Friday, February 25, 2011

LOST: Any doubt I had that this is the funniest man on the planet

So you may remember a post I put up a few months ago regarding Charlie Sheen's desire to have "going insane" henceforth referred to as "Charlie Sheening." Well, my favorite actor is back in the news and he is, how should I put it... Charlie Sheening like a mother fucker.
In an amazingly awesome twist of events, just days after news broke that he'd return to work and production of Two and a Half Men would resume, he Sheened so hard he managed to shut the entire billion dollar show down. Maybe for good. The efficiency of this man's maniacal rants are simply astounding. Here are some of the finer bullet points from his radio interview:

"I was told if I went on the attack, they would cancel the show... so I'm just sort of seeing if they're telling the truth or not." -- Genius. He sets it up like a kid who was told he'd be spanked if he used his crayons to write on the walls. Then proceeds to write on the wall anyway... with poop.

"Watch your ratings, dudes. Watch your stupid ratings. Do what you've gotta do -- I'll go make movies with superstars and not work with idiots." -- You have to love the complete dismissal of everyone he works with. And the assumption that superstars are dying to work with him. Only when you enjoy complete disregard for anyone but yourself and soak in delusions of your own grandeur, are you truly free. I believe Jesus said that.

He called the creator of the show a "turd" and claims he embarrassed him "by healing at a pace that his un-evolved mind cannot process." -- The obvious next move was to make a scatological insult then refer to himself as some sort of super-human. He had to do it.

Then he shares his feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous, including calling them "the 'Church of the Martian Idiots'," and saying "They suffocated my soul, they hijacked my brain, they brainwashed my friends and my family. Now I hate them violently and I will use every soldier in my army to defend myself against them and all their other freakin' loser clowns." -- Yes. Attack those who've done nothing but try to help you. That is how you Sheen like a pro.

Then when asked what he'll do about work when it resumes, he drops a golden nugget: "I'll be early. I don't sleep - I wait." -- BAM! Game, set, match. Even though I'm pretty sure he stole that from a Chuck Norris Facts website, I'll allow it.

Plain and simple people, we should all bow to this man. For he has Sheened liked no man before him has ever Sheened. And likely no man after him (when he inevitably Sheens himself to death) ever will. Plus he has given juvenile comedy writer like me an unbelievable wealth of material.
Charlie Sheen... I love you.

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