this morning, I was stopped dead in my tracks by the sight of a hummingbird feeding on the vibrant flowers of a sprawling, dewy garden. It was the most astonishingly tranquil sight I ever laid eyes on, and I wept openly for the next ten minutes.

You try starting your day with that kind of emotional awakening. Yeah, that's what I thought... go finish shoveling your driveways.