Post-Oscar Grades

Well the Oscars aired last night, and hopefully, unlike me, you didn't waste a brutal 3 hour period of your life watching them just for the sake of comedy. Because I have to say, not worth it. I mean the Oscars are pretty consistently boring and horrible television, but they may have set the new high watermark this year. At one point it became so dreadfully slow that Jude Law's hair actively began retreating.
Anyway, in case you missed it I'll sum up the 2011 Oscars for you with my easy to read (even for my readers) post Oscars report card:

I see no reason why this is going to blow.

James Franco: The dashing young co-host seemed out of place and looked about as comfortable as he did when he was stuck in that cave for 127 hours (not to mention it was pretty clear he'd have been willing to cut his own arm off to get the hell out of there). While I do respect that he read his lines off the teleprompter like he was really high, but not too high to function, I gotta say, he was pretty much awful..... he gets an F.

Anne Hathaway: The young, hip co-host made the point of interjecting forced quips about the young, hip new Oscars the entire night. Refusing to let the fact that no one laughed, deter her from rehashing them incessantly (that's the mark of good comedy). She also seemed unaware of the fact that she was mic'd as she cackled like a maniac at her own jokes, likely causing brain damage in the people working audio behind the scenes. I did however, enjoy when she closed the show by WOOOOING like a drunk Spring breaker and high fiving the Staten Island choir kids (What? Yes that did happen) so hard I assume she shattered all of the bones in their tiny little hands.... she gets a solid D minus.

Kirk Douglas: Um, first of all, props for still being alive. That's a solid chunk of points right there. Second of all, you know the show was rough when a man born in 1916 provides, by far, the best comedic moment of the night. It's hard to say whether it was when he basically said he had a boner for Anne Hathaway, when he fought over his cane with the dude on the stage, or when he made all the supporting actress nominees squirm as he prolonged the announcement of the winner as long as he could, but it was definitely one of them. In any case, if this year is any indication of where the Oscars are headed, I say we let them die when he does.... but for Kirk, it's an exemplary A plus.

Melissa Leo: The best supporting actress winner takes the MVP award for 2011 thanks to her dropping of the F-bomb being the only moment of the show that wasn't poorly scripted and awkwardly executed. I only hoped Christian Bale would insist on out cursing her with his swarthy ginger pirate beard, but alas it was not to be. As for Melissa though, the only slip up that kept her from getting a perfect grade was when she humorously tried to show how blown away she was by walking off stage with the help of Kirk Douglas's cane. Which would have been a lot more cutesy if not for the look of terror on Mr. Douglas's face that screamed "Yeah haha we get it, but I seriously need that thing, you have no idea how much it hurts to walk!"... she gets an F 'in A minus.

Overall: Just a big fat, veiny F.  An almost impressively terrible experience that somehow managed to retroactively ruin my entire weekend. Oh and by the way, thanks for the lack of sleep I'm sure to endure for the next month or so, as your weird Zombie Bob Hope will undoubtedly be haunting my dreams.